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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 13/04/2015 08:09

I agree with BadLad. I'd invite her, wait for her DS to misbehave, then suggest she takes him home. She'll either step up to the plate or leave, but she can't deny his bad behaviour if it's just happened and she can't claim you're being unfair if he's the only one acting like that and hurting others.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 13/04/2015 08:12

And set out expectations for kids' behaviour before the party: "there will be lots of children so it's important that we're all kind to each other"

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 13/04/2015 08:13

StillStayingClassy, I think someone said the OP's admitted the school play thread was a wind-up.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/04/2015 08:15

Wait, what? The fight at the school play one? OP, what is going on?

KiaOraOAotearoa · 13/04/2015 08:15

I have lost a friendship very dear to me due to my friends's inability to educate her son. Scrap that, I don't even care she can't educate her son, it's because she can't even see the trail of destruction her son leaves.
We were very old and good friends. Our DD's were very good friends. I am not precious about posessions but I hate mindless violence and destruction.
I let it fizzle out. We're still meeting ocassionally, we're civil and nothing was ever said out loud. But no invites, no socialising with them.
If she ever said: god, he's a horror and I am at my wits end I would have continued to be friends. The fact that she can't even see...nah.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 08:18

Empress really? Oh I missed that.

So how are we to know her other threads are real or make believe?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 13/04/2015 08:19

Puff a jackets at dawn.....

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 08:33

Your party sounds awesome! I wouldn't bother with a pond cover for one party where there will be more adults to children. If you are lucky the naughty child will jump in and have to leave early!

He sounds terrible but the mum even worse. Where is dad? Is he as bad?

zazzie · 13/04/2015 08:40

I agree ArcheryAnnie. It's the vile comments from some posters that are wrong. Very predictable though.

YouTheCat · 13/04/2015 09:01

Poor lad sounds like he has additional needs to me. Pair that with parents who aren't coping or have no strategies in place to deal with that behaviour and you have a recipe for disaster.

Talk to the mum. Tell her you're concerned that it will all be too much for him/them and suggest they bring their kids for a few hours at most. He sounds like he needs very firm boundaries. Talk to your friend about what isn't going to be tolerated and suggest she knows her ds best and will know when he's getting bored and it's time to leave. Explain how you realise she has been upset at her ds being excluded from some things and that you don't want that to happen. See how she reacts.

If she is in complete denial, and refuses to acknowledge then you might just have to pull the invite but that will be down to her refusal to deal with his behaviour.

Both my kids (now adults) are on the autistic spectrum, at opposite ends. Dd would cope for a while but then become withdrawn due to too much noise/things going on but she never misbehaved at all. Ds has managed to cope with a couple of weddings but we had to limit time and manage behaviour. We'd usually plan to be at events for a short time to prevent meltdowns and would helicopter like mad. But then ds is completely non-verbal and can be very violent (usually towards me) and so just leaving him to his own devices was just never going to happen. The key with both was always to keep an eye on things and leave before incidents occurred.

Original poster
CaspianSea · 13/04/2015 11:32

'So how are we to know her other threads are real or make believe'

I can assure you all my threads are real. I wish the school play incident hadn't happened but unfortunately it did happen and I'm still cringing over it (especially when I collect kids from school Blush). I do accept that time I was BU and handled situation really badly. Yes adults do make mistakes sometimes.
I think there was a thread about trains active around same time (not my thread) that got deleted because the OP said it was a joke.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaspianSea · 13/04/2015 11:41

'He sounds terrible but the mum even worse. Where is dad? Is he as bad?'

Dad rarely intervenes. If he does he gets ignored. He's a very quiet man who stays in his shell at social gatherings. I've only seen him lose his temper once, when he smacked his son and my friend made him publicly apologise to son for smacking! I actually feel really sorry for him though it's frustrating when he turns blind eye to bad behaviour.

OP posts:
thornyhousewife · 13/04/2015 11:43

It doesn't sound like you like this woman or her son, so don't invite either.

She probably couldn't care less about your garden, so win/win.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/04/2015 11:44

there is nothing wrong with an adult apologising to a child for their bad behaviour.
Just don't invite any of them.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 13/04/2015 11:48

If you have been friends with this woman for over 10 years then I would talk to her about her son. You mentioned that other people have excluded them because of his behavior.

There is obviously a problem here and she is being extremely unfair to her son by not addressing it

Original poster
CaspianSea · 13/04/2015 12:08

'It doesn't sound like you like this woman or her son, so don't invite either. She probably couldn't care less about your garden, so win/win.'

I do like her, very much, and value her friendship. If I didn't like her or didn't care about her feelings it would be easier as I could just not invite, but she's my close friend and her son is a sensitive topic.

I agree with the poster who said she might have volunteered help to ensure she and family are involved. I guess she is used to being excluded. They're very 'outdoorsy' so the camping part is right up her street and maybe she thinks it will calm him down being outdoors with space to run around. And she probably realises we have reservations about her DS in garden after his behaviour last time. Having read about parents' problems with their own kids behaviour on this thread and how hurt they feel when excluded, I do feel it would be cruel to tell her not to bring DS without giving him another chance.

I think a trial run followed by a very honest chat is best way forward. And as many damage-limitation strategies as possible if he does attend!

OP posts:
HermiaDream · 13/04/2015 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 12:46

OP you've not said what you are going to do..?

I and many others have strongly suggested you be honest with her - not just for her and her son that clearly needs some extra help, but because otherwise you will likely piss off lots of other people and have to adapt your whole party around one child. And that child will probably still cause problems.

Heels99 · 13/04/2015 13:01

Very tricky. The anxiety of having him there could ruin it for everyone.
You are between a rock and a hard place. Mum is one of these liberal parents who thinks kids just bored/ high spirited/lively when in reality he is a horror. She is unlikely to effectively manage his behaviour at the party as she doesn't recognise that his behaviour is poor and will be drinking so won't be able to drive him home if he kicks off. I can't think of a
way to uninvite just him from their family. Depends how you feel about talking to her about his behaviour but it sounds like she would be dismissive anyway ' oh it was just harmless high spirits when he chased the rabbits' etc.
We had a garden party last year and we only invited adults except in any cases where they could not get a babysitter. Ended up with 4 children plus our own and 50 adults and it was lovely. But I had discussed it in advance with friends whether to do kids or no kids and they all wanted no kids as they wanted a lovely evening out without kid watching.

Good luck, it is a tough situatiion

kissmethere · 13/04/2015 13:05

You need to be up front with her. I don't think this is something you can dance around. Easier said than done .
I've had to put my foot down in the past and tell a parent they need to take the child home because of behaviour your friends ds has displayed. Didn't feel good about it but the child was wreaking havoc and upsetting everyone. Lots of huffing and puffing and bad looks for a few days but we've put it behind us. The child is still a nightmare and has been back but knows shes out the door if it happens again.
It's just one particular child btw.
she needs to really wake up to her ds and the effect he has on her life.

derxa · 13/04/2015 13:10

I hope the mother doesn't behave like the one at the school play.

riveravon23 · 13/04/2015 13:18

As the mother of children with special needs, and now a foster carer, I am very used to not being invited. Initially I found that upsetting, I was also sad that my children did not get the opportunity to socialise at parties ect, and learn how to behave in various situations. However, it is a fact of life and I accepted it. We had to make our own fun, and still do. I always knew it was because of the children we were never invited anywhere, but I think I preferred all of us not being asked, rather than told outright it was because of the children...that is embarrassing all round really and very upsetting.

Have a lovely party.

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 13/04/2015 13:23

Riveravon, how would you have felt if a friend has said "I'd like your children to come but I'm worried about how they'll cope"?

Heels99 · 13/04/2015 13:25

Riveravon, the child does not have special needs. He is naughty and his parents don't manage his behaviour.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 13/04/2015 13:27