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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:

kissmethere · 13/04/2015 13:28

OPs friends child behaviour seems to be a result of lack of discipline and boundaries. Unless op there is an issue you're not aware of. I would have the conversation.

riveravon23 · 13/04/2015 13:38

EmpressOfJurisfiction I would respect them for putting it kindly, say I understood and say I would think it best if we didn't come. The last thing we would ever do is to make people feel uncomfortable in their own homes. There would be no hard feelings, there never has been. I feel sad, very sad, but I never attach blame or harbour harsh feelings. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions, I respect that even though I wish it could be different.

Heels99 As well as three children with special needs of my own, others without any difficulties, and dozens of foster children over the years, I would not expect anybody to be able to diagnose whether any particular child was just naughty, being parented badly, had some underlying condition causing them to act that way or some as yet to be discovered emotional reason. I know I cannot tell for a while - and of course, as you know, there is no magic line drawn between a child with special needs or not. The OP is understandably concerned for her home/garden and other guests, and although she may be more understanding towards a child with a firm diagnosis, the house/garden would still be trashed (or whatever), the guests would still be interupted in the same way. So in this particular case I think she will make her decision based on the child's behaviour, rather than the root cause of that behaviour.

ClaraM · 13/04/2015 13:40

My dd1 was very lively at a young age and a close friend advised me several times how to discipline her. (She was not caning rabbits or spitting on other kids though). This did not end our friendship, I tried to take on board her advice. I think you do need a frank conversation which, if you are close enough friends, does not have to mean the end of the friendship if done carefully.

On a side issue, are you planning on leaving your house unlocked overnight so people can use the loo or are you hiring a portaloo? As a frequent 'offroad' camper, this occurs to me when there are quite a few children in the garden.

zazzie · 13/04/2015 14:23

Isn't there a sister who isn't a problem? Unlikely to be just down to parenting then.

FromSeaToShining · 13/04/2015 14:26

After reading the other thread, I'm not sure what to suggest.

HermiaDream · 13/04/2015 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Goldmandra · 13/04/2015 15:52

Isn't there a sister who isn't a problem? Unlikely to be just down to parenting then.

I agree.

There is also the fact that the behaviour issues are happening in school too which also suggests that the issue is not purely a result of ineffective parenting.

It's very easy to assume that someone isn't using the strategies that most people use to manage their children's behaviour because they are lazy or incompetent but it can be because those strategies simply don't work for that child or are likely to just make matters worse.

cestlavielife · 13/04/2015 16:01

umm... your new garden will get trashed if you invite kids. end of. if you precious about it just invite one family at a time. unless you protect your plants and features, you cannot expect a whole host of kids and drunk adults not to impact on your garden over a few hours drinking and eating....

drunk adults might trash your garden. unless you fence off all areas a garden party involving lots of adults will end up in a muddy garden, plants trampled, water feature with beer in it, etc etc. even the best behaved children let loose in a garden - well you cant expect all blades of grass to remain unstepped on and no breakages...

on the particular family you invite whole family or not. you cant expect one child to be left behind!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 13/04/2015 16:02

The rabbits should be firmly away anyway - a party will be too much for them to be out and handled

What did you say to your friend after the last time? That was the occasion to say "it's not on for him to behave like this in my house / garden". It feels a bit unfair to now make it an issue if you didn't raise it at the time

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 13/04/2015 16:26

fromsea

what other thread? link please?

KatieKaye · 13/04/2015 17:11

Gosh, I've had several parties in my garden with adults and children present and no damage done at all!

Steppeoneggs · 13/04/2015 17:49

we had a garden party last year, very full garden, and it wasn't trashed at all. Mind you most of our friends are modest drinkers.

Really hard one op. I think you need to talk to her, but as others have said that may end the friendship.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 17:55

How the sister behaves has no bearing on it at all- different personalities need different parenting.

Goldmandra · 13/04/2015 18:42

How the sister behaves has no bearing on it at all- different personalities need different parenting.

Not according to our local CAMHS team. They consider it significant if a child has a sibling without behaviour issues.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2015 18:57

OP you earlier said "In past she's confided in me that other parents exclude him from kids parties and play-dates. She was upset over it and said they shun him 'because he's different' instead of being patient with him. Normally she's very reasonable but where her DS is concerned it's like she has a blind spot."

I also agree with zipzap that OP's friend is volunteering etc. to ensure that she is invited or at least to make it bloody difficult for you to not invite her. Which suggests to me that she has considered that she might not be. And the only reason she might not be is her DS's behaviour. Might I suggest that this gives you some leverage with her?

She knows her DS is a problem, even if she is in denial as to why. You have been friends with this woman for ten years - ten! I think you owe her an honest conversation. I think she owes you one too. Be straightforward. You are having a party, you want to enjoy it, and you won't have much fun if you are having to spend all your time policing her son. Ask her how she proposes to help you make it work. And her suggestions need to be concrete, not wishy-washy 'oh, I'll keep an eye on him', because you know about her blindspot. And yes, there needs to be a PlanB - where she takes him home. All the other guests are entitled to have a good time too, please point this out to her.

She already knows there is a problem. So don't pretend there isn't, TALK TO HER and thrash it out.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 19:43

my [mad] friend had a "garden party" once

her lawn was wrecked, her flower beds were wrecked, her washing line was wrecked and the garden was tramped into the house where the carpet was wrecked

never mind this individual kid, you will regret this

Only1scoop · 13/04/2015 19:54

As long as it's still 'magical' at the end Op with your lanterns and fairy lights still in tact ....water features gently bubbling away

KatieKaye · 13/04/2015 20:00

Clearly the state of your house and garden after a party depends on the state of your friends! My largest party had 80 folk attending on a summer day and evening, so in and out of the garden. There were about 20 kids in that number.

Apart from a bit of tidying up and a lot of washing up, everything was fine. If your friends don't wreck your house why would they wreck your garden?

TheMagnificientFour · 13/04/2015 20:13

OP, unfortunatly I have no advice about the invite as such and I think that giving it a try again is a good idea.

What I would say is that if he is underging some sort of evaluation at school, it's because they think something is going on. He might not have been diagnosed with some SN but I'm getting the feeling there is a POSSIBILITY that he is going to.
Now how would you feel if he had some SN and how would you deal with it then?

Would your friend been open to a discussion about it and for you to voice your concerns re noise/rabbits/water etc...?

Original poster

CaspianSea · 13/04/2015 20:16

None of our friends are heavy drinkers, so I don't think the garden will suffer irreparable damage. I can't imagine anyone pouring beer into a water feature, I'd like to think they'd have more respect for the fish!
I'm not fussy about grass getting trampled or muddy, the only things that would annoy me are people being cruel to rabbits, walking on flower-beds or actually causing damage to something like a water feature which I'm sure no-one would do even if drunk. We've put lights around edges of flower-beds and water features so people won't stumble into them in dark.

Yes we'll be leaving house unlocked so people have access to loo and kitchen.

It's an interesting point about his older sister. She's always been lively and loud, but obedient and is kind to other kids.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:24

don't say I didn't warn you

my friend and I's group of friends are perfectly naice, but still her place got trashed....most of it accidental but trashed nonetheless

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/04/2015 20:26

Can I nominate this thread for the 'Mentioning The Phrase 'Water Feature' The Most Times On One Thread' Award 2015?

Last year's winner - WaterFeatureWaterFeatureWaterFeature was good, but I think this one is a strong contender.

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 20:28

What if it pisses with rain?

Only1scoop · 13/04/2015 20:30

Ooo I love a good 'water feature' me....

Especially incorporating a few barrels

Sorry Op I'm you have a marvellous array of ....the features.

Only1scoop · 13/04/2015 20:31

Then the rain stokes up the 'features' and it activates the strobe lighting

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