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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring her DS to our family-friendly garden party?

342 replies

CaspianSea · 12/04/2015 17:46

At end of May DH and I are having a party to celebrate our new home. Weather permitting it will be mainly outdoors as we have big garden with outdoor lighting, and a covered patio area. We're thinking BBQ, drinks, fairy lights and lanterns in trees etc and will be inviting friends to bring tents and sleep over if they want to. So not a formal party but relaxing and fun with a 'magical' feel. It's a lovely garden with water features and mature trees, plus a swing, great for kids. Many of our friends have kids, some don't, we're happy for kids to come. We don't mind a bit of noise, boisterous play, tree-climbing etc provided parents keep control. What I don't want is the garden getting trashed or me and DH having to keep an eye on kids if people let them go wild.

Most of our friends' kids are well-behaved. The problem is one of my close friends. She has a 6-yr-old DS who is very loud, rude and obnoxious. He does not have SEN though he's been assessed at school due to behaviour problems and bullying other kids. My friend laughs off his behaviour and says he is 'a livewire'. He's the apple of her eye and she's very indulgent of his behaviour, saying he is 'a bit different'. For the past 4 years, every time we meet up with them he causes some kind of scene. He is always shouting, yelling and screeching indoors though my friend feigns deafness (last week he was repeatedly hitting her over head with a balloon whilst shouting, she just ignored him and carried on her conversation). Last time they came to our house he trampled my flowers, kicked a dent in rabbit hutch, let my rabbits escape then chased them with a stick he'd snapped off tree Shock and was generally nasty to the other kids present, pushing and shoving them and spitting on the smaller kids. He also went into our bedroom and bounced on bed. My friend shrugged it off and apart from a few mild attempts to get him to calm down, seemed to think it was ok for him to tear around shrieking for hours, so loudly nobody could enjoy the day. Every time we go to their house he has some kind of meltdown if he doesn't get his own way, and Ive lost count of times he's had tantrums in cafes. Once his dad lost patience and smacked him (for throwing food at lady on next table) and my friend told off her husband in front of everyone and made him apologise to his own son for smacking him! Her husband is very meek and downtrodden.

I can't not invite my friend to pastry and I'm happy for her DD to come, but I know her DS will ruin the party and upset other people's children. AIBU to ask her to leave DS with his grandma for the eve?

OP posts:
lordStrange · 13/04/2015 00:55

Ouryve, I will say that if as a parent you know your kids limits and are able to sense when their limits are reached and act accordingly, well that is one thing. The mum that the OP is talking about does not 'limit' the behaviour.

So, if my child frightened children or pets at someone's house I would remove them immediately.

My good fortune is that I have easy going kids. They have their own 'stuff' obviously, but their social behaviour is fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/04/2015 01:12

You can buy metal mesh covers for ponds that are strong enough to hold if a child falls on them, I suggest you invest in some.

I wouldn't be happy having this boy to the party - the trial run is a good idea, and you can make it clear to your friend afterwards that his behaviour precludes him being invited to the main event, if it's as bad as expected. It's then down to her whether or not she chooses to come without him - she probably won't, from what you've said about her though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/04/2015 01:13

Metal pond covers

echt · 13/04/2015 01:29

Rebar is cheap, and strong enough to take a child's weight.

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 05:49

Op you sound lovely and thoughtful.

But oh my gosh what a lot of expense, time, energy and putting yourself and others out because of one child!

A trial run BBQ just to see if he can behave?! Other guests on a rota to look after him?! Moving and locking in your animals even though they would be a wonderful addition to the party for all the other children? Setting up a chill out zone? Metal covers for the ponds?

I've read the entire thread and, though there are some great suggestions, I think the best course of action is honesty - talk to her and be gentle, supportive but honest.

'Friend, I've been thinking about our summer party and I'm a concerned about your ds. As you know we have the rabbits, ponds, water features, it will be dark and all the children will be overexcited and I'm worried he will come to danger. What do you think? Do you think he can cope with it?'

She might be shocked or upset but if you state it like that and bat it back to her then she has to address this.

You can make all the adjustments and plans for this child but he is STILL likely to run riot or cause incidents especially if the mother does not face the truth. She will turn a blind eye if she's in denial. Do her a favour and talk to her. You will fall out with her anyway if he's a terror on the night.

Btw I have huge sympathy for the parents and for the boy in question - I hate to see children demonised and like others guess he has still undiagnosed SEN.

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 05:50

(though I agree pond covers would be a good idea bearing in mind any/all children)

KatieKaye · 13/04/2015 06:02

I agree with Gin, but would add that a lot of the problems seem to occur because your friend does not supervise her son closely or intervene timeously when he does something like trying to hurt the rabbits. She might be in denial about any SN he might have but that does not mean she can ignore the negative impact his behaviour has which in turn means he is very likely to behave in this way at your party.

A small daytime affair indoors would probably mean there is less chance of him causing issues, but to invite him to the evening affair sounds like trouble waiting to happen - not so much for him but for the other children and your garden simply because you know she will not supervise him according to his needs or intervene to stop him.

Unless you are confident that he can be watched at all times, especially with other children there I really would not invite the family to a large evening garden party with lots of other children there as it simply isn't the right occasion for him.

BadLad · 13/04/2015 06:05

I wouldn't allow him in my house, but the best time to explain that he would not be welcomed back was after the first time he was a little shit.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/04/2015 06:13

Why not say 'no under 8s' then? This would include your child and exclude the other boy. I actually wouldn't be able to relax with my 5 and 6 year old in the set up you describe so probably a good idea to limit to older kids.

CoffeeBeanie · 13/04/2015 06:54

After the latest nasty behaviour culminating in rabbit incident I would have made it clear he was not welcome in my house anymore. There is a limit to what I would be willing to let my other guests, my own children and pets cope with.

CoffeeBeanie · 13/04/2015 06:57

I would not fabricate age restrictions to exclude the boy, that's not fair on friends with well behaved 4 year olds. I'd tell my friend why he cannot come.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 07:00

In answer to weirdhamster - he is unlikely to change because his mother is doing nothing to stop him. Whether or not he has SNs she simply has to take responsibility for him and prevent him upsetting others.
I can't see any way around not talking to the friend about it.

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 07:03

I agree coffeeBeanie that I wouldn't fabricate age restrictions, and cut out a lot who would enjoy it, simply because OP won't speak to the friend.

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 07:05

I think it's madness to fabricate anything tbh, or make all these adjustments - some very costly.

All you will do is piss other people off, tie yourself in knots and very likely still be left with a six year old causing mayhem as the mother will somehow feel the restriction doesn't apply to her ds I guarantee it!

The only path is honesty. OR don't invite them. Which will no doubt result in having to have The Conversation anyway.

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 07:11

I'm not saying it will be easy to have an honest conversation btw, I'd be very anxious about it too - and feel slightly resentful that I find myself in this position simply because I want to throw a lovely event for friends.

Janethegirl · 13/04/2015 07:16

I have excluded certain children from my house and garden in the past. Not easy but not impossible, but you are likely to be challenged by their parent.

KatieKaye · 13/04/2015 07:17

Agree that imposing an age restriction when OP has no concerns about any other children would be a silly thing to do and probably cause more bad feeling among other parents if they suss the reason is this boy.

His behaviour and his mothers unwillingness to deal with it are the issues, so why make other children (and their families) the victims by an arbitrary system of exclusion like this?

Mehitabel6 · 13/04/2015 07:23

I can see exactly why you are shying away from it but there are only 2 solutions

  1. Don't invite the family.
  2. Have an honest chat with friend.

Neither are likely to go down well and you may lose a friend.

Of course there is option 3 - do what you usually do and invite and put up with it. ( however it will spoil it for everyone else)

Bunbaker · 13/04/2015 07:33

I would try the honest chat approach first, along the lines of Ginmartini's suggestions. I would ask the parents to be more vigilant about their son's behaviour "because last time he was her he did this, and this and this etc, and it is simply not acceptable". Perhaps you could say that if she doesn't try to keep her son in hand that other people might do it for her in a way that is not acceptable for her.

zazzie · 13/04/2015 07:58

There have been some very unpleasant comments about a child who is likely to have sn and as yet receiving no help for it. It's not his fault his mother isn't coping.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/04/2015 08:01

I'm reserving judgment about this now that I've read some of OP's other interesting threads.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/04/2015 08:02

I think a lot of people have tried to come up with creative solutions here, zazzle. It's not the OP's fault either, and she shouldn't have to completely rearrange or abandon her plans just because of one family.

KarmaNoMore · 13/04/2015 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 13/04/2015 08:04

Still staying

Are you getting a bit eggcited about this????

snice · 13/04/2015 08:07

What a busy life the OP leads