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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 12/04/2015 07:45

How far away is the wedding?

To be fair, it's going to cost them more in travel, eating and drinking to go away for a whole weekend (for the wedding) than it is to just go to the spa day.

LindyHemming · 12/04/2015 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:51

It's a 45 minute drive, I was thinking of hiring a mini bus to take them all there and back so they don't have to pay anything at all, but sort of feel that they've got 7 months to save £80. For some people that's just not possible and I get that but I'm just maybe stupidly upset that they can make a £90 spa day, a meal and a night out but not the wedding. Although you a re right, a weekend would probably end up more pricey, it would be Friday night, then Saturday is the wedding and then they'd go home Sunday so we're talking Saturday breakfast and Sunday breakfast with £80 on accomodation?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 07:52

Asking people to go away for a whole weekend is a pretty big ask. I have dogs, so that would mean kenneling or getting a dog sitter for the weekend, and then if it's no children, then I have to find (and pay for) a babysitter as well, and it means spending a weekend away from my son. Plus there's all the other expenses on top of that. And to be honest, having to share a place with 15 other people sound's absolutely ghastly. I can't think of 15 people I would want to share with for a weekend, and if they were strangers, well then it would be a no.

People are entitled to have their weddings where ever they choose, however you can't get upset when that choice means it is too difficult, expensive, or unappealing to those you have invited. It's an invitation, not a summons.

These friends are obviously happy for you, and would like to have some celebration with you. Perhaps focus on that and just enjoy the day.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:53

I garunte they'll all buy outfits for the hen, and probably all get there nails done at the spa etc. but yes, I do see what you mean.
Perhaps I just need to take it less personally.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 07:53

Your wedding would cost a small fortune. You mentioned a weekend so is that two nights?

That's two nights worth of food and drinks.

New dress, shoes, beautifying yourself, getting to the hotel it all adds up.

How many can't come due to costs?

I do feel for you but you have to be realistic in what people can afford

They can clearly afford your hen night........

TheMustard · 12/04/2015 07:55

Why does it have to be a whole weekend's worth of wedding? Why can't your guests arrive on the day, instead of the Friday?

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 07:57

Just saw your update. For 45 minutes drive away, I'd come up for the wedding part, but not stay for the whole weekend. Forty five minutes driving is absolutely nothing. It would just mean I didn't drink at the wedding, but would save myself an awful lot of money and hassle with organising pets. That's not an "away" wedding, that's just a normal wedding, but you want a whole weekend of celebration. Just have the wedding and reception and let people decide whether they want to drive up just for the event or if they want to make a weekend of it.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/04/2015 07:57

that's hurtful op, I get why you're upset

yeahokthen · 12/04/2015 07:58

Sorry, their friend is getting married but they won't come because it's too expensive? Sure lots of people can't afford a whole weekend but if it's only 45 minutes away why can't they come for the service & reception then go home again?

Poor show, YANBU.

tumbletumble · 12/04/2015 08:00

Yes, I would be upset too. They're basically saying they're up for a fun day out but not bothered about actually being there when you get married.

JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 08:04

I think it's cheeky asking everyone to pay £90 for a hen do when you know they are short of £££. Perhaps they feel they have to commit to either the hen or the wedding and the hen is the cheaper option.
Sack the spa day!

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:04

Yes but a taxi would be expensive there and back

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:04

What about hiring a mini bus

OwlinaTree · 12/04/2015 08:06

I'm with you op, I'd be hurt by that reaction.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:09

I didn't ask them to come to a £90 hen do! I asked for a meal out! They asked for the spa day etc! And the problem is most of the accommodation has a minimum of a 2 night stay as its over the "festive period" that's why I was willing to pay the £600 deposit for them all, It would be £80 and they'd need to buy themselves breakfast for 2 days and pay £80 for the appartment. I understand where you're allcoming from but they'd buy a new outfit for the hen night, they'd pay for drinks and spa and a meal but apparently can't afford fuel for 45 minutes, £80 for accommodation and to buy themselves breakfast on Saturday morning and Sunday morning before returning home.

OP posts:
Calloh · 12/04/2015 08:10

I would hate going to a whole weekend wedding - do they know they don't have to be there for all of it?

It's not me being curmudgeonly and anti-social, well it is a bit, but I need some time to just chill out at the weekends with my children and husband - not for my time to effectively belong to someone else. I also second midnite in not ever wanting to share an apartment with 15 other people.

It is probably not personal

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:11

Quiet, I'm looking into the mini bus idea but I feel that if I have to do all this for them to come, do they really want to come?

OP posts:
Calloh · 12/04/2015 08:11

If it's over festive period doesn't that make it even harder for people to find the time?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:12

They would have all day Sunday to themselves, Friday evening to as they wish as I've told them they could just come to the evening on Saturday from 7pm-1am and they don't HAVE to come to the whole thing. They could have all day Saturday to themselves then too Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:13

It's the end of November but they have a Xmas thing going on the weekend we get married thus a king it pricey.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:13

Making*

OP posts:
ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 08:13

I can understand why you're a bit hurt. It's only 45 minutes away, you don't need to stay over and pay for a hotel.

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:16

Can't you have a word with a trusted friend and ask her to be brutal with you as to why they can't come?

What about the cost of lunch and dinner?

Anyhow where is this wedding? Can I come I need a nice break somewhere! Smile

wowfudge · 12/04/2015 08:17

From your posts you are 'thinking about' hiring a minibus, the apartment rental was an afterthought - it strikes me that you should have discussed what you were thinking of doing for your wedding and what your friends' thoughts were much earlier and actually organised a minibus and the apartment, etc in advance and let them know about it when you sent out the invitations.

Is the £80 for the apartment for one or two nights and is it for one person or per room, so £80 for a couple? If it's £80 pppn and that's cheaper than the hotel then I'd say you are having a very expensive do!

As for the spa day, well they want to share in part of the wedding with you and can commit to one day, but not a whole weekend? Perhaps the wedding venue is somewhere they will feel intimidated by?