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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
Satsumafairy · 12/04/2015 18:11

The thing is it's not as simple as just telling her is it? It's going to be really upsetting and embarrassing for you both. Ugh! This is bringing back horrible memories for me!!

Branleuse · 12/04/2015 18:13

Hes been assessed at school for behavioural difficulties and bullying. At 6?
I think youre probably looking at a kid with SEN here whether hes been diagnosed or not. Thats very off the rails for a 6 year old otherwise. He sounds very impulsive and active.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her. Ask if she thinks he could cope with the party and ask if there is anything that would keep him occupied and calm and talk about strategies if he isnt handling it.
If she isnt receptive to this, then ask her not to bring him. This will probably mean she wont come but it might mean that she would start taking the situation more seriously

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 18:13

You can't invite her and exclude her child - you will have to either not invite her or include everyone. I wouldn't invite her myself.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2015 18:14

In my head I'm thinking. Yabu. You can't invite all of your friends children and not expect his mother to go nuclear. Yes I know he may be chAllenging and I do get your reasoning but how do you say to someone, Oh come to my barbecue but don't bring thT little horror of yours, you can't. You also can't say oh I'm not inviting any children because if she gets there and sees other kids there she be furious. what mother wouldn't.
However all that said it's very easy for me to sit on my keyboard and prattle on Oh you can't do that to the poor little darling. I'm not you. I'm not in your situation. I just hate kids being left out though. Under any circumstances.
But I do get where your coming from though. I'd be lying if I said I didnt
If you do tell the mum not to bring him expect that to be the end of your friendship. I can guArantee thAt

Littlef00t · 12/04/2015 18:16

I think the only way to handle this is to be brutally honest about how you won't tolerate his behaviour and that's why you don't want him there. Be clear with specific examples of recent behaviour that impacted on you, your children and your home, where she didn't parent adequately and that you wont have him there as you refuse to allow further harm.

It is likely to seriously damage your relationship, so there is that to consider, but if he's as awful as you are saying, consider if you're happy about that.

SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 18:17

Can you invite them and when he behaves badly, say I your friend 'can you stop him from doing that please?' If she asks why, say 'Because I'd rather he didn't kick the rabbits, hit other kids' etc.

Surely she'd have to deal with it?

youarekiddingme · 12/04/2015 18:17

I wouldn't invite them full stop.

If asked why I'd explain that last visits haven't gone well and her DS has broken things. Say you didn't want her or other guests to feel pressurised.

it may be the end of friendship or may be when she opens up and admits she's struggling - so whether friendship will break or strengthen I don't know.

Summerisle1 · 12/04/2015 18:18

Whatever you decide to do, don't lie about it. Don't have a "secret" party of the sort that makes everyone else an unwilling conspirator and certainly, don't suggest the event is child-free when quite clearly there's only one child that this applies to!

If she questions why her family haven't been invited be honest. Say that her ds's behaviour in the past has put you in this difficult position but that ultimately, you aren't prepared to have the party ruined, other guests' children hurt and your house and garden damaged. It might be the wake-up call she needs. Even if it isn't, at least you've been truthful.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/04/2015 18:21

What kiddingme said

SisterMoonshine · 12/04/2015 18:21

What were you thinking of saying to her?

daffsandtulips · 12/04/2015 18:21

I would be very honest with your friend and tell her why. It doesn't really seem to be a young kids sort of event though, more for grown ups and older ones (10 and above), which should more or less ensure everything remains perfect.

I'd also expect her to not be my friend after this.

Dowser · 12/04/2015 18:22

You're not going to enjoy the party if you are spending your time policing this child.

All youcando is not invite the family.

If she has the guts to tackle you about it you've got to tell her honestly.

I really wanted you to come, however last time you were here little johnny was allowed to do things I don't like such as jumping onmy bed when really I don't even like people going intomy bedroom.

I wasn't going to enjoy myself with all that going on and neither would you as you would be continually looking out for him and checking him.

I value your friendship and I hope you can understand.

We will give it another go in a year or two when he's a bit more mature.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 12/04/2015 18:23

Just lie and say no kids allowed so she makes alternative arrangements and then just shrug it off when she arrives.

My friend did this for her birthday, knowing some would bring their kids anyway but knowing they were well behaved and others had the option to leave them elsewhere as requested.
Tbh she needs to know the truth and if you lose a friend so be it.

cariadlet · 12/04/2015 18:24

She'll probably be very defensive and hurt, but why should everybody else's enjoyment be spoiled because of one very badly behaved child and his ineffective parent.
I'd say go for it, but be prepared to lose her friendship.

keepsmiling2015 · 12/04/2015 18:24

If you do that you will not be friends with her anymore!

Why not suggest it in such a way that you want her to enjoy herself and have a few drinks/sleep over and to leave ds at home so she can relax.

FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 18:25

Of course you can "not invite" her.

If you invite her but not her badly behaved son, it will end your friendship.

If you don't invite her, she will either not know about it or will ask why she isn't invited and you can say "because I value our friendship and I know that if your DS spoiled my party it's likely that would cause a rift between us. I do very much want to stay friends and that wasn't going to happen if he came to the party."

She's probably read a parenting textbook that says if you ignore bad behaviour instead of punishing, and give praise and attention to good behaviour, your child will default to behaving well in order to get praise and attention. It's a lovely theory but it has major flaws - it relies on the child having enough cognition and knowledge to know what is good behaviour and what is bad, be self-aware enough and empathetic enough with others' feelings to know which type of behaviour he is currently exhibiting, and to notice the difference in the attention relating to each. I'm not sure a 6yo who is never told "don't do that" is up to making behaviour decisions based on such subtleties.

MaudGonneAway · 12/04/2015 18:25

I can't see from your post whether you have said 'Stop doing that' when he's damaged things in your house, or directly asked his mother to control or reprimand him?

BathshebaDarkstone · 12/04/2015 18:25

I'd not invite any of the family and, if she asks why, tell her.

Dowser · 12/04/2015 18:26

That's a good one Norfolk.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 12/04/2015 18:26

Anyway she is no friend if she thinks she can bring her badly behaved DS along knowing he could ruin your day, she should want to make alternative arrangements for him.

fakenamefornow · 12/04/2015 18:27

Can you go with bran's suggestion but also say when speaking to her beforehand if she could please take him home if it gets to difficult for him? I think that's your best chance of keeping this friendship.

Summerisle1 · 12/04/2015 18:27

Just lie and say no kids allowed so she makes alternative arrangements and then just shrug it off when she arrives... Tbh she needs to know the truth

Do you not see the contradiction here?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/04/2015 18:27

I would not invite her, if she approaches you about it, I would tell her that in the past her ds found visits to your home very difficult, you would rather that not happen this time.

mayfridaycomequickly · 12/04/2015 18:28

single I'm sure that the op wants to enjoy her own party though without having to police someone else's child.

BackOnPlanetEarth · 12/04/2015 18:29

I think you have to tell her. Confused. I would say that you have a big dilemma and that you are not sure what to do about it. I would then explain that you are worried that the party will be too much for her son and that you simply can't risk any of the other children (or rabbits) being hurt. I would be honest but 'sympathetic' about his previous behaviour. I would then wait and see what she suggests.

Alternatively, how about employing a babysitter for the evening and give her or him the sole task of watching the boy.

Ps, you party sounds like it's going to be lovely.