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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
zazzie · 12/04/2015 22:34

At social occasions I am 2 inches behind my son ready to stop a hand or foot going in the wrong place and all the time scanning his behaviour for signs of meltdown. I've had years of practice. It will be hard when you are only just realising your child isn't behaving like the others.

Goldmandra · 12/04/2015 22:42

But would your friend be happy if any of those supervising parents the. Properly disciplined her child in the way she does not? I think that is an important factor to consider.

It's quite possible that the discipline handed out by other parents would be just as ineffective in managing this child's behaviour as that handed out by his mother. I would be very careful about asking other parents to intervene and deal with him as they saw fit. They may well bite off more than they can chew.

OP, please talk to his mother about the problem as you see it and ask her how she thinks it should be managed. There could be more to this family's situation than meets the eye and other adults doling out discipline could be disastrous.

Vijac · 12/04/2015 22:45

Could you invite them all but say when you see her that you know her son gets a bit overwhelmed at these things as last time he did x and y so maybe he'd have more fun with a friend. And hope she takes the hint.

SusanIvanova · 12/04/2015 22:45

I'm sorry but I missed the part where people are obligated to invite others because their challenging behaviour has an excuse. Or is that another of mumsnet's wonderful double standards?

If this child is so destructive and cruel (and yes it is cruel to chase tiny animals around with a bloody stick) he should not be invited simply due to social niceties. SN are of course an explanation for behaviours like this and should not exclude children if, and only if, they can be accommodated. OP is not able to accommodate him. His parents are unable to control him. Other guests cannot be expected to do what his family cannot. It is not mean of the OP, it is her home and she is entitled to invite who she bloody well wishes to!

weirdhamster · 12/04/2015 22:46

why on earth wouldn't he change? lordy kids grow up and out of behaviours! it's just adults who seem to think they should all be a certain way by a certain age and if they don't conform they must have some sort of additional undiagnosed needs Hmm

ArcheryAnnie · 12/04/2015 22:49

I do have "spirited" children in my very modestly-sized flat from time to time, and the amount of clean up (and the permanent damage) I find absolutely staggering from one afternoon. I do still see those friends and their children, but I am more likely to arrange to meet outside, and if they do come, I bombproof the flat and hide away treasures (though they've always found things to trash, even so).

These two options (meeting outside or bombproofing your home) aren't possible at a big party, and you will have too much on to supervise him.

The terrorising pets thing, though - I think that would be the cutoff point for me. Even locking the rabbits into the hutch isn't a sure thing, as he's already dented the hutch, and you can't rule out him breaking the doors. Rugs covered in felt-tip can be scrubbed, scribbled-on parquet floors can be refinished, books can be replaced, DS can rebuild his lego creations which have been hauled from the shelves and broken up - but a live rabbit, a real creature, if broken, can't be "fixed".

weirdhamster · 12/04/2015 22:52

just put the rabbit out of the way for this night, it's not hard

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/04/2015 22:55

Why not say 'no kids under 10s'?That way boy wouldn't come but family would be being treated fairly compared to others. It sounds like better for older kids anyway.

Bakeoffcake · 12/04/2015 23:03

Put the rabbit out of the way- it will be petrified by all the people and the noise.

Please make sure the water features and pond are safe if of you have young children coming. It only takes a few seconds for something awful to happen.

zipzap · 12/04/2015 23:19

I reckon the mum wants to help out with the party once she heard because she knows precisely how badly her ds has behaved at yours previously and thinks that if she is helping then of course she'll be invited along with the rest of her family, counting on you to be terribly polite and not bring up her ds... And of course, even if you say you don't want her help, by volunteering, she's showing you she knows about the party and being all nice so even if you don't want her help, the fact she knows you well enough to volunteer to help before you have invited her means that it makes it even more difficult to say ah but you're not invited.

Also I think she probably realises (and indeed you say she's noticed for some things) that as her ds's behaviour gets worse, he's not being invited to things. Therefore, by saying she'd love to help out, she's effectively trying to get her family an invite before you can say anything about not coming or her ds not coming.

Likewise - if she's actually helping you - then that gets her away from the responsibility of having to run around after her ds for the evening because she can say she was helping serve the food or pour the drinks or whatever she can find to do. I'd bet that she's tired of and embarrassed by her ds's behaviour but has got to the point where she thinks that nothing works so why bother. she wants her son to come and have a nice time doing whatever he wants to whoever and whatever without having to think of any of the consequences that this may have on others - from the serious (hurting the rabbit, other children) to the destructive (plants, water features, other's possessions) to the fact that it reduces other people's enjoyment of the event.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/04/2015 23:20

OP, if you do end up inviting them for the party, maybe you could specify that while some people will be camping, it wouldn't work for them, as you will have to let the rabbits out at some point over the course of the day, and their DS - lovely as he is - and the rabbits don't mix? Then at least you and your guests know they will be sodding off at a reasonable hour.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/04/2015 23:23

Oh dear, difficult situation.

lordStrange · 12/04/2015 23:45

I think Ghoul's suggestion of no under-tens is quite genius actually Grin

Can that work? You can even allow the odd eight yr old on the grounds that they 'act ten.'

Given what you describe this little boy is likely to bring untold (dis)stress to your happy new home party.

Samcro · 12/04/2015 23:48

dear op
you do know that SEN is not the same as SN don't you

annielouise · 12/04/2015 23:49

I think the open-ended invite is a recipe for disaster personally - people staying over means a licence to drink later, the kids won't all sleep so will be tired and irritable, the parents will be irritable. Personally I'd stay to 11pm then go home. Just have a normal BBQ and state it's 5pm to 10pm. Everyone will be gone by 11pm and it's doable. Up to you though. Everything you've said though, if it was to me you'd lose me as a friend. I'd feel you were being very patronising - even if the kid is a pain in the backside.

Original poster
CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 23:50

Bakeoff, how do you make water features and ponds safe? We have netting over one (to keep herons from pinching fish) it's a barrel with smaller barrels on top with water flowing down. But I don't think netting would hold if child tried to jump in. I assumed parents would be supervising children around water. Other features are shallow pools with fountains (less than 3" water depth) but the pond is quite deep in middle- although it has a slope at one end so could wade out if fell in. It's about 7ft x 5ft and doesn't have a cover. Its close to house and well-lit, with benches around it, so I'm guessing there will be adults nearby most of time. Do you think this will be ok?

Most of our friends children are age 4-10, so if we made it under-10s a lot of people wouldn't be able to come. We've had 'no children' parties in past where hardly anyone came because they couldn't/wouldn't arrange childcare.

I agree with putting rabbits somewhere secure, just in case. We have an old shed with a lock we could put hutch in for duration of party. It's a shame though as they're really friendly with kids and apart from my friend's son I'd trust the other children to respect them.

OP posts:
paddyclampo · 12/04/2015 23:54

Do you have kids yourself, OP?

lordStrange · 12/04/2015 23:59

What is SEN and what is SN semco?

FatherHenderson · 13/04/2015 00:00

If I was invited to a party and was expected to monitor or discipline this child O would be seriously pissed off.

I also wouldn't want him round our kids.

Original poster
CaspianSea · 13/04/2015 00:07

2 DSC (age 8 and 11).

Reason for camping option is we live quite far out so it's a long drive for some (especially on dark country lanes). We don't have room in house for more than one extra family to sleep but there's loads of space in garden and we have a few spare tents and camping gear. I'd rather people have option of staying over so they can drink and not worry about driving home or leaving early to get kids to bed.

OP posts:
ouryve · 13/04/2015 00:10

So you'll invite everyone with their kids, but not that particular friend's kid.

Yep, that would go down well with no hurt feelings Hmm

I have a DS who slaps me a lot. He does actually have severe SN, but the best way to deal with it is to ignore and distract and subtly model desirable behaviour, myself. On the surface, it looks like I'm holding his hands and playing with him, in response to a slap.

lordStrange · 13/04/2015 00:21

Ouryve yes, of course. However, frightening bunnies, and spitting at others, you would intervene yes?

ouryve · 13/04/2015 00:28

I would have the bunny thing covered with one of the boys (slappy boy loves animals). The other is more unpredictable (bigger boy has boundary issues). I would like to be invited on an equal footing with other friends, though, even if I could only stay a short time with the boys. If I found out I'd been invited, but not the boys when lots of other children had bee, I don't think I'd want to stay the night, to be honest.

And, even if she is a truly shit parent, I think the lady in question in the OP would feel the same about unequal invites.

UncertainSmile · 13/04/2015 00:29

Your party, your rules. I wouldn't really want him to come to one of mine either really, but your friend might well think differently.

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 00:40

I would put rabbits away as they may be scared, too much noise etc.
With regards to your friend, what do you think her response will be?
How would you feel in her position?
I understand where you're coming from not wanting him there etc.