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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 13/04/2015 08:00

How is the ceremony 'the most expensive part'?! Isn't the ceremony basically free, and the reception is the bit where you have to pay to feed and water people??

Bunbaker · 13/04/2015 08:43

I meant the wedding breakfast really, which is usually straight after the ceremony and is generally lumped together in wedding invitation as opposed to just an evening do which, more likely than not, will have a pay bar.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 13/04/2015 08:47

Honestly, I told my friends when I gave them the invite along with everyone else who got an invite to the ceremony, "please don't feel like you HAVE to come to any of it but especially the ceremony, it's early and awkward for a lot of people, if you'd like to just come to the evening I wouldn't be in the slightest offeneded".
I then had people saying "oh we want to come to it all but it's so expensive and we can't fine accompdation cheap" so I went and I found accompdation as cheaply as possible. When I suggested this accompdation I got no reaction. At this point my friends were probably just being polite and really couldn't be arsed with such an early start but didn't want to say. So I left it.
I then got bombarded with leaflets for spa days after mentioning I didn't want anyone organising a big hen night and a meal out is fine. "No we want a spa day, you'll love it. It's £90pp and then we can go for the meal and go out" okay fair enough, are you coming to the evening reception for the wedding?
"No we can't afford it".
Okay I'll put on a mini bus there and back, it'll cost you nothing.
"Oh but we don't want to get a mini bus back at 12am pissed it's too far"
In all honesty, I'm not sure what else I could've done, or how I could've been more accommodating other than changing my ceremony to the evening which would really piss those off that had booked two nights in bath.
I can't win here & telling certain people they can't come to the ceremony (not friends) would have completely ruined the whole thing.
All I can do now is try and think of something for the close family and friends to do throughout the day before the ceremony.
We'll get there eventually but I don't feel there's much else to say regarding it, surely??

OP posts:
firesidechat · 13/04/2015 08:48

Wedding invitations are just that Bunbaker, invitations. People are allowed to decline.

In the last few years we were invited to 3 weddings which required a two hour journey there and 2 hours back. The first was just for the evening because the church was too small to accommodate all the guests. Another was the ceremony and evening and we killed time visiting relatives in between. The last one was ceremony and evening reception on Christmas Eve and for obvious reasons we just attended the ceremony. Having done these three I wouldn't do it again if the travelling time was the same. I would send a gift instead and hope the couple understood.

I'm not stroppy about it or offended. I just prefer not to attend evening receptions. And, like it or not, it does feel a bit B list. Which is also fine because some friends are closer than others.

Bunbaker · 13/04/2015 08:52

"And, like it or not, it does feel a bit B list."

We will have to agree to disagree then. Most of my friends are not well off and being invited to just an evening do felt like a privilege rather than an afterthought. I'm not easily offended though.

Smartiepants79 · 13/04/2015 09:03

I think you've tried very hard to accomodate your 'friends'. You've done a lot more than I would have bothered to.
I agree, if they can afford £90 plus for a hen weekend then they can afjord the wedding.
I would be upset by this behaviour.
I wedding only 40 minutes away could essentially be almost free if you choose to make it so. New clothes, hair and nails are not essential.

BackOnPlanetEarth · 13/04/2015 09:11

OP
...and please don't feel like you HAVE to come to any of it

Shock WHY, why would you say this when you don't mean it. It's unfair to your friends. They can't read your mind. ....... 'Say what you mean and mean what you say'

I think you have given out mixed messages. Your split day, the fact you want to spend the day just with your DH and the fact that you originally didn't want guests at the ceremony all points towards the fact that your guests won't think you mind if they come to the wedding and/or the evening wedding.

firesidechat · 13/04/2015 09:11

But you're treating B list like it's a dirty word or something. It just means people who you want to come to your wedding, but not as much as you want some other people to come. I don't suppose couples are picking names out of a hat when they designate quests to the evening do. They are deciding who is more important to them.

I'm not offended by it, but may have to make a hard decision about whether an evening reception is doable or not. I don't think I'm alone in that.

yeahokthen · 13/04/2015 09:18

I don't usually go to evening wedding parties as a rule, unless they're local. The exception would be a couple who've got married abroad then had a party when they got back.
I'd class Chucks party as that, they're having a very small ceremony for them and close family then a party for most people at night.
I probably wouldn't stay over for the weekend though, we'd just drive the 40 minutes. Others might stay in the travelodge that a poster upthread found.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 13/04/2015 09:22

back when I said it, i MEANT it. its not them not attending the ceremony that bothers me (I actually didn't expect anyone but the few that insisted on coming in the first place to come) and actually it's not even the fact they aren't even attending the evening that offends me. It's telling me they'd love to come but aren't coming because of money as a reason and then trying to blag a spa/hen night I don't want that will cost loads of money. If they aren't interested in the wedding or party that's fine but I'm not interested in a hen night with people who aren't interested in celebrating my marriage at absolutely no financial cost to them.
That's all. And I dont see that as unreasonable.

OP posts:
Osmiornica · 13/04/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CindyEcstacy · 13/04/2015 09:28

So they've ^all^ replied to yesterday's text message and said they didn't want to get the mini bus you just offered - because it would be too far for them to travel pissed??ShockShock

You need some new friends OP

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 13/04/2015 09:32

I don't want people load of people at our ceremony no, the thought scares me beyond beleif, I hate being centre of attention and have bloody panic attaks when under pressure haha! But if I was to have people there it would be close friends and family and that's who I've invited.
All hell was set loose when we informed dps parents we wanted to get married alone and celebrate later, tears, blackmail, drama beyond beleif so we invited them. We both have a terrible relationship with pil, and the concept of us getting married with just them there and then sitting down for breakfast with them to "celebrate" was depressing. we invited my family to be fair as dps were coming and close friends. My friends knew I wanted a small wedding, but expressed they wanted to come. Now they aren't even coming to the evening despite all my efforts to get them there hassle and cost free.
Why would they think I'd go to so much effort to have them there if I didn't WANT them there? I didn't want them to feel forced to come, no, that's why I said there was no pressure. Clearly they don't want to come which is totally fine but how do they think I feel that they are itching to throw money at my hen do rather than to celebrate my marriage?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 13/04/2015 09:34

Pretty much cindy perhaps they feel it's not important and the ceremony is all that matters and don't want to come.
That's their choice, some people on here have expressed they wouldn't just attend a even evenkng reception. Perhaps they just feel the same

OP posts:
LegoSuperstar · 13/04/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/04/2015 11:36

Having read all your updates, OP, I think (drumroll) Grin

YANBU

Those friends are being selfish and mean. I think you've done everything you can to be a good host and I hope you have a lovely day.

maliaki · 13/04/2015 13:55

I don't think your friends are actual friends OP, they can't be bothered with the wedding or doing the quiet chilled hen you want, they're using you as an excuse to go on a spa day for themselves. Do what you want to do, hen and wedding wise.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 13/04/2015 14:44

Your mistake was in not sticking your guns about having the ceremony on your own. No matter how
Much whining from the in laws. Are you now stuck with them all day ?

shirleybasseyslovechild · 13/04/2015 14:48

And do NOT AGREE TO A SPA DAY. . I'm with you on that. Bizarre horrible things

CindyEcstacy · 13/04/2015 16:12

Ps Crystal - I'm a huge Soft Cell fan Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/04/2015 17:12

Chuck... sorry for referring to you as Chunk, I'm a bad typist.

Pippa12 · 13/04/2015 18:04

From what I can tell your true friends and family have confirmed they are coming...even expressed sincerely that they wanted to come and watch you take your vows. They've booked rooms despite the hurdles and made plans to fill the gap between ceremony and wedding. They are therefore obviously excited for you both. This should be heartwarming to you- you and your DP are obviously very special to these people.

IMHO stop obsessing over these acquaintances who are ruining the run up to your wedding. Making you feel like you've made a hash of it all is awful. If they can't be bothered to get on a mini bus these people are not your friends. Embrace the company you have and look forward to your day. Every now and then you realise all is not what it seems in fairly new friendship groups. Have the hen doo you want- and perhaps have a honest look at the guest list- quality not quantity.

CrapBag · 13/04/2015 21:13

Hang on, I thought when you said your friends insisted on coming to the ceremony, you were talking about different friends, not these who now said they can't afford it after saying they wanted to come. Wtf.

I changed my mind, YANBU, they are pissing you about. You have tried to find ways to accommodate them . They have trampled all over the hen night you actually wanted and made it what they want to do. Screw them. Have the meal you wanted, no spa, tell them no worries, you won't count them as guests for your evening and find some better friends. These are not true friends.

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