To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

It's not that there is anything wrong, per se, with any of the sheltered accoms that I have experience of.

Always clean, well run, good facilities. The private ones tend to have better accommodation, than the local authority ones. Though I am sure that in some areas this isn't true.

If you get one with a good warden/group of wardens, then you're better off. It does make a big difference.

Living in one can be a bit like being at school/university but without the hope and the future. There is a fair bit of 'cliquey' behaviour going on.

What is interesting is that the age group can be from 60-100 and that is such a broad spectrum of people, so you aren't always with people on your level or your generation. Some of the other tenants will be ill or frail but not ready for a care home. Witnessing this, on a regular basis, so close to home can be very distressing and upsetting. It's almost like watching your future being played out (although not necessarily what happens to you, just the probability of it).

Some people are very happy in their homes, I know of one locally, which is lovely, nice gardens, individual homes, set out in a terrace formation.

Still could not ever face going there, either.

It's such a tough call as I understand the frustration and logistics/costs issues when a relative is struggling in their own home but I honestly believe it is the very best place for them.

I would adjust my living space accordingly, get a care-line installed (don't think this is very expensive) and pay for a carer, if necessary. This isn't always possible, I know, and I think this is a hugely emotive issue that is based entirely on individual circumstance.

All I would say is save as much as you can for retirement, the you have more options. A good care home costs 3-4k per month, sheltered varies greatly but will still cost.

In my experience, these decisions are rarely made in a planned or practical way, they are made when there is a crisis of some sort which necessitates difficult decisions.

In retrospect, I can understand why.

Whatever happens, these decisions are emotional, painful and mark a significant change in family dynamics. There is no 'right way'. If there was, we would all be doing it.

My mum moved in her early 60's to a 2 bed bungalow. My Mum is a planner - she has a health condition which may affect mobility one day so no stairs was a sensible option. She has now an active part of her community as she was able to join in while fit and young. She has made friends and contacts - tradesmen etc. She is in a lovely manageable property, easy to maintain and heat.

When looking for her bungalow she saw many and commented to me that many people had left it too late to sell. The properties were not maintained or cleaned adequately.

My MIL lives in a large 4 bed house she can't heat or maintain. She would be much better off in a smaller more suitable property.

One of my friends is single and an only child. She looked after her grandparents, uncle, great aunt & parents as they gradually deteriorated & died. In her late 50s, while her parents were still alive she extended her one bedroom bungalow, adding a separate bedroom, bathroom & sitting room with separate entrance in order that a live-in carer will be able to help her in due course. She has since redone her own bathroom so there is a shower without a step, the shower tray is set into the floor so she'll be able to wash with reduced mobility. Her great aunt lived to 104, her grandfather to 96 and her parents were both late 80s when she died. My father moved to a house within walking distance of a pub, farmshop, village shop & bus stop in his late 60s in preparation for old age. I think it's very important to make decisions while one is still able rather than be forced into a situation.

I visited a relative in a retirement property and wanted to move in.

She has her own self contained flat and there are also communal living areas for socialising. It reminded me of halls at uni.

There is also a mini bus a couple of times a week which takes the residents to a couple of supermarkets (in addition to the free london bus pass).

I think it's great.

Living in hall at university was my idea of torture! Retirement living is not for every one!

I agree Bonsoir!

Of course she isn't going to like or get on with them all, but there would probably be a couple of like minded people she could form relationships with.

Actually, having observed my GPs, I discovered that having random vendettas against other residents gives old people a whole new lease of life- it's like they're not going to give their new nemesis the satisfaction of them dying.

Re not wanting to be in sheltered, I'm not sure posters are saying that everyone shd move into a warden supervised retirement property- more that moving out of your Grade 1 listed, 4 storey townhouse with open tread ladder stairs, thatched roof and 10 acres of landscaped gardens while you're still sprightly might not be a bad idea.

I haven't read all eleven pages of this thread but I very much recommend "On Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande for a humane and incisive discussion of exactly this subject - for elderly people, how to balance an increased need for safety/security with personal freedom and quality of life. I can see from what I've read here that lots of people have raised similar points to the ones in his book.

The only provision I have made for my old age is that I have given my dd permission to put me in a care home if I get dementia. And absolutely hate care homes, having worked in one when I was young. But as I only have one child, it seems to unfair to burden her with guilt if she can't after me.

I think there are at least two different ideas going on here. Thinking about your old age and how you can live as independently as possible - we should all do that. Too many of us stick our fingers in our ears: 'I'm not getting old la la la'.

Asking why healthy, active people don't choose to live with other healthy, active people just because they happen to be the same age.... Really?

This thread has really made me think about where I want to live, especially the advice to downsize in 50s/60s. I'm in my early 40s and live in a two bedroom flat, which is way too cramped for us, and as my husband is pretty insistent on staying in the same area, I face a move to probably a three bedroom flat to give the children their own rooms. I want a house with a garden, but unless I get stellar pay rises this is probably not going to happen until after the children finish school (and then we will have to see what level of support through further education/training they need). I could be looking at being in my 50s when I finally get to pick where I want to live - so I'd better make the most of it for 10 years or so! God, I'm thoroughly depressed now.

I wonder how many people are in the situation that they will never get to upsize to a decent size property before they are at the downsizing stage?

My DMil asked to go in a home and we sold her property. When she got to the home there were a few people who she got on with, but gradually they either died, or got dementia, so the companionship side wasn't much good.
It started out as a family run home and was lovely, until the owners retired and it was taken over by a business.
I think she did the right thing, because managing on her own was difficult and she didn't like the idea of a live-in companion, but it was a hard decision all round.

My grandad is 94. He has no health issues, can walk quite far, etc. I still wish he'd moved. He still lives in the three bed family home. We went over to see him the other day, which is quite rare as we normally pick him up and take him to ours or out. His home was filthy, but we won't let anyone clean it.

He's also quiet/shy and would hate the social aspects of a home. If it had been the other way round - if my Nanna had lived, she would have moved and thrived. She was outgoing, friendly and social - and always made sure no one was left out.

Personality is a big factor, as well as fear. Often they think they're fine, and it only takes one illness, one fall and they wish they'd moved already.

DP's aunt and uncle live in a nice, well-maintained (probably eye-wateringly expensive) development for older people, with different levels of care available. There are good reasons for their move, but I always come out thinking I really, really don't want to live like that or at least not till I can possibly help it. Then I see my parents in their house, with my mum confined to three rooms and unable to get to the bathroom.

I would like something in between, if at all possible.

OP, you said "if I had mobility problems etc...." But that is part of it. I assume that you don't. So you cannot know how you would feel. If you had cancer would you want to live with other people with cancer, or as part of a normal mixed community? If you had a brain injury would you want to live with other similar people, or in a normal mixed community? If you are a parent with young children would you want to live in a residential scheme which only had other parents there (with dc ranging from 0 - 18, or might you complain that your dc couldn't play with the older ones?)?

20 years ago my siblings and I had serious conversations with our parents about moving house (my df had a degenerative illness). They thought seriously about moving to a bungalow but the only properties available were 20 miles from their existing home, and their existing community.

In retrospect, although the house was too much for them (they got cleaning help) and the garden was too much for them (they got garden help), staying in that house was a good decision. In their latter years the support they got from people in the community that they had known for 60 years was invaluable - people who would visit, shop for them, pray for them (!), a neighbour's granddaughter who painted my Mum's nails, teenage lads in the next door house who cut their grass, or helped them with their bins (they were doing a school project on 'helping in the community'). My parents loved the long-term inter-generational interaction. These were people who my parents had helped in their younger years, babysitting when their children were small, cooking for them when they were ill, and community kindnesses were being repaid.

Similar to a previous poster, when my Mum was in respite care she was desperately confused, but at home again she could instantly find the toilet, make her own food, switch lights on and off. And in the end, when each of my parents died, the neighbours and the community were saddened by their deaths and were a huge source of comfort to me and my siblings.

I think that one of the real challenges facing us (in making old age and care possible) is how we continue to create really supportive neighbourhoods - where people help one another, and support people in their various stages of life, rather than creating a ghetto of elderly or a ghetto of yummy mummys.

optimisticwriter - I get you exactly!

my MIL (77) had to go into hospital yesterday with a chest infection - she is well loved in her church and local community - I had 25 calls this morning asking how she was - because they did not want to bother the nurses...

if she had moved to be closer to us, or into a "retirement living complex" I doubt there would be as many calls for her.

optimistic

If you are going refer to what I previously said would you mind quoting me properly. This is what I said.

^I will try and answer this as honestly as I can. If something happened to me where I lost mobility and would struggle with my current property, I would move into a one bed flat in a shot.
Having people around me who are of a similar age would be a benefit^

So basically if I couldn't manage the stairs I would move into a flat and would enjoy having similarly aged people around me. So not quite the same as the shove everyone in a ghetto mentality you seem to think I have.

It's great your parents were able to pay for help, not everyone can or will.
The community your patents lived in sounds wonderful. But I think it's a massive gamble to rely on the community coming to your aid.
In reality both women and men work now and are often not able to provide the support some elderly people expect from their family and friends.

somewhere so if your mil moved from her old four bed property to a two bed flat, or a small bungalow or a retirement apartment (in the same community say only 5 minutes walk from her old house) she wouldn't have had the same number of phone calls?
I doubt it, moving from unsuitable home A to more suitable home B but staying in the same area in the same town shouldn't make too much difference. You obviously would see your immediate neighbours less but surely you would keep most of your old friends. You might even make a few new ones.

My aunt was recently widowed and has sold her large house and moved to sheltered accommodation.
She is a sociable person and can't drive so she felt moving into town was the right choice for her.
She has a nice flat in a block with a warden.
She has gifted out lots of cash from her house sale to get under inheritance tax thresholds (her house was worth £800k) and she's very happy.
It take her a while to adjust but she is very sociable and the flats are lovely and very near the shops etc.
She wanted to move out as her choice rather than be forced to by ill health. She doesn't have children so this may have made her more practical? Also, she didn't really want to stay in the house her husband died in.
It's a very personal decision and loaded with emotional significance.

OP - she is in a village community in the Cotswolds - there are no flats, there are no bungalows, there are no retirement complexes - there are 2 up/2 down old railway terraces with downstairs bathrooms (about 60 of - one of which she currently owns) or 3/4 bed semi/detached - more modern (maybe 200spread along a long B road). There is a church and there is a pub 1/2 a mile away.

To move would require a move away from community and friends. It often does in a village setting. Life is never as simple as "just move"

I agree with3littlefrogs thatintergenerational living will become more common in years to come and this will help some of these problems.

Also the development of telecare and technology which aids independent living will help more older people stay at home.

There are lots of devices like gas/flood alarms and door/bed sensors which call a relative carer if there is reason for concern.

As for ages care home residents are usually over 85. Under 75s would only go in very exceptional circumstances like if they have a learning disability.

Oh Cotswolds sounds lovely. Yes village life makes things very difficult.

Apologies, most of the population do live in towns and villages and for most people there is an option to move locally.
She's lucky she's already got the downstairs bathroom.

I know a few older couples who moved to the country in their 60s to enjoy their golden years. It was wonderful for them for a decade but they have really struggled with being isolated as they became more frail (really small villages almost hamlets).

I'm assuming your mil has been there long term, she is lucky to have such a close community.

"When I said retirement home I meant housing built for the over 65s (that's the age limit these complexes often use themselves I am not saying you are automatically old at 65). It's a flat, one or two bed in an block. It is your home you can cook your meals, close the curtains and wander about naked if you want. But there is a warden (often part time) to help and communal areas to help with the social side of things."

Have you viewed many of these places, Op?

Of the ones I have been in (quite a few) the majority were jam packed blocks of boxy little flats, very plain little places (the average travel lodge is more aesthetically pleasing, has better ambiance), with a strip of unused communal lawn, a communal little-used lounge or seating area (little-used for a reason), and rooms that you couldn't swing a cat in ... that is supposing you were allowed a cat ... of the ones I have come across none allowed the residents to keep their pet!

At the better end of the scale, I have come across a small minority of such residences that aspired to greater things. One had all of the above, plus some 'superior' flats that had slightly larger rooms and a small veranda. The other was small detached units (a bit like mobile homes/lodges) each with its own tiny square of grass, and an aspiration towards middle-class suburbia. In this residence any mobility and isolation problems, the resident had encountered in his/her family home, would still apply ... with the added bonus that they were now in the unfamiliar and couldn't swing a cat.

I cannot imagine anything that would ever have caused me to try to persuade my dear parents to give up their home and move into one of these places.

As for ages care home residents are usually over 85. Under 75s would only go in very exceptional circumstances like if they have a learning disability

It's not about care homes, when I said retirement home I was referring to blocks of flats built for the over 65s (sheltered accommodation although they don't call themselves that where I live).

The thread is really about people planning for old age. So not ending up in a huge old house with a large garden when you are too frail to look after the property and you are struggling to manage the stairs.