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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
momtothree · 12/04/2015 19:43

My friend has a son like this ... i apply my house my rules and he knows if he breaks those rules there will be no return invite!! You need to invite them over and explain the rules..... a friend of 10 years who knows what her son is like albeit not prepared to step up needs to know your boundries and tolerance in your house. If she wont step up you either need to speak to him or ask her too.

NonDom · 12/04/2015 19:43

Tricky one. If he doesn't have LD, your friend needs a wake up call regarding her lax parenting.

It's not acceptable for her DS to be unsupervised at your party, so she needs to either look after him or not bring him.

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 19:43

Absolutely understand you not wanting your party to be spoiled. Would you be brave enough to be actually honest? He breaks and hurts things and people, there is no misunderstanding that. Tell her that, don't try and hide behind 'all too much for him'. Give her real examples of it happening, make it so she simply can't deny it, then maybe you can discuss honestly.

AuntyMag10 · 12/04/2015 19:47

I agree with hoobypicky. It's not up to op to put in place 'strategies', be on eggshells, watching over this boy as she is a host and has other important things to see to. The only thing is to be honest but kind with her regarding the reason you don't want him there.
Maybe hearing the truth from a close friend would finally give her the wake up call she badly needs. He is already being excluded from parties, if this doesn't concern her enough about her precious child then she is standing by and letting a bigger problem happen.
Your party sounds absolutely lovely op, and shouldn't be spoilt by this child.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 19:48

Why on earth should the OP go to the expense of hiring a childminder because someone else can't control their child?

Or yes, suggest hiring one to the mother - i.e. "I'd like to invite George but after the last time he came and did x to the other children, to the rabbits and z to my furniture the only way we can facilitate that on such a busy day is if you find someone to help you keep an eye on him. I've found Jane from the nursery very good in the past. She shouldn't cost you much to hire for the evening, would you like her number?"

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 12/04/2015 19:51

You either have to be totally honest with her and tell her exactly why you don't want him there. Yes, it will hurt but that's not ultimately your problem. Why should your house and Garden be trashed and your pets scared because she can't be bothered to parent him properly.

Or you could change your mind and not have a party. Or just put off till a later date.

RoseWithAThorn · 12/04/2015 19:54

I agree with Vanitas. I'm a very upfront person though and wouldn't have an issue having a frank conversation with her.

Mochamum · 12/04/2015 19:59

hoobypickypicky - I understand where you are coming from but OP clearly states that she doesn't want to upset or hurt her friend and that she gets on with her very well. So it isn't a matter of us saying it's mean etc we are just pointing out that clearly this mum will be offended. Obviously, she is in denial about her DS and makes excuses for his behaviour so if OP is upfront and honest with her she will be offended and I think she will lose the friendship. Now that is fine if that is what op wants but she isn't saying that which is why other people are coming up with good suggestions to try and help her.

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 20:00

Totally agree the OP should not have to hire a child-minder because this one boy is allowed to be out of control by his mother. As he's basically never disciplined what on earth would the child-minder be able to do with him when he acted up?

As he's continually shows no respect for other people, animals, property or possessions, the idea of "chill out" room for him to watch DVDs in sounds like a recipe for disaster.

OP is satisfied none of the other children will need additional entertainment provided and that their parents will ensure they behave without the need to hire child-minders, set up a special room for them, buy craft supplies etc. The problem here is that boy's mother allows him to do whatever he wants and does not even attempt to try to make him behave. And because of that, his unchecked behaviour means he is an absolute menace and a danger to other children and animals.

FWIW his behaviour is concerning and it's good to hear the school are looing into this because if nothing is done to help him then he isn't going to be welcome anywhere.

Rivercam · 12/04/2015 20:00

I think that you could invite him, but it's your house, so your rules. If he is too boisterous/bullying, don't be afraid to tell him. If he has a meltdown, then ask him to leave. Perhaps have a chat with the parents before hand, give 'house-rules' for children coming to the party. Is. Which areas children are allowed in, not allowed in. ( useful for other parents also). That way, there'll be clear boundaries put in place, and if the child oversteps the mark, then you can appropriate action.

AyMamita · 12/04/2015 20:02

YANBU. Make it clear that you cannot accommodate her DS due to his behavious and give her the choice of coming with her DH and DD, or none of them coming.

Lweji · 12/04/2015 20:04

What River said.

I'd tell him the rules as he goes in, in front of his mother. And be prepared for consequences, such as asking him/her to leave the party, or go to a separate secure are until he calms down.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2015 20:04

I wouldn't invite her at all. You can't say I'm not inviting your child because he won't behave himself. If she asks why say I didn't think it would be the kind of event your DS would be able to cope with.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 20:07

You don't have to invite her and her family, just be frank if she asks.

zazzie · 12/04/2015 20:10

If you tell her he can't come, she is going to be offended. There's no way around that. We don't take ds to some events because he won't cope but if he hadn't been invited we would be annoyed.

bananayellow · 12/04/2015 20:14

It's a difficult no win situation.

I think I'd talk in general terms of how excited I was, but how I am worried about how many kids I've invited and how they will behave in such numbers, with their parents drinking and not keeping an eye on them etc. if I felt brave enough, or the vibes from her were encouraging, then I'd say, like you know how *** behaved last time, with the rabbits, jumping on the bed etc, I'm worried this will be magnified with more kids. I think I've bitten off more than I can chew etc. See what she says.

aimees75 · 12/04/2015 20:16

I think YABU. Can a 6 year old really spoil a party for everyone? He sounds difficult but I think you need to relax a bit, as you have said (and perhaps boasted somewhat) your garden is huge, how much damage can he do? It is quite unpleasant to single him out. He's only a kid. We had a party recently where some friends' children jumped on the bed, I had to change the sheets but it wasn't totally unreasonable behaviour for that age group. I would accept the fact that some people are a bit difficult and that's part of life, and invite.

minkGrundy · 12/04/2015 20:22

Invite them over a few weeks before party. Explain your house rules - say last time you were here you frightened the rabbits, you must be kind to the animals- and see if he behaves.

If he doesn't then say to friend, sorry, after way ds behaved today I don't think he will be able to cope with party.

If he does behave then perhaps being more used to your house will mean he won't kick off at party

Give him trial run. That way your friend might not think you have written him off without a chance.

Aridane · 12/04/2015 20:25

Oh dear - a lose / lose situation...

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 12/04/2015 20:25

He could damage her rabbit hutch a bit more and perhaps frighten them to death.

But hey yeah, he's only a kid. Hmm

LividofLondinium · 12/04/2015 20:26

...let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick...
At which point, if they were my beloved rabbits, I would've gone apeshit, and I wouldn't care who heard me eitherAngry.

I think sooner or later her DS will do something at your place that will bring things to a head. For example, how would you react if he had hurt one of your rabbits? Better to have a calm frank discussion of your concerns now before you send invites, saying you'd love to see them all but you don't want your plants trampled, your rabbit hutch damaged, the rabbits chased with a stick, and a tree damaged like last time. I really don't think you can ignore the elephant in the room in this friendship.

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 20:29

I think OP has provided ample evidence of how this child has ruined a number of different occasions because his mother allows his behaviour to go unchecked. The fact he is 6 doesn't mean he cannot have a huge negative impact.

OP does not want this child at her party because she knows his mother will not ensure he does not hurt animals/other children and generally behave badly and spoil the occasion for loads of people while his mother just ignores what is going on around her but at the same time refuses to allow anyone else to try to take control.

There is a world of difference between accommodating people with different needs and having to allow someone else's child to run riot simply because she will not do anything about his behaviour and ignores the impact this has on others.

To even suggest that OP should simply stand back and allow this boy to do whatever he wants is crazy. that kind of logic is possibly one of the reasons he is out of control and thus not welcome. Why should she have to put up with ANY wilful damage to her garden simply because his mother doesn't ensure he is not in a position to do any harm?

soapboxqueen · 12/04/2015 20:32

I don't think you can have your party as you want it and keep your friendship. I really don't.

If the school have had support in, he more than likely has sen. Just because it hasn't been diagnosed yet doesn't mean it isn't there. Many children are not diagnosed until much older than 6. Absolutely, she should be trying to mitigate her child's behaviour but have you thought about if she actually knows how to? I'm lucky in that I already had experience with sen children before I had my ds but it's still been fucking hard. Pretty much every piece of advice I've been given by other parents as well as professionals makes my ds worse. Ignoring him, assuming it's only me he's hurting, is one of the best methods of dealing with him. Otherwise I have to carry him out and that is physically very difficult.

Doesn't matter how you try to sugar coat it, she is going to see through it. To be perfectly honest, if it was me, the friendship would end the moment the words came out of your mouth and I would hate you for it.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2015 20:35

Can a 6 year old really spoil a party for everyone?

If he's hurting other children, damaging property and traumatising animals, yes, a six year old could make it an unpleasant experience for lots of people, especially if the behaviour is going unchecked by his parents.

hoobypickypicky · 12/04/2015 20:37

Are you sure aimee or are you the mother of the brat?

What harm can he do? Let's see - distress the other children, break the furniture, kill the rabbits. But never mind because he's only a kid, bless him. Hmm

Livid, I'd have thrown him and the parent/s out at the point at which he started on the rabbits, physically if necessary, so the party dilemma wouldn't happen.