To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

For me it would be more about privacy, location, community. A lot of people don't want a busybody warden monitoring them, I wouldn't. Also the house I live in currently has good transport links, is close to shops, of retirement homes (esp as many are new build) are a bit remote.

Also I know all my neighbours, wouldn't want to move from the things and places I know. Plus I like living where there is a mix of age groups. I would be afraid there would be a funeral every week and wondering who was next. Watching our rapid decline and wondering if other people's grim conditions would soon be my own, learning new ways age made people suffer each week. Wouldn't be for me. Would rather have a fall and die than spend years withering away in a sort of pre death limbo.

I was a hospital social worker for 30 years. I have moved hundreds of people into a care home.
I would rather fall down my inappropriate stairs and break my neck than go into a home. Over my cold, dead body.

swedish

Op here. I am a remarkably unsentimental person (I'm probably coming across as a total bitch on this thread).

I do kind of get that people are attached to their home and don't want to admit to advancing age. But the refusal to move out of a wildly unsuitable property into a more appropriate one hurts the elderly person most of all.
Some posters have said they think a move into a retirement property could in some cases prevent a later move into a care home.

Some people have implied I think anyone over the age of 70 should be shoved in a care home, in a kind of out of sight out of mind way.

That's really not where I'm coming from. I honestly think that many people would have a better end of life in a retirement property than in a large unsuitable home.

I work in the community and visit people in both types of housing. In terms of space, most of the time if someone needs a lot of care, hoisting, often it is easier to adapt their own home and they are better off there then a "retirement" property. Many retirement properties I have visited are not really suitable for anybody needing a lot of equipment. They are too small and not adapted sufficiently and social services and council have to adapt again to meet people's specific needs. Care can be provided in people's own homes as long as it is safe for them to be there.

OP , if you became less mobile and needed support, would you like to be told to move home?

If you stay in your own home you at least have the option of an au pair, a relative coming to stay, family visiting, a live in or weekend carer.
Once you move into a retirement flat all the rules and regulations - both from the retirement flat company and social services mean that you can't have a carer living in or even staying overnight, and your family can't stay with you either unless they rent a visitor's room on site. (Even to have a carer stay overnight, they must have a separate bathroom).
This actually hastens the need to sell up and move into a care home earlier than you otherwise would.

My neighbour has been able to stay in her family home with a live in carer.
Her friends and family can visit from all over the world, she is in familiar surroundings with all her possessions, ornaments, pictures, books etc. Her quality of life is infinitely better than if she were in a retirement flat. Actually - if she wasn't in her own home, she would have to be in a nursing home.

I want to stay in my own house.
I dread the thought of having to move into a tiny flat or, even worse, a care home.
I don't want to live if my physical or mental health deteriorates to the point where the only option is a care home.

Didge

I am with you, have worked in social work for 20 years and no way in hell am I going into care

I don't agree that a retirement property can prevent a move to a residential home. I have had cases where the person has had to leave the retirement property because the properties have been unsuitable OR the the type of retirement property will not support people with higher needs whereas in their own homes, they could and would have been supported by social services.

I am going to be Sophia from Golden Girls...no Shady pines for me

What about people in relationships with large age gaps? I would hate to live in an environment surrounded only by people of the same age group - I don't think it's good for your mental health.

If possible, the optimum solution is to try and future-proof your own home (downstairs toilet/bathroom and somewhere to sleep with manageable outdoor space.)

We're going through this at the moment with DH's grandparents. They've been very independent into their late 80s but when it goes wrong, it goes wrong with a bang, as PPs have noted. A broken hip and increasing dodderiness in both has exposed lots of work needed in their (vast) bungalow and garden. They have a pathological fear of spending money or changing anything in the house or letting in 'strangers' (ie: care/paid help) but they fully expect the grand kids to be there in constant attendance. The grand kids (my DH and his bro and sis) will do this all day long because we all love their grandparents - and their mum, an only child, died some time ago. But it's very hard to fit it in around full time jobs and a young family (I'm heavily pregnant as well) especially when the GPs make absolutely no concessions in their own lives and routines - regularly 'letting' DH finally come home when they go to bed at 10:30pm.
I can't help thinking that if there had been a little forethought even 5 years ago then a lot of this stress could have been avoided and, tbh, the need was obvious then but they kept ignoring little issues that have turned into much bigger ones.
I have huge huge sympathy with not wanting to move from a much loved family home but when it becomes several people's full time job to keep GPs in their old house, then maybe it's time to reconsider.
I've also worked in nursing homes (not always nice places) and auction houses and regularly saw the relatives of the recently deceased having to empty out entire houses of stuff because the GPs refused to contemplate it when they were alive. It's very stressful for the GPs but way more so for the kids/grand kids who are having to do it after illness and bereavement. A little thought and planning from both sides would be most beneficial, I think.

OP , if you became less mobile and needed support, would you like to be told to move home

I've already answered this once on this thread. Yes if I became less able I would move.

I wouldn't need to be told though, I would make the decision myself.

I've just checked my op again as people seem to be reading it as "should people be forced to move into retirement properties"

Of course I don't think people should be forced to move. I do however think retirement apartments / villages are a decent option for some people. And wanted a discussion about why they aren't popular.

I know people who live in rented accommodation who want to move into more suitable accommodation but they are being encouraged to stay in their existing properties by social services even though the properties are becoming increasingly unsuitable for them. I can only assume that there must be a shortage of places in care homes or they are too expensive.

I think the drama and struggle over getting a homein the first place makes it hard to leave, not to mantion no one wants to admit they are aging, and moving into a smaller home or a care home is the ultimate admission that they have failed at staying young and healthy.

We are struggling to get MIL to accept her changing situation. But, OMG, she is the same stubbornly independent girl who became a navvy at 17, and when her dad told her she would get tired of being away the whole week working and quit by the end of the month, she promptly went and applied for a position way down in Kent, and left on Saturday! She ended up working in Egypt, South Africa, London, having a Call the Midwife worthy child out of wedlock story, giving the baby away to an emigrating friend, taking another job overseas, being married 3 times but no more children until her 40s, then kicking their dad out and raising dh and bil into very fine men on her own, and then going on to be elected to county council after retirement. Her whole life has been a string of rushing into trouble, then stomping her foot and getting out of it her own way instead of falling in line and accepting the consequences. It gave her an interesting life. But stubborn determination and an "I will prove you wrong!" attitude won't solve aging issues.

She has long been in a charity cottage in her village. But quite proud that she still took care of her own laundry and shopping and cooking, and was not, not dependent on children and carers like her 4 neighbors. She cant now, but she will not admit it beyond leting BIL take her to the store, and merely grumbling when he gets her shopping in for her rather than take thehours necessary to help her not blindly mow someone down withhershopping trolley and lead him in a random hunting trip for the same items each week rather than efficiently up and down the aisles. She doesnt need to move, but she does need to accept someone in to help her get her morning and evening sorted.

The thing is, it is about choice, I think it must be terribly sad to get to the end of your life and feel that your choice has been taken away

I nursed my grandfather, who had cancer, until the end. Was it difficult with a full time job..yes. But he had a full time job when I was young, he still played with me, had patience for me, took me everywhere, told me stories, wiped my tears and I had the privilege of returning all that to him when the situations reversed

My gran stubbornly refuses to consider warden controlled flats or any other care options other than staying in her own home (which she is getting to the stage of needing).

However she expects her children to facilitate this and expects them to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day. She runs my mum ragged. For example she called my mum repeatedly at 5am to drive 10 miles to change channel on the TV for her until my mum gave in and did it.

To my mind, that isn't independence, that's self-centred, prioritising your own comfort over everything and everyone else.

FlabbyMummy Hove is renowned for being full of retirement places. But I don't really want to move away from family and friends, and certainly not to Hove . Near us, the only retirement places are much more expensive than our 3-bed semi (which is in a comparatively cheap location).

We plan on moving to a low maintenance flat as soon as our youngest leaves home, it will be easier to manage and allow us to have some cash to spend. Longevity doesn't tend to run in our families so we may not need to worry about retirement homes.

Erm ... not one of us? Did you miss my post?

We tried to bring my granny to my parents. I would have had her stay with me, too.

It was not possible. She was horribly disoriented and upset.

Please tell me how keeping her in her own home, and travelling well over a hundred miles every few days to check on her, staying with her overnight when it got too much, is 'terrible' or 'selfish'?

My mil is 68 and her and her toyboy (62) have decided to move into a bungalow when she's 70. I think she'll outlive me and DP!

My DM is 84, has lived in her house for 20 yrs so no memories of children there but refuses to move. She's already had hip/mobility problems since DF died and talks about moving closer to us (60 miles away) insists on a 3 bed bungalow, basically one that either doesn't exist or is way out of her price range. A lot of her friends husbands have died and they've moved away closer to their children, where she lives now is in the middle of nowhere with a drive to the shops, her car is on its last legs and she's never had to buy one by herself before. We're not a close family but it would be easier (for us) if she moved closer.

Abraid2, I hope you do get to be economically active for another 20 years, and when my mum was in her early 60's she was working full time, a fab historian, avid reader, brownie leader and swimming miles and miles every week.

She retired at 65, and was looking forward to a long and active retirement.

At 67 you could tell something wasn't right in her brain - she had behaviour changes and big problems finding words. A spinal problem was also restricting her walking.

At 73, she can't be left on her own, speaks very little, will only eat or drink if prompted, can't read, can't do puzzles, no interest in music or anything else.

If they'd downsized at 65, they would be in a lot better situation than they are now, but by the time issues were apparent, it was all too much for my dad to contemplate

evergreen I know my limits. I'm not a natural carer. If my mum came to live with us (when she needed to she's fine now) my dh would most likely leave. I would lose my mind and my job.

It just isn't an option for lots of people.

jeanne you don't sound remotely selfish.

evergreen, moving a parent into our own home is probably irrelevant for most of us.

My Dad died before he got old. It's unlikely that my mum would ever want or need to live with me. We live in a 2 bedroom property with 2 children and a bathroom in the converted attic. We also happen to live a 2 hours drive away from her the rest of her family and friends.

Evergreen my parents had my Dad's mum live with them for several years. It nearly destroyed them. They have made it clear they will not be doing that. I have made it clear to them that I don't expect any inheritance, and that I am glad they are spending their money now on holidays and buying in the care that they need (at the moment this is just paying for mum's physio because the NHS waiting list was too long, but they have said they have enough to pay for more care when the time comes). Sorry if you think that's selfish.

Apart from that, as with many other people in our generation, we don't have room for anyone else. We have two children, boy and girl, sharing a bedroom and are trying to stretch to get a 3 bedroom place. Society is no longer full of families with spare rooms and a person at home (usually the woman) to do the caring.

I had my children in my 30s. They should be allowed to grow up and get on with their own lives, and not have to have me or my husband come and live with them possibly whilst they have young families to bring up. Again, that may mean no inheritance (although at the moment there isn't really much to inherit) but I think that's a fact of life these days.