To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

adish

Sorry I can't be bothered answering this question again so I've just cut and pasted my last answer.

^I don't mind being asked anything. Probably been in about 20 care homes, honestly hated every minute spent in them. It's a real shame I didn't frame my op better as I think a lot of posters assumed I want to dump everyone over 70 in a care home.
I really hope never to have to set foot in one again (either visiting relatives or for myself).

The sheltered accommodation however looked great.
Disclaimer there are loads being build round my way at the moment so the couple I've seen are brand spanking new.
One and two bed flats, gardens, parking, communal areas looked good and there is a spare flat you can "rent" for relatives to come and visit.

I'm sure there are some grotty ones out there - but I've been in some pretty grotty houses and it's not put me off buying a house^

My PIL moved into 1 parents house at a relatively young age. Nursed the parent who then passed the house on to them. It was too big and £££ for them so then they moved in with the other parent, paid the bills, nursed the parent. Now the parents have passed on they have downsized. It makes perfect sense in a way and prob. much more common in other communities. We have an outbuilding which would make me a prefect granny flat. I'd rather pass my big house to the kids and have them look after me than a nursing home.

The cotswolds are nice - MIL hads lived there for 60 of her 77 years

but this is where my stepmum in her 80s is... it is lovely... and retirement living I aspire to.

boughton hall chester

Oh ... and to add to my post ... why on earth is this "housing built for the over 65s" meant to be appropriate in life?

Would it be appropriate to have housing areas built just for the under 30s? Perhaps there could be large estates for those from age 30 to 45, but only if they have children (with maybe apartment blocks on the outskirts, for the childless)!

housing built for the over 65s may well be convenient, and is certainly very profitable, but it is not (in my opinion) natural or conducive to a happy, balanced life.

If something 'better' than their own home is needed for people as they get older, then it really should be 'better'.

adish what I would like to add regarding these grotty residential (sheltered) homes. I admit I've not been in many and the few I have have been at the better end if the spectrum.

But what I have been in lots of are large elderly patients homes. Loads of them are on the grotty side because the person doesn't have the energy/ability/money to maintain the property.

This thread has inspired me start some decluttering. I'm lucky in that I never needed to worry about this with either of my parents but my mum was very unsentimental about "stuff" so there were no really big clearout jobs left for her children.

£270,000 for a one-bedroom flat? I can see why people don't want to move from a 3-4 bedroom place if that's the case.

"I admit I've not been in many and the few I have have been at the better end if the spectrum."

"But what I have been in lots of are large elderly patients homes. Loads of them are on the grotty side because the person doesn't have the energy/ability/money to maintain the property."

Is it likely that the elderly persons you describe will have the resources to secure 'the better end of the spectrum'?

whenshwasbadshewashorrid my apologies, I wasn't really aiming my post at you - but some of the responses have suggested that older people are better together with other similar people etc....

I agree, it shouldn't be gamble about whether people come to your aid, which is why I sincerely believe that one of our greatest challenges is creating the kind of communities where we interact with and support our neighbours. So..... if I offer to babysit for my neighbour's children for an afternoon, will my neighbour feel they need to worry about my dh being on the sex-register? If my daughter has coffee every morning with an elderly lady, will the lady's family worry that my dd is potentially fleecing her, or trying to persuade her to change her will? If I go and help someone nearby by providing meals, do I worry that social services will deem that she is being 'adequately cared for' and reduce support? Or do we all just get out there and do what we can do for our friends, our family our neighbours....

How do we create integrated communities where older people can feel safe, without having to move to retirement homes/houses/flat, and where extended families can feel that their loved ones are cared for and secure?

"£270,000 for a one-bedroom flat?"

Plus a £414 per month service charge on that (not including ground rent).

My parents (retired) recently downsized, not to sheltered accommodation just a smaller property on one level with a smaller, easier to manage garden. They had many reasons for choosing to do this whilst they're still relatively fit but it was largely down to planning for their future. They didn't want a situation where one of them dies leaving the other to sort out 50 years worth of possessions and having to move house by themselves (my mum couldn't afford to stay in their old house without my dad's pension). I think it makes a lot of sense to have done the move/big clear out at this stage in their lives and move into a property that either can manage by themselves if necessary.

There will be some pensioners at the 'better end of the spectrum.' Those who are in that position would also be able to afford to get someone in to do repair jobs, and act as carers.

DH is now 65 and the idea of moving to such a place at the moment would fill us both with horror. At 80/85? Maybe.

Declutter - yes, excellent idea, but tell that to DH.

One of my DWs female relatives is 80. Well Into 70s she was looking after her 95 yr old Aunt on a daily basis. Her Aunt eventually sucummed to dementia and lived the last few years of her life eventually in a care home.

My DWs 80 year old relative was very sprightly 2 ears ago as was her husband and a last enjoying not having to care for an old person. Now her husband has suffered a brain haemorage and when they visited our house she almost choked a few weeks ago. In fact, she almost chocked to death as she keeps getting food stuck in her throat (acid reflux issues).

I managed to get he food down her throat by hitting her hard on the back.

Afterwards she admitted her husband could not have saved her as he is so frail. So there you are. Five ears ago looking after a relative. Two years ago sprightly and living in their old home happily. Now frail and in real danger.

When I'm 65 my youngest DC will only just have finished university! I wouldn't think we'll be able to downsize until later than that.

Having said that, I will plan for old age. But it won't be by moving straight into a 'retirement property'. I already have to plan for my current life, since I have a major disability, many of the things you talk about old people needing to plan for, I already have to think about (steps, accessibility, nearby amenities etc.)

It is just everyday life for me in my 40s, as it will be for many of you in your 70s or 80s. One just gets on with the situation one's in, however one can. Some people find planning and adapting to change easier than others. I think that ability (or lack of it) is pretty much set in stone by later life, so there's no point expecting someone to transform into an adaptable, organised planner in their 50s, 60s, 70s or 80s if they've not been like that before!

I think some older people also feel daunted by the task of sorting through (and disposing of) a lifetime's accumulation of 'stuff' .
My DM was very sensible about it -she and Dad had moved into their (council ) house when it was brand new, just after they married, and she wanted to stay for 50 years i.e. 6 years after Dad died. It was in the country, no central heating . We got her transferred to a bungalow in the nearby town just before she was 80. She was ruthless in getting rid of stuff-I think she saw it as drawing a line under one part of her life . I actually found it very difficult when she left what was our family home, setting for a very happy upbringing . I wept buckets the day she moved (in private); she, at least in public, was totally matter of fact about it . I think she tried to see it as an adventure . It helped that she had a little garden at the new place . She adjusted quite well and loved the central heating .Sadly she died, very unexpectedly, a year later, of terminal cancer having been in a nursing home just a month . She was totally stoical about that move too . .
MIL just moved nearly everything from a four bedroomed house to a two bedroomed flat (with lots of storage) .It was a bit of a shock when we had to empty/sell it 12 years later. She was 91 and an accident tipped her over into fraility/dementia . She didnt really know where she was for the last two years of her life - a blessing really.
Both Mum amd MIL were fiercely independent . They both had to bow to the ineviatable towards 'the end' but I am so glad they kept a fair degree of independence as long as possible, with family support .
Having visited MIL in a( very pleasant, well run, residential home) regularly for two years it fills me with dread to feel I might end up in one.
A flat in a 'sheltered' block might just be tolerable . But it really is a question of waiting for the end . Perhaps when she are in your forties or younger it sounds OK but believe me , once you reach retirement Times Winged Chariot seems to get faster every year

adish

Is it likely that the elderly persons you describe will have the resources to secure 'the better end of the spectrum

Not necessarily, asset rich cash poor applies to lots of elderly people.
Also I've found a lot of people who have money tend to have it cause they are good at not spending it. Preferring to rope in relatives to do the cleaning, gardening and maintenance rather than pay for it.

My parents are in their 60's and currently extending their 5 bed detached house because it's apparently too small when the grandchildren come over. I disagree but it's not my decision to make. They both still work, dad FT and mum PT and are in perfect health. They anticipate another. 10-15 years in this house and then they will downsize to a bungalow or flat but they still consider themselves and live as if they were 20 years younger

"Preferring to rope in relatives to do the cleaning, gardening and maintenance rather than pay for it."

You sound a little disgruntled at the thought ... or am I reading too much into that?

I think it is often a two way street. Yes, many of the older people I know do indeed often get practical help from grown children with things like garden maintenance, but equally many (or more) are helping their grown children with things like childcare. That is the way a mixed generation and balanced society goes round.

adish

Me? Disgruntled?

You many have a point. Think I'd best leave the thread before I get all ranty.