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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
keepsmiling2015 · 12/04/2015 09:24

A wedding will ALWAYS be more expensive than the hen. Also you say it's the whole weekend. I don't think you should take it personally.

However, I think you should stop going out if your way to make it 'easy' for them to come. Let them pay their own way, I'm regards to accommodation and travel.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 09:25

What time are you getting married? 6:00 am?

Because if it's a more likely time of 10:00am, (at the earliest) I don't understand why they couldn't be dressed and out of the house and in a taxi at 9:00, for a 45 min journey.

If the timing of your wedding makes it impossible for people to get there in time to make it a one day event for them, rather than three days, why don't you get married a little later in the day? Surely this would solve the problems in the simplest way?

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 09:25

All I can think of is:

a) They are actually not very good friends of yours. Sod Mumsnet all the anti wedding crap (you will get an unrealistic view on here)...we had a five year period of attending about 20 weddings of close friends (and more of not so close friends). We wouldn't have DREAMT of not going! However far away or inconvenient or expensive, we'd have found a way even if it meant one of us driving or not buying new outfits etc.

b) You may have confused them or wires got crossed about the weekend. You are trying to be as thoughtful as possible but maybe they think you are putting them under pressure to attend for the whole weekend, two nights?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/04/2015 09:26

Why do people need to get accommodation at all? I don't understand this.

MrsDumbledore · 12/04/2015 09:27

I am also confused having agreed with you before. ...no wedding is so early it is impossible to drive there that morning 45 min away. Am starting to think the problem is that you are putting too much pressure on the overnight thing, essentially uninviting them from the day part if they won't pay for accommodation! That would put me off too.

Having said that, I still think it is cheeky they have been suggesting expensive hen ideas when not even coming to the wedding!

FlabbyMummy · 12/04/2015 09:27

Are you inviting them to the whole event or just ceremony and evening?

Szeli · 12/04/2015 09:36

I got married last week 1hr30mins away from the majority of my friends nearest city.

City to city before midnight an 8 seater taxi cost £10pp and after midnight £15pp so £25pp.

If you wanted to pay that for them it's £400 and cheaper than the deposit for the accommodation they aren't keen on. No excuses then.

I would be vocal about your feelings tho especially if they say no to a taxi.

"I don't feel an expensive hen do is appropriate when everyone is too skint to come to the wedding. I'd rather have you at the part that matters."

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 09:38

We had friends drive for 3 hours, attend the whole day and drive back at midnight! We certainly never made them stay over, the option was there if they wanted it.

Szeli · 12/04/2015 09:39

*and my journey was twice the distance so you're looking at closer to £300 really depending on rates in your area

museumum · 12/04/2015 09:40

I had an all weekend weather as many friends were travelling from London to Scotland. All family on both sides including elderly all in Scotland so couldn't ask them to travel. My friends were all happy to come. And stay. With their kids who were all obviously invited. Some stayed in the venue, others nearby in b&bs.
But I did not have any form of hen night. No way. It woukd have been ridiculous to even ask!

Personally I like weekend weddings. If I'm travelling anyway then best to just have the whole weekend sorted out.

JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 09:41

What's happening in the afternoon?

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 09:42

A wedding will ALWAYS be more expensive than the hen. not always at all! We did a joint hen and stag meal out at a chinese buffet that cost £10 a head. OP yanbu, but I wouldn't stress about people who clearly can't be bothered to spend the time etc to come to your wedding. We had 'friends' texting us a few hours before the wedding ceremony apologising that they couldn't make it despite final numbers being requested a month before, my birth family decided not to turn up at all despite saying they would (barring a sister) so half the seats in our ceremony room were empty and we had extra cake. People are going to slam you for having an 'expensive' wedding no matter what you do, I was slagged off as the house wine was £10 a bottle. Just forget all the drama and concentrate on having a good time xxx

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 09:45

Forgot to add we did put drinks on for people, we have each guest a £10 drinks token as a wedding favour. Post makes no sense without that lol

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 09:46

Gave not bloody have God I can't type this morning Confused

sooperdooper · 12/04/2015 09:47

I don't understand why they have to stay the whole weekend for the wedding, they could get a minibus between them for the 45min journey there and back and it certainly wouldn't cost £80pp.

Sounds like you've put them off by insisting they stay the whole weekend which is unnecessary - let people make their own travel & Accomodation plans!

qumquat · 12/04/2015 09:48

I would be upset too, either they can afford £90 or they can't. As you've said they won't have travel expenses to speak of and you will presumably be feeding them. I've alternated the same two dresses for the past 5 weddings I've been to; you don't have to spend a fortune on new clothes/nails etc.

LegoSuperstar · 12/04/2015 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 12/04/2015 09:58

If the wedding is in the morning and there is a gap between the wedding and the evening do what are the guests expected to do? Hang around all day?

This is the reason that we had a 3pm ceremony. People weren't hanging around hungry waiting for a late lunch and we just had a buffet. We didn't have an evening do, but just stayed in the bar all evening.

qumquat · 12/04/2015 09:58

I do agree though that they could surely just come for the day if they live so close?

flowery · 12/04/2015 10:04

"We are getting married in the morning, that's why they'd have to stay two nights IF THEY CHOSE TO COME TO BOTH THE MORNING AND THE EVENING. I haven't told anyone they have to stay two nights"

But why do they have to stay any nights? Confused

AuntieStella · 12/04/2015 10:06

You said the apartment sleeps 16.

Do you mean it has 8 bedrooms? Or are couples going to have to share? And will there be people sleeping in the lounge?

Long distance taxi would be preferable to sharing with a groups which includes assorted plus-ones.

LegoSuperstar · 12/04/2015 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 10:07

Flowery we found that people who didn't stay at our venue turned up later than expected (10.30am arrival for 11am wedding, all arrived at 11 when they were meant to be seated rather than traipsing through hallways) and actually slowed us down. Maybe this bride is just covering all options.

flowery · 12/04/2015 10:09

Maybe MustBe. But I imagine telling them they have to if its just her preference may have put people's backs up (if that's what's happened).

MadameJulienBaptiste · 12/04/2015 10:10

What is happening in the afternoon?
are you nsisting on people coughing up for accommodation if they want to come to the ceremony OR only come for the evening?
so the options you're offering are:

Travel Friday to share an apartment with 15 people having organised food shopping and who is sharing with who (so plenty off faff there). Attend wedding sat morning, sit about for 6 or so hours till the evening do, stay over again.
or:
Come for evening do only and you're considering hiring a minibus.
op why on earth a morning wedding then evening do? Bizzare. are the hotel hosting some other function in the afternoon and squeezing you in either side of it?
I went to a 6pm wedding ceremony last year, why not do that.
its not about your friends budgets, the problem is you our odd timings and insistence on making people stay 2 nights if they want to do the ceremony.
an apartment with 15 others when they can just stay in their own beds and drive there and back? ? Bonkers.