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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:

eyebags63 · 12/04/2015 17:56

YANBU but expect to lose a 'friend' over this. I say 'friend' because I do not believe a true friend would bring their DC to your house and then allow them to trash it unchallenged.

This child may well have some special needs that haven't yet been diagnosed, but that doesn't mean it is your duty to put up with his party-spoiling behaviour.

There is no polite way to really invite them without child when other children are going to be present. And if you exclude them completely you can expect them to feel snubbed, so either way the result isn't great.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 17:56

Don't invite her or her family, you cannot leave one out, it is mean.

hollyisalovelyname · 12/04/2015 17:57

You are between a rock and a hard place.
You will lose your friend if you say anything.
If you don't invite them your friend will wonder why.
We have friends like that.
One child. No boundaries.
Mother totally indulges her.
Another couple have stopped inviting her and her parents because of her bad behaviour.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 12/04/2015 17:57

invite whole family or none of them .

SoupDragon · 12/04/2015 17:58

Of course you can't invite all the family except the DS! How can you possibly think that is in any way acceptable?

You have to invite them all or none of them. If there were no other children there, you could say it's adult only but that isn't going to work if there are other children there.

Yonkersdoodle · 12/04/2015 17:58

I don't think you can not invite him. I think not inviting any of them would cause almost as much of a rift if she finds out they were the only family not to be there.

To be honest, I suspect your only real option is to invite them and either put up with his bad behaviour or bite the bullet and, if he starts smashing your fairy lights/trampling on lanterns/bullying other kids, etc, actually tell her that this behaviour is spoiling the party for the other children. But even as I'm typing that, I can see that it's a very very hardcore approach...

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 17:59

Unless your friend is very unusual you won't be able to do this without causing huge offence. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand. We had a similar issue some years back and did say something (after many occasions of said child spoiling various parties etc) and, to cut a very long story short, they never spoke to us again.

In summary, if you are at the end of your tether and don't mind losing a friend over this then say something, otherwise don't invite them at all.

Marcipex · 12/04/2015 17:59

are you sure your friend isn't on mumsnet? You've given quite a bit of detail.

Maybe the job is already done

Your garden sounds lovely.

LynetteScavo · 12/04/2015 18:00

If you don't invite her obviously she will be upset and wonder why.

If you don't invite the DS, then at least she will know why.

Either way, she will be upset.

If the DS comes you (and probably some of the other guests) will be upset.

Over all, not inviting the DS seems to be the best option. Personally I wouldn't dare, and would then post a thread about a child trashing my garden/house.

Have you considered telling the child off yourself?

I can't see this having a happy ending.

Yonkersdoodle · 12/04/2015 18:01

I mean, in nuclear option terms, if there's going to be a fall-out caused by her son's behaviour, it's maybe better if it happens in front of every single person you know, so she can't put around that you were being totally unreasonable to call her on it...

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/04/2015 18:01

Does the boy get invited to friends' birthday parties at school?
She must be aware of his behaviour but in denial.

He has been badly behaved for the last 4 years? And getting worse?

He wrecks things, torments other children, your animals (I've have belted him myself if he'd done that to my pets) spits, shouts.

Don't invite her or her DC or DH.

Hopefully she won;t just arrive thinking her invitation is unconditional.

And she does need to know why. Her DS sounds like a nightmare at 6yo. What'll he be like at 10? 15?

bubblypop · 12/04/2015 18:02

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who just allowed their child to behave in that way, so I probably wouldn't invite her or any of her family to the party and would just let the friendship come to an end.

BackforGood · 12/04/2015 18:03

I don't understand why you say "I can't not invite my friend"

Of course you can 'not invite' her.
It will happen to her a lot if she makes no attempt to control her ds's behaviour when they are out.
Maybe one day, it will sink in.
Why should he be allowed to run riot and spoil your party ?

GoEasyPudding · 12/04/2015 18:03

Can you have a secret party?

Does this friend know your other friends that you want to invite?

Do you know if she's going away on holiday? You could hold it then.

None of these options are very nice I know!

I wonder if you could be honest and say after what happened with the rabbits and the other kids last time (stick and spitting is way too far) you can't really have him round again until he is ok with animals and other kids.

This may end the friendship but if she can't take the truth on the chin then maybe an end to the friendship is inevitable.

After all you can't halt your social life in order to simply avoid the kid and to never to offend your friend.

lunar1 · 12/04/2015 18:03

Either way you are going to lose this friend. Her parenting is the problem and this is just going to come up again and again. I would just not invite her and be honest as to why.

You are going to fall out either way so at least by telling her the truth the boy stands some chance of his parents realising things need to change.

I have been where you are, but at the end of the day I had to put my own children first and not let them be hurt by an out of control child.

ClumsyNinja · 12/04/2015 18:04

Don't invite her and if asked, tell her why.

I agree that if she comes without her DS she's likely to complain during the party when she sees other children and its not worth having a scene over.

Eventually, the penny might drop and she'll realise why she's being ostracised and then it's up to her to decide if she wants to do anything about it.

ThingummyJigg · 12/04/2015 18:04

I bet this woman will have lost friendships already because of her parenting, though she mightn't be aware of it.

Where do you see your friendship going? Do you think her son is miraculously going to be angelic and pose no challenge to his mother's slack attitude? Or do you see the friendship breaking apart gradually because the stress of spending time with him is too much?

She is very rude, imo, to let her ds break things of yours and not a) apologise and b) be mortified. His treatment of the rabbits is a bit worrying tbh.

In what way can't you not invite her - have you already invited her? Have to have a word and say it's best if ds doesn't come, you know he can't cope in those situations and after his previous behaviour here, it's just going to be stressfull for all of us, I'm sure you understand......

I think you'll lose her as a friend either way because after her son comes to your party, wrecks your house and pisses off all your other friends, you'll be distancing yourself anyway.

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 18:05

The thing is, no matter how nicely you put it she won't like it. Partly because it's her son that you're talking about and partly because it reflects badly on her as a parent.

wonkylegs · 12/04/2015 18:06

I was put in a similar situation - we didn't invite the whole family.
I couldn't invite their son as he upset so many people including my son (no special reasons bar their son is a nasty brat) and both parents refused to deal with it (the dad even seemed to encourage some of the behaviour -"he's just being a lad" as he swiped another kid in the face with a large stick), as much as I liked my friend, she came part and parcel with her family so I lost the friend but frankly I had no choice. I was sad but inviting them would have affected relationships with other friends and my family as well as trashing my garden.

Dieu · 12/04/2015 18:08

No way would I invite. And she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. She will never sort things out if pandered to.

Rainbunny · 12/04/2015 18:08

Like everyone else I don't see why you have to invite her at all? I would just not talk about it and not invite her. Of course she may hear about the party through mutual friends etc... and if she asks you about it just be honest. There is nothing wrong with explaining that you don't want to deal with damaged flowerbeds and especially a broken rabbit hutch and scared rabbits (the scared rabbits would piss me off majorly and I would personally have no problem at all banning anyone from my house who scares my pets like that.) She may well be upset but at least you will have been honest, and I think she needs a bit of honest feedback.

AuntyMag10 · 12/04/2015 18:09

Yanbu, I wouldn't invite her at all though. You simply can't invite her and not her DS. He sounds like a truly awful nightmare to be around. His mother makes no attempt to discipline him and no one should be subjected to it.

cleanmyhouse · 12/04/2015 18:09

I'd be inclined to be completely honest with her. Tell her that you're having the party but that after the way her son behaved last time, you don't want him there.
You may lose the friendship, or you may find that it shocks her into action.

My son was a "livewire". I was painfully aware of it and we left places if his behaviour got out of control, it certainly didn't get ignored. He was never unkind to other kids, just noisy, hyper and occasionally, accidentally destructive.

Nobody is doing this kid favours by letting him behave this way. Maybe you setting down your boundaries will make her look at her situation.

But yeah, you may well lose her friendship.

MoanCollins · 12/04/2015 18:09

I agree with Dion. Don't invite her. She wouldn't come if you exclude her child so don't bother. The only alternative is to make it totally child free.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2015 18:10

I wouldn't want such a child at my house and would sacrifice the friendship if she continues to remain in denial about his behaviour.

Life's too short, a cliche but true and your garden sounds lovely!

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