To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

[CaspianSea]

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

in short

NO, you can't

lol at magical feel with kids there - what if it rains?

Romeyroo There is a big difference between a boy running all over the place in great excitement at a garden party, and a boy trying to break things, hurting other children, chasing down rabbits and invading private spaces in a house. A big difference. I have high-energy dc and they would run themselves into the ground and would not require a bouncy castle or games laid on if other dc were there to play with. Do you have a child who would honestly be bored after an hour with lots of children to play with in a big garden? Would he be breaking off tree branches to threaten animals? If so I don't think anyone's judgy pants are the issue.

If you are her friend then the kindest thing is to be honest tell her, that her child needs help and she is the one who needs to get it before her family is ditched on all sides because of him.

Tell her you love her & him, you are there to help and support her getting him help but if she doesn't then she will end up isolated and blaming everyone but herself and DS which is not fair on either of them.

As a parent of a child with SN, I totally agree with you. I have taken dd straight home if we are out an about, and she is having a mealtdown, or her behaviour is not good. Yes I am worn out, but I am extra vigilant when we are at somebody else house or in the community.

I really don't think you can do this. You either have a smaller party where it won't seem odd if she's not invited or you invite all of them including her DS. Presumably you have mutual friends so the others know what he's like anyway?

Just keep a close eye on him on the day and if he's a nightmare tell her it might be best if she takes him home as he's clearly 'tired and over-stimulated.'

Yanb!

Either don't invite the family at all and save your friendship or officially un invite DS and risk loosing your friend.

Either way dont have your party ruined by an out of control child X

Where is the OP?

Thanks for everyone's responses and advice.

Reason I feel we can't not invite her is she already knows we're planning the party (I discussed it with mutual friend) and has offered to help, she sounded excited and was really keen on camping part. Even if we change proposed date, she'd find out through mutual friends. We've been friends for over 10yrs so I really don't want to lose the friendship over this. I realise I came across as rather intolerant of her but on a 1-1 we get on brilliantly and I've no desire to hurt or upset her. But at same time I don't want party ruined for everyone.

Normally we meet during week when her DS is at school. She knows he has problems socialising but puts it down to him having 'so much energy' and being very intelligent, easily bored etc. In past she's confided in me that other parents exclude him from kids parties and play-dates. She was upset over it and said they shun him 'because he's different' instead of being patient with him. Normally she's very reasonable but where her DS is concerned it's like she has a blind spot.

We have considered making it adults-only but a lot of our friends would decline if they can't bring their kids. I also think it would be a shame not to have any kids as it would be quite a magical experience for them, and a really nice chance for families to stay up late, have a picnic-breakfast outside etc. If weather forcast is really bad we'd have to change dates as house isn't big enough to accommodate a party this size.

My plan was to be upfront with friend about why we don't want her DS there (in as gentle a way as possible) and explain we don't feel he is ready for this sort of party, but I'm still not sure how she'll react.
DH thinks we should stress dangers eg risk of him getting hurt if he's running round in dark garden, could fall in water, burn himself on lanterns etc, stressing that he gets overexcited by lots of people and it will be hard for her to keep tabs on him. Or do you think this would upset her more, implying her child is less able to cope with hazards than other children?

base9, if running around and shouting was acceptable, no, he would not be bored with other kids and if he started wrecking things we would leave. He is very gentle with animals and smaller children so I can't see him hurting ducks or whatever. But he is LOUD and when he gets tired, his behaviour goes downhill, so yes, I would be worried about people judging. Though I would not have stayed to that point.

I don't know, I was thinking about this the other day - both times when he has chatted to strangers I have chided him for disturbing them, and they said he is confident, that is good; and he is curious, that is good respectively. So maybe I worry too much.

But yes, I am not sure how long he could go with complete free play in a garden and no toys or games especially later in the day without it becoming too much; and I would not really expect him to.

I think you are being unreasonable. Parties are about having friends together, even if their children are a nightmare.

I think you should invite the whole family, it won't be as bad as you think, and has to be done if you value her friendship at all.

He's only 6 so u reckon it's all or nothing family wise.

She sounds like a pita as does her ds though.

X-post with OP; honestly, I know my DS, he would struggle with that party, it is not a criticism of the party just the way he is. We could go for a couple of hours then I would take him home. It would be a recipe for disaster and the late night would knock him for about three days. I would just be honest with your friend. Or do you have a spare room she can let him go to sleep there, or the DC can chill with DVDs if they get tired?

You are putting a lot of time, money and effort into your party which is your special day.

I think it's time to be honest and I think if she hears it from you, on top of other people having similar thoughts about her DS, then it's time for her to face up to doing something about his behaviour. She has face up to it sooner or later.

It could be a lot worse on the day when he is being a pita and you have to deal with it and her in front of all your friends. Imagine that scenario.

This is very difficult, seeing as your friend knows about the party.

In this case, I think you have to be gently honest with her, and remind her about the previous occasions and say you are worried about her DS's safety and don't think it's an appropriate occasion for him.

Yes, I know you are more worried about the safety of other children and animals, but maybe best to focus on the fact that an evening party could pose a risk for him.

Can you stick to your guns over this and just keep saying, "no, I know how excited X can get when he visits us and I don't think this is an appropriate occasion for him"?

it does not sound as if she will keep a close eye on him during the party so you have to be firm over this.

But I don't think it is going to go down well

If she values your friendship she will have to understand your point of view and decision.

Well OP you have really answered the question yourself - quite clearly if you ask her not to bring her DS she is going to be very upset. Like you said she has already confided in you when other friends have done this so there will be a fallout if you go down this route. As for providing a "magical" experience for the other children I think you really have to decide what is more important. Either grit your teeth and invite all your friends and all their children so they have the magical experience and the fun of the party or ask your friend not to bring her DS BUT the reality is even if she does accept this and comes to your party she is then faced with all your friends and their children - it is going to make her feel pretty awful and upset. If you value her friendship and you don't want to upset her you have to either go down the route of inviting her DS and keeping an eye on him, stepping in to prevent problems in a diplomatic way or excluding all children. The other way is going to cause an atmosphere which will probably overshadow your party and cause you to lose a friend. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh I don't mean it to but you need to put yourself in your friends situation - it is human nature - you are going to make her feel very uncomfortable.

Well it looks like a choice between a friend and a 'perfectly magical' party.

Invite them, but have a frank conversation about his behavoior. Acknowledge the issues he has and come up with a plan. Use the resources of other adults to help manage and keep an eye on things. It takes a village to raise a child and all.

Remember this is a 6 year old child you are talking so negatively about and putting the whole weight of your perfect party on his and his mums shoulders.

Have a treasure hunt, hula hoops, etc. A quiet room to chill out with DVDs. Talk to him yourself on arrival and tell him where he can and can't go. Give him a job with responsibility.

And if it all goes wrong, well as least you tried but your conscious will be clear.

You can't exclude him and keep her as a friend-not if other children and her DD are welcome.
I think you know it or you wouldn't have asked.
I think that I would have the word about his behaviour and the way that she doesn't deal with it.

Fundamentally you are going to be telling her that you don't want her son there because he is a badly behaved little brat. No matter how gently you tell her, this is what she will hear. How do you think it will go...?

If you don't invite him and tell her, you will lose the friendship, for sure. Can you make it over 6s only or does that affect your other friends children?

I think in this situation, I would be upfront with the friend and say that you have concerns about the effect of her DSs different behaviour on all the others there. What can she do to alleviate it? If she can come up with some ideas about firm discipline etc would you be happy to have him there?

Could you hire a childminder or similar to keep an eye on all the kids do crafts and stories and supervise them a bit so you can relax? You can warn them the ds is a bit wild in advance. A chill out area with a film for the kids would be good if it's a late night too.

Do you have DC?

At some stage they are not going to be happy having to put up with an uncontrolled child when they have to behave/have boundaries/have their rabbits attacked/stuff trashed.

So she knows about the party? Big deal! That doesn't give her a right to an invitation.

Any child who behaved like this boy wouldn't be welcome in my house. Any parent who let it happen wouldn't be welcome either.

Forget the cries of it's mean, you couldn't do that, it's rude. It's mean to spit on other kids. It's mean to chase rabbits. It's rude to let your horrific little brat do that and hell yes you can do that. It's your home, you can do as you please. You can't let social convention and middle class niceties ruin your home or harm other people.

What do you want? To allow him there, be on tenterhooks watching his every move, waiting to tell him no and upset his mother then anyway? To have him spit on your other guests' children, hurt or kill your rabbits or trash your home and ruin your party and your relationships with civilised friends and their families? Or an uncomfortable moment where you protect yourself, your home, your family, your pets and your guests and take a stand because the kid's mother obviously can't.

I can't see the childminder working. She will need to be very firm-not something that will go down well with the friend I would imagine.