To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

What do you mean by 'retirement home' exactly?

Do you mean a 'nursing or residential home' which is where a person lives in one room in an institution with carers, or do you mean a flat where there is a warden on site and a resident's lounge?

They are two totally different things.

I just find the idea of grouping people together to live because of age weird.

Definitely a "rich country" thing. I'd rather die early in my own home than be kept alive indefinitely by carers and convenience. A veritable living death.

Well yes, better to have a retirement home than a care home. So I guess that's still a coercive move. Better to sell up while still pretty healthy and move into a retirement home to avoid the real horror of a care home?

I wouldn't want my dp's in a home however, I wished they had downsized to a bungalow when my dmum wanted to. DDad was/is stubborn though and now it's his poor health that's affecting them most.
They live in a 4 bed 200 year old cottage with a big garden which needs more and more jobs doing. But as they have made that decision to stay we will support them as much as possible.
We and my siblings do shopping, gardening and other bits they can't manage.
Me and dh have already decided we wont be doing it this way- our house is a big 4 bed and we love it but will definitely downsize eventually.

People are mixing up 'sheltered accommodation' and 'assisted living' and 'care home'.

The issue here is moving out of a big family home early in old age to a place you can manage to live independently for a long time and perhaps for ever.

My next door neighbour is in her 80s, husband died two years ago, lives in a 5 bed house she cannot look after at all, cant afford to repair. Adult children having to visit every few days. Next door to her an elderly couple, man has a degenerative disease. They are moving to a 4 bed house and installing a lift a age 75 - 80!!!

Madness!

People in flats with a warden don't automatically get carers. The wardens are usually part time.

My mum & nan both live in flats with wardens.

My mum is 65 today, happy birthday mum! She still works and socialises like a younger person. In fact she looks after me when I'm ill.
The warden is a woman not much younger than mum. She often asks mum for advice.
Some other women my mum's age who work live there too.
As well as some very elderly people who have carers coming in twice a day or more.
Mum's one bedroom flat is lovely; much nicer than the grotty studio flats she used to live in.

'Retirement' flats are cheaper to buy than non-retirement flats so you get more space in a safe block for your money and that is why they are popular with older people.

You don't have to move to a smaller home though because mobility is restricted. My 95 year old MIL moved from a 2 bed seaside flat to a 4 bed detached house with garden to be closer to us and because she had wanted a large detached new build all her life and hadn't been able to afford it.

She has a stair lift, various gadgets and adjustments to help her live happily and alone. She rarely leaves the house, but she can walk between rooms with aids and is loving her new space. She has a cleaner once a week but other than that she is perfectly capable of managing as long as we keep an eye out and furnish her with the tools she needs to facilitate it.

Her flat was more expensive to run because of electric heating, ground rents, maintenance charges etc and she saw very few people because the other elderly residents rarely left their flats either. Here she sees us regularly, can see the world go by from the windows and generally feels more included. Her grandchildren and their friends drop in and out, and my family sometimes stay at hers when they visit.

for her, upsizing was the best thing she ever did.

whenshe you mean sheltered accommodation type flats? my aunt moved into hers at the age of 95 and she has really enjoyed it. All the flats have their own kitchen and dining table so the residents can eat at home or go down to the communal dining room. she has constant company and is relieved she no longer needs to worry about household maintenance.

downsides are that it is expensive, but she's 97 now and can afford it. she doesn't have any dc's so she can still afford a cleaner in her flat and some help in the week.

My granny moved to a retirement flat from a house. She liked it. She missed her perfect garden but she enjoyed the social side. There was a warden (possibly only in the day?) a common meeting area and communal gardens. The flat was roomy, light and modern. My granny enjoyed the arranged activities. She was quite a good artist and once laughingly told me that she had spent the morning with a group of people doing paint-by-numbers. The move meant she was very close to my parents so they could pop in regularly.

My MIL was widowed 20 years ago and sits alone for days on end. She can go 5 day without seeing anyone. She just sits watching the TV. She is 95 and would hate to move. I used to wonder if we should have encouraged her to when she was younger. I think she would have liked the social side but she wouldn't like to leave the 'memories'.

Because the alternative isn't appetising.

In my DM and DFs case they've looked at a retirement village. 'We're not ready for that yet' they said - non privacy, everyone else old, not necessarily people they would have got on with in younger days so why now?

Also it's not next to a station or buses like their house - and even though there's a dedicated shuttle bus it seems a ghetto. The decor is better than most but really, these people grew up in the sixties, they have modern tastes, they like design, and space, and they'd like to have a pet. Chinz and cramped little flats is not what they want. BUT they're getting frailer, both have ongoing conditions and degenerative things going on...

I despair because there must be a way for the 'modern' aged couple to live less stressfully and still feel part of society and not lumped in with everybody with a common facto of 'over 70'.

Don't forget though that people get to the stage when they can't even manage sheltered accommodation. What happens then when you are physically frail, but perfectly compos mentis? The idea of moving into one room in a care home with people who are no longer mentally 'with it', when you are mentally sound yourself can fill an elderly person with absolute dread.

There are no easy solutions - as those of us who have faced it with parents/grandparents know.

Yet another posting treating older people as a separate and lesser species! Thank goodness so many Mumsnetters have protested.

Many 'retirement homes' may look pretty but - as others have said - they are often ghastly places to live. Residents are not an organic community; there are frequent movings out and new arrivals, which can be unsettling. Often, residents will have nothing in common - past or present - and few shared experiences. There is no 'normal' range of ages, activities, genders. There is none of the interest or excitement - or stress (which can be a great spur) - of real-world family, work, school or neighbourhood; there is little chance to contribute or personalise. Often, there are strict rules. Many residents are bereaved, and living alone - in comfort, but unhappy - maybe for the first time in their lives. Some residential complexes have a good social programme, but, in many groups of flats, social interaction is often limited and formal - a coffee morning once a week, for example. Residents usually prefer to socialise, while they can, with family or friends who they knew before they moved in, and not with other members of the so-called retirement 'community'.

Lots of reasons:

1. A stupid culture of sticking your head in the sand and being blind to the miseries attendant on ageing in inappropriate housing. I actually think amongst middle class older people in their 60s this is changing - they have seen what has happened to their own parents and are wanting to avoid it.

1. The fact that people are living longer, so the older generation in thei 80s an 90s now are in many ways the first to go through the ageing experience en masse (note: en masse), and in many cases it has gone wrong and been horrible because of the lack of service provision, particularly in recent years with austerity cuts to social care. (Warning: overly broad generalisation follows). When you combine that with a generational attitude that is resilient but passive, 'make the best of things' not 'effect radical change', you have a recipe for a disastrous failure to treat an older generation with dignity as they age. I think the experience of the boomers will be very different, partly because they have mostly gone through their lives expecting a very high standard of living and they have had a lot of power/skill at working systems and are used to demanding what they want.

1. A lack of aspirational housing for older people to move into - and advertising/information about their existence. You need to have a kind of a complex that basically feels like a luxury holiday 24/7 and not God's waiting room. While the association with homes remains that of underfunded state care in wee-smeling, inadequate facilities in crumbling buildings, no-one is going to vote with their feet. There are alternatives available now, but the message about them isn't getting out there.

1. A financial culture where people aren't used to using the equity in their house to fund their old age - where this is seen as bad or wrong. Basically, in future the cost of care will be met largely by unlocking this equity and pouring it into the laps of private care providers/developers. It's a terrible model, and it would be much, much better and fairer to have high quality state-provided care.

Even in retirement flats there are often restrictions on how the people can live. They might not be able to have the children or grandchildren stay over. They might not be able to hang out the washing. It just isn't the same as living in your own place.
If somebody has paid for their home and is living mortgage free they might not want to sell their home and move into a retirement flat because even if they buy it outright they will have to pay quite expensive warden and service fees. If they need carers to come in and provide any care then they will still have to pay for it just like they would if they had stayed in their own home. The might think that there is no point moving to a retirement flat and then possibly needing to live again in a decade to a nursing home.
It is a lot of emotion and physical upheaval and some people don't want that.

I've worked in older people's services.

I always tell anyone who'll listen to encourage their parents to downsize in their 50s or 60s.

I've seen so many 80&90 something's having to go through the stress of moving into (nice) care homes when this could have been avoided if they had moved into a more suitable mainstream house earlier.

What often happens is that an older person will be assessed as no longer being able to live independently in their own home because that home is unsuitable. So many residential care home admissions could be avoided if the older person had a more suitable home.

People don't need to move into 'retirement' homes. There is actually a very small number this option is suitable for.

What older people need is a front door they can access without steps (sometimes a ramp can be added, sometimes there isn't room), a downstairs sleeping space and most importantly a downstairs toilet. It is often the older person's inability to get themselves to and from the toilet that necessitates a more into a care home.

My mum has done this. Early 60s. Now lives in a 2 bed ground floor new build. It's so good for her. Easy to clean. Easy to heat. She will be able to stay there forever.

I think there should be a big public awareness campaign on this. The cost, both psychologically & financially of having to go into residential care at a very elderly age is huge. So much of this could be avoided. Waiting until someone is already frail is too late. A move is best when the person is still active enough to settle into their new community, make friends, get to explore the locality.

Not to mention that stairs are a major cause of mortality & morbidity in older people.

My mum never goes to the lounge & as she is still a 'younger' working person, she doesn't join in with the activities.

In fact she hates admitting that she lives in a 'warden assisted' flat but the problem was that she was in danger where she lived before in a tiny studio flat with a drug addict who owed his dealers money living next door - she could only afford a sheltered flat after selling her studio.

But my nan (90 in June) loves her sheltered flat. She goes down for coffee mornings in the lounge and makes the coffee. She organises the lottery and various sweepstakes.
She's made lots of friends including a much younger friend of 74 who helps her out.
She also has a 95 year old man who is in love with her - he bought her a handbag the other week! But she is really embarrassed by it.

I think that the trap is, by the time you really need to move it becomes very difficult. If you don't really need to move, you don't want to because it's not relevant to your current lifestyle. I know the advice for people is to move to more appropriate housing before they really need it, but that's not taking human nature into account.

I think a lot of people don't realise how very quickly their situation can deteriorate. 3 years ago my Dad was a bit doddery and forgetful, but still very active, strong, funny, full-on, himself. Now he barely speaks and is bed-ridden. But then again it's a gamble, for every older person who ends up like my Dad, there's probably 10 who don't really have very severe problems at all and can live independently until they die. Like my 98 year old relative who lived alone, needed no outside assistance, and was still going to play the piano once a week to help entertain 'for the old folks' at a community centre. So you might move into sheltered housing, and find that actually you never needed to have done.

And there's also the risk of another move after that. If you have serious needs then you may need nursing home care, so your 'retirement home' isn't your final home anyway. If you don't have serious needs, you can probably manage in most properties, with some changes, support and adaptations. So you might as well stay where you are already happy?

My and DPs parents are both mulling these all over at the moment. Some days they think yes let's move, some days they think not. I doubt very much either of them are going to. It's now too late for my parents - sheltered housing etc won't take new residents in my Dad's situation. So all they'd do is move to a smaller more manageable ordinary property closer to family, but then also lose all their local friends and support network. Difficult choice. DPs parents already have a bungalow but were looking to downsize a bit to make things easier for them when older. After doing the sums of estate agent fees, stamp duty, removal costs, etc etc they've decided fuck it, stay where we are, and use that money to pay for gardener/cleaner when we can't do it ourselves.

My fil moved from his large family home to a very nice retirement flat. It was fine, but not the same. I won't be rushing into it when the time comes.

I always tell anyone who'll listen to encourage their parents to downsize in their 50s or 60s.

Some people still have school aged children when they are in their 50's.

Just because you are old, doesn't mean you feel old. My grandmother fought with all her might against all the care and assistance we tried to arrange for her, because she didn't want or need it - she would accept it when the time came, she kept telling us, but not yet.

She once told me that it was a shock every time she looked in the mirror and saw an old lady looking back at her. Inside she felt young still and she didn't want to be with all the old people, being treated like an old person.

What we need and what we want are sometimes different things and that is true of 3,33 and 93 year olds.

Lavolcan thats my biggest fear. My gran moved into a care home when her dementia made her confused. She was much happier with company and people watching. The care home staff were excellent and very kind. However the sadness of those desperate to make conversation with you when you visit because they are all there and lonely is heartbreaking. My other gran moved into sheltered accommodation and as she was already there she could then in later years have carers visits and her care upgraded whereas if she had stayed at home she would have gone straight to a home which she would have hated.

My mother wants to move into a small rented flat, they don't own their house. My father doesn't. He is just overwhelmed at the thought of a move. He would have to get rid of stuff and can't face sorting through what he keeps, and what goes. As people get older, they often cope with stress less well. And moving is stressful.

Some people still have school aged children when they are in their 50's.

Really? What does that add to this debate?

Some 50/60 something's have great grandchildren.

It doesn't negate the point.

Excellent post from Jackie