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Original poster

To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

294 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:07

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 13/04/2015 08:26

When my gran was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she couldn't cope in her own home. We took her back to my parents for a weekend, and she went from being someone who was struggling with her words, to someone utterly confused and doubly incontinent. In one day. We took her back, and she settled again - she needed to be in her own space, where she knew where everything was. It gave her co-ordinates. She was still confused but she was recognisable.

It was very, very obvious that going into a home would have meant spending the (short) rest of her life upset and confused.

I see that the decision might feel different for someone having a slow loss of faculties/capabilities, but for her it was very dramatically obvious how much of a difference it made to be in her own home.

LesleyKnopeFan · 13/04/2015 08:26

Imagine somebody telling you, today, that you need to move out of your home and into somewhere smaller, probably in a block of flats, likely to only have 1 bedroom, lots of restrictions and around others who are either getting near the end of their life or not well. Would you want to?

I guess your answer would be the same as mine. These elderly people you speak of feel exactly the same.

LaVolcan · 13/04/2015 08:29

We faced this problem with my parents. However, finding a suitable house to downsize to was a nightmare. We eventually managed this. Then finding decent carers was another problem.

Knowing when is the right time to downsize is one difficulty - you need to do it before you begin to lose your faculties and while you are still young enough to make a new life for yourself in a new setting.

muminhants · 13/04/2015 08:30

I think there's a difference leaving your home to go to a retirement home (waiting room for God?) and leaving to move to a smaller more manageable property eg bungalow with small garden, flat by the sea etc. I'd resist the fomer for as long as I could, the latter is a very good idea.

Also if you can afford it upfront, it's much cheaper to pay for the care to come to you - my dad is 92 and pays for a weekly cleaner and is looking into having some meals delivered as well. He doesn't need to go into a care home (he's in sheltered housing). He did mention it a few months ago when my aunt moved into a care home but when I last saw him he seemed to have discounted the idea.

My mum is much younger but lives in bungalow with a small garden. She may need a gardener but otherwise is well placed to look after herself for many years to come. However, her house is in a small village and once she can't drive she will be stuck. So she is considering moving a small town where she can live near the centre on the flat, so when she can't drive anymore she can walk into town.

MIL on the other hand lives in a tall terrace house with dangerous stairs in a grotty area of south-east London. She just won't move, although a few years ago she considered moving to a flat or bungalow in Brighton. I wish she had. One day she'll break her neck falling down the stairs, but as people have mentioned above, there's soo much emotional stuff in the house - she lived there all her married life.

pudcat · 13/04/2015 08:31

Because it is my home. I have made this home into what I like. I can find my way around in the dark which will be good if I lose my sight. The thought of moving and having to sort out all the administration that goes with it is quite terrifying. I have moved several times and each time became more stressful.

thebear1 · 13/04/2015 08:31

My mum would like to move to a more practical house but my dad simply can not face the stress of selling their home and buying. Moving is very stressfull, being in his 80's I can understand his reluctance.

ChippyMinton · 13/04/2015 08:33

Because people don't think of themselves as elderly, and therefore don't want to move to a place full of old people. They want to remain part of the community, mixing with all ages - the young family next door, the middle-aged lady across the road who pops in for a cup of tea and change a light bulb or whatever, the old friends who know where they live and drop by 'on spec' , the local newsagent who will deliver their fags with the daily paper.

They are in their own home, with their things. They can eat what they like, watch what they want on tv, do as they please without being answerable to anyone.

At the end of the day, they are adults who can make their own decision. If the people who care about them can support them to live independently, so much the better. It is very difficult to access support or even to find out where to get appropriate help, however Sad

muminhants · 13/04/2015 08:34

thebear1 and that is a common problem too. One partner wants to move, the other doesn't. The latter dies leaving the former stuck in an impractical house.

It was the opposite with my MIL, as my DIL wanted to move to somewhere by the sea but she refused as she said he'd die and she'd be left somewhere with no friends. He did die first, but they'd have had 8-10 years there before that happened - so plenty of time to make new friends etc. It's a pity.

splodgeses · 13/04/2015 08:35

Not even just all of the sentiment mentioned above.

Independence (even if incredibly limited) is something that many older people like to take pride in, so what if it is becoming less practical? If they can manage, why shouldn't they? I know an elderly woman who could move to a retirement home, but she would be forsaking her enormous, beautiful garden. Even though she struggles to get outside, and struggles even more to tend any small patch, she adores it. I have popped in throughout nicer weather to accompany her outside and do a little bit of weeding, mowing etc. It completely makes her day, and we aren't related, she is the widowed wife of someone I cared for a few years ago in a nursing home.

To me it sounds as though you think these old people are somehow less human and deserving of their own homes, and that they should bugger off elsewhere so the 'family home' can go to the younger generations of 'family'.

What about the mid 30's millionnaires who have 12 bedroom mansions? Should they move to studio flats because it is more sensible and practical? Of course everyone is entitled to live in their own home, without the need to justify why they refuse to move!

ChaiseLounger · 13/04/2015 08:35

Because most care homes the care is awful, you wouldn't out your dog there. And I've worked in a few, whilst a uni student.

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 13/04/2015 08:36

We've got this with DH's grandmother at the moment. She should have moved years ago and is now pushing 90 with severely restricted mobility, living in one room of a house in which the electrics aren't safe and she has to have carers in four times a day. PIL would much rather pay for her to move to sheltered/assisted living but she won't have it. She's fully compos mentis and NOT an easy woman and they can't force her. So there it is. She can't bear the thought of giving up her independence and to her that's more important than her safety, which is her call to make.

Spadequeen · 13/04/2015 08:38

For my mum it's because she works a lot in homes, she sees how some of the people are treated. She would hate to be living somewhere full of old people (even though she would be old herself), thinks it would age her, she'd prefer to stay around younger people.

Homes are hugely expensive, loss of independence. And the biggest one i suppose, she just doesn't want to and why should she?

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:38

Imagine somebody telling you, today, that you need to move out of your home and into somewhere smaller, probably in a block of flats, likely to only have 1 bedroom, lots of restrictions and around others who are either getting near the end of their life or not well

I will try and answer this as honestly as I can. If something happened to me where I lost mobility and would struggle with my current property, I would move into a one bed flat in a shot.
Having people around me who are of a similar age would be a benefit.

OP posts:
sakura · 13/04/2015 08:39

I take it you've never visited a retirement home/nursing home.

Personally I think suicide is a saner retirement plan.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:40

I think a massive issue here is people hear "retirement property" and think "care home"

They are two very different things.

OP posts:
sakura · 13/04/2015 08:40

And yeah, there's only one way out of one of those places. Brr. That thought in itself says it all. Can't believe the OP genuinely doesn't understand why people wouldn't want to go into one!

MoreBeta · 13/04/2015 08:40

Sorry but I just annoys the hell out of me that old people wilfully refuse to make provision for their old age. Its part of the behaviour pattern that has marked the 'boomer' generation of believing someone else should look after them and pay the cost.

Getting to 75 as MIL has done and spent 10 years since FIL's retirement(he died 2 years ago) refusing to think about the issue is nothing to do with being frail or confused. She is fully mentally capable - the end point is when she will be forced to move through ill health. Precisely what me and DW are planning to avoid.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 13/04/2015 08:41

Because most care homes the care is awful, you wouldn't out your dog there. And I've worked in a few, whilst a uni student.

I'm a care assistant and I agree 100%. I've seen some shocking things.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:41

I've visited plenty of care homes (and yes for me suicide would be preferable).

Only visited one retirement home (big block of flats with garden and communal area) it was lovely. Honestly it is what I would want in my old age.

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 13/04/2015 08:43

And what if, whenshe, instead of people of a similar age who would chat to you and share experiences, you found you were moving in with a group of people who seemed confused, and couldn't talk to you properly, and looked at you funny when you said something you thought was perfectly normal (because you don't know it, but actually you're not quite making sense and your neighbours at home know to make allowances for this)?

Because it might feel much more like that. I do know people who cheerfully move into retirement flats. Some people have that mentality all through their lives - they like the idea of being part of a group.

DinosaursRoar · 13/04/2015 08:44

Because people think that you should move when it's already too late - if you've got to the stage you can't cope with the house and garden, the chances are you can't cope with the idea of a move - not just the practicalities of moving, but the mental task of getting used to a new home after 30/40 years in the same one, getting used to a new area, working out what of your stuff to keep and what to get rid of (taking a 4 bed house down to a 1 bed flat isn't just about the furniture, but all the stuff ). When the idea of moving is too much, it just doesn't get done until it's gone further and family have to move the older person for them. At which point, grandchildren are the ones trying to make the decision about which vase to keep, which tableclothes etc...

Really, if you are going to move, you need to do it early, mid-60s. But people don't need to move then, they can cope with the house, so don't move.

Personally, I think i'll move when the DCs leave home, but then perhaps I'll not want to then, it'll have been my home for 20-odd years, it's easy to make the decision now, but leaving 20-odd years of memories might be harder.

LaVolcan · 13/04/2015 08:44

Not all old people want to live in retirement properties either - they actively enjoy the company of younger neighbours.

As for care homes: I happened to visit an elderly friend yesterday in a good one. It's eye-wateringly expensive. My friend said that it was good, but not like home.

DinosaursRoar · 13/04/2015 08:46

Retirement flats also usually have very high service fees. If you don't need help now, why would you move to that? (my parents have downsized, but into a normal flat, not a retirement one). Once you've got to the stage when you need help to the level family are going to move you, it's a usually too late for flats.

BertieBotts · 13/04/2015 08:48

The best thing about my house is that it's mine. Nobody tells me what to do or insists on doing things their way, nobody comes around and judges how tidy it is. If I want to shut the door and close everybody out, I can. If I want to wander round naked I can. I can decorate it the way I want.

I think moving into a retirement home loses this kind of freedom.

SpaghettiMeatballs · 13/04/2015 08:52

To offer a different perspective my Nan made the decision to move into a retirement flat quite easily and she is happy there.

She has her own flat, right in the centre of a small town, with activities laid on. She says it was that which offers some independence or struggling on in her house until she had an accident and needed a care home which she couldn't stand the thought of.

That said she is an extremely practical woman so made the decision without emotion. In addition my mother helped her sell her home and buy the flat. There is no way she could have managed that process on her own.