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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
Mochamum · 12/04/2015 18:29

I understand totally where you are coming from and I have had similar situations with friends and their children. You have to either:

  1. Be upfront and honest - explain that you will be inviting friends and children but you do not think it will be a suitable occasion for her DS because of his behaviour - but you will probably lose the friendship.
  1. Have a party for your friends but exclude all children.

Have you really thought this party through? What will you do if it is pouring with rain, freezing cold with a gale blowing and you need to accommodate the party indoors plus everyone staying overnight - just a thought. Maybe a party for adults only would be a better option.

Dowser · 12/04/2015 18:29

We had on every badly behaved ( and drunk) woman at our summer BBQ. After insulting my friends son who was better behaved than her I got the chap who brought her to bundle her up in the car and take her home.

It was a horrible situation but she was spoiling the party.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 12/04/2015 18:30

Yes I do see the contradiction but they are meant to be separate statements, although I agree they don't look it.

Summerisle1 · 12/04/2015 18:31

Didn't mean to come across as picky either, Norfolk. Sorry!

Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 18:31

The thing is though, if you say it's no children she will probably be one of the people who will say she can't get a babysitter and can she bring him anyway? I think your only 2 options are to not invite the family at all or to be up front with her about your feelings.

ragged · 12/04/2015 18:31

Why do you have to invite this friend?

Narnia72 · 12/04/2015 18:32

Tough situation, and it sounds much more as though it's parenting issues than anything.

Children are essentially egocentric (obviously a MASSIVE generalisation and I'm sure there will be thousands of exceptions listed now ) but if they are allowed to get away with bad behaviour then they will, and it will become harder to reign them in, the more you allow. I know when I've given in on any issue for an easy life it makes the next time so much more difficult to deal with. If this boy's behaviour has never been checked then he might not have SEN, just has never had consequences for his behaviour.

I think you're on the verge of a confrontation. Either you have the party without inviting them, and she will inevitably find out and be very hurt, and a conversation will ensue, or you need to say that - whilst you understand children all misbehave from time to time - her son's behaviour is now impacting on others, both children and adults, and you're worried that it will be a very stressful party if he is there.

If you haven't spoken to her about his behaviour previously, or pulled him up on things in front of her it's going to be a real shock to her. As others have said, I'm not sure your friendship will survive this unless you can be really tactful.

No parent wants to hear that their beloved child is perceived as a little thug, however tactfully you put it, and I would struggle to hear that from a friend.

I guess it depends on whether you value the friendship and are prepared to risk your party as a result.

If it wasn't for the party I would suggest just meeting as adult for the future. FWIW my nephew was an absolute nightmare from the ages of 4-7, and it felt very much as though my sis had no control over him. Fast forward, he's now 8 and a delightful and gentle little boy. Things may get better!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/04/2015 18:33

This is not about the child, its about your friend not acknowledging the damage her child did on his last visit. I wouldn't invite her and if she asks tell her why. It may end the friendship though.

lacksdirection · 12/04/2015 18:34

I'm surprised you want either of her dc there, or does she parent them completely differently so her dd behaves where her ds doesn't? Confused

Mrsstarlord · 12/04/2015 18:34

If I was in your position I would talk to her about your quandry and ask what she thinks would help him to manage the party. Explain that it is going to be busy and lots of breakable things around, that you know he is a live wire and whilst you don't want to exclude him, equally you don't want her or you to be preoccupied with keeping him safe at the party. Ask, what does she think will would help?

Mochamum · 12/04/2015 18:35

Sorry meant to add .......your friend is in denial about her DS's behaviour and, therefore, will not understand you excluding him. So be prepared that if you ask her not to bring him she may take it ok at the time but once she has had time to absorb your actions she will react and I don't know how close your group of friends are but she will discuss it with them. This will have a knock on effect and could cause problems within your group. Personally I would opt for a party without children or grit your teeth and get through.

Biscuitsneeded · 12/04/2015 18:37

Have you invited anyone yet? Why not make it officially a 'no kids' party but allow your own kids to invite just one friend each so they don't get bored. Other people who want to come will find a baby sitter and that way if you want to keep the friendship you can. Agree with previous poster who said if the weather is awful it will be too tricky to accommodate children as well as adults. This may mean that friends who are parents might go home at midnight instead of camping overnight, but they will still have enjoyed the party and more importantly you won't have to worry. (And possibly your friend will get a much-needed break from her son, who does sound hard work and maybe she is just in denial because her life is so difficult).

DixieNormas · 12/04/2015 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbunny · 12/04/2015 18:38

Bran - not every "wild" child necessarily has SEN. My cousins - boys, two years apart were absolute monsters as children. My aunt/uncle were frankly crap parents in regards to discipline. They let the boys run wild, bully other kids, take other kids toys and break them, you name it they did it. My parents kept me and my brother well away from them after a few early incidents. My aunt now actually admits that she didn't want to deal with them as they were "too exhausting" for her. They're adults and have their own kids now and yes, their kids are turning into exact repeats of their fathers.

base9 · 12/04/2015 18:38

Do not invite her. You cannot exclude the son only, and you do not want him destroying your place and causing chaos, so you just have to call this friendship quits. It is very sad, but I bet you won't be the last friend she loses over this!

MissBrighton · 12/04/2015 18:41

I read your post and thought... poor mum. It sounds like she had an undiagnosed SEN child, is completely overwhelmed and well on her way to becoming isolated from her friends. Something that happens to a lot of parents of SEN children.

I'm not saying that this little boy should come to the party, as its sounds like he would not be able to cope with it or enjoy it and neither will anyone else. But I do think this is a mum who needs more support and less judgement. Maybe you could explain why you think coming to the party might be too much for him and offer an alternative time for you all to hang out somewhere (woods, the beach) where he can spend some of his energy without everyone having to worry about what he might damage.

Mochamum · 12/04/2015 18:42

Satsumafairy - Yes I see your point but if it is a no children party OP could justifiably explain that it would be better if they didn't come to the party as other friends have had to find babysitters and there won't be any other children there to play with.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 12/04/2015 18:42

Be honest with her and tell her how you are feeling....if she reacts badly ( which I think she will) then you need to walk away from the friendship as it will always be a problem between you

Have you raised the issue with her before?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/04/2015 18:42

She's going to be hurt when her DS doesn't get invited to parties or Playdates.
And the other schoolmums won't be so bothered about not hurting her feelings TBH.

I've had experience of one child who's behaviour over-ruled all the others and it was really hard work.

He sounds like he'd be a nightmare in a tent with no boundaries in force.

(And if you did stipulate a No Children party, what's to bet she'd bring him because he'd have a strop if she tried to leave him)

expatinscotland · 12/04/2015 18:44

YABU, just don't invite any of them then.

Romeyroo · 12/04/2015 18:44

My DS is high energy/hyperactive and I would decline your invite or find a babysitter anyway. He might behave for a bit, play on the swing, chat to whoever was doing the BBQ as he would find it fascinating (while I got anxious about his proximity to it); eat some things, but at some point get bored, see big lawns as an open space to RUN around, water features as some kind of play space, shout because he was excited - and I would worry the whole time people had their judgey pants on - plus, I would be worried about him waking at the crack of dawn in a tent and disturbing other guests.

Now if the party had a bouncy castle, some games etc., then maybe - but small boy, big lawns, water features and tents - he would get bored and at most, we would stay an hour or so.

Not excusing your friend's parenting, btw, I just recognise that your party, lovely as it will be, would not suit DS.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/04/2015 18:47

You don't want the boy there so don't invite the family. Be prepared to be asked why. I don't think I could leave a friend and her kids out of a party though. Confused Awkward.

TheHumblePotato · 12/04/2015 18:51

Agree with PP don't invite her at all. And as a consequence be prepared to lose the friendship should she discover other children / families were invited. There's no way around this; if you want her to come she has to come with her whole family or nothing.
If you insist on "I can't not invite her" and then end up inviting them and her son causes havoc you will resent it and you will not enjoy the evening. So YABU for considering asking her to split up her family to your liking but YANBU to not invite at all. It's your party.

Romeyroo · 12/04/2015 18:56

Oh, and DS is hard work; he is very different to DD who I pretty much could take anywhere. He is improving, but a LOT of time and effort has gone into it. I think Mrsstarlord suggestion is good - if this is a friend you value, raise your concerns and ask what you should do to help. There was another suggestion about hiring a babysitter or some entertainment for DC; maybe have a games table - have a chat with your friend about what would work. Phrase it in terms of her DS being able to cope - honestly, I know my DS is hard work, those who care for me make the effort to include him in a way that works and he copes. If that approach does not work, and you end up asking your friend either not to bring her son or to take him home, it will not come out of the blue.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2015 19:00

I'm another one who thinks this child may, despite the assessment, have undiagnosed additional needs and his mother is in denial. This is more usual than you might think. It sounds like she's run of of strategies to try and has just given up. It is unlikely to be solely a result of poor parenting if there are also issues in school at this age.

I would be up front with her, expressing concerns about his ability to cope and the risks to animals property and other children. Let her suggest a solution and, if she doesn't or you don't like her suggestions, put your foot down and just say it would be better for him not to come. Also say that you will completely understand if she decides that the whole family will stay away and that you don't want to lose her friendship over this.

I feel for the parents, the child and the sister in this as well as understanding your position. I don't think there's an easy way to do this but I do think the best way is to be honest and understanding of her position while firm about not allowing the child to trash your special occasion.