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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:20

Are their dh invited ?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:21

It's £40 pppn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:21

Yep all of them that have a partner has a +1.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:22

I couldn't organise it before they'd agreed to come? Forking out £600 on a appartment and then the mini bus and being told they can't afford the appartment or to buy outfits or whatever. I discussed this with them all before booking it for this reason, they still can't come

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:24

They don't have to commit to a whole weekend. They could just come to the evening do, I've told them they don't have to come to it all.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 08:25

I understand you being miffed, I agree maybe it is that you're expecting people to stay over etc rather then just come for the wedding & reception? And I take it that unless all 16 people agree to stay in this apartment for 2 nights - and does everyone get a proper bed for that, with the privacy of not sharing a room with people they don't want to, and enough bathrooms?- then it'd be more than £80 anyway.
Cost does sound a little bit like an excuse here. There are ways around cost.
I don't understand why people not coming to the wedding would come to the hen do though, unless the reason for not being at the wedding was a prior commitment.
Is there someone who is coming to the wedding, who knows this group, that can be honest with both parties?

BeeInYourBonnet · 12/04/2015 08:26

Are they only invited to the wedding evening 'do'?

MrsDumbledore · 12/04/2015 08:26

Yanbu op. The wedding is more important than the hen. However, not sure why a wedding 45 min away needs 2 overnight stays- if I was short of money I would drive there and back on the day, wear something I already had and cut down on drinking (and of course one of us would be on soft drinks to drive anyway). I would much rather do this than miss a friends wedding due to money! Have you somehow made them think they can only come if they stay 2 nights, in which case I can understand the reluctance!

It never ceases to amaze me how people on here manage to make it sound like guests are doing a huge favour by attending a wedding -you don't HAVE to drink lots, buy a present that costs more than a few quid or wear something new (if you have been to weddings or smart occasions before) -that's your choice. Yet people on here always make such a big deal of resenting the cost. Never mind that they are usually getting one or two free meals out if it, plus entertainment etc.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 12/04/2015 08:28

There's no way I'd give up a whole weekend for a wedding 45 mins drive away. it wouldn't even occur to me to stay one night, I'd just go for the wedding and party and then go home.

Have you given them the option of doing that in 4 cars or are you pushing this weekend thing on them?
The minimum 2 night stay is not their problem and as for sharing an apartment with 15 others, just urgh.

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:28

So if partner comes that is £160 per couple. Plus food and drink spends. Plus outfits.

Do you think they're thinkibg they wouldn't want to share with all those other people?

Still it's a bit harsh if that's 16 people not attending.

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 08:30

Oh yes I forgot about the present!

I'm just playing this from my point of view. We don't have a lot of cash and a weekend away would cost us a time (near Xmas) that we just couldn't justify spending that money.

However like you say op, they could just come for the day and night then hire a bus.

yeahokthen · 12/04/2015 08:32

Is it just the evening party they'll be invited to, I didn't realise that?
If they're not invited to the whole day you can't really expect them all to come.

Cric · 12/04/2015 08:33

Are you sure they aren't coming.... Have they just said no to accommodation and maybe one of them is driving??

Aridane · 12/04/2015 08:35

Add message | Report | Message poster tumbletumble Sun 12-Apr-15 08:00:39
Yes, I would be upset too. They're basically saying they're up for a fun day out but not bothered about actually being there when you get married.

^ this

Zampa · 12/04/2015 08:40

YANBU.

I'd be miffed if my "friends" weren't coming to my wedding. A 45 minute journey is nothing and doesn't need accommodation. They could car share (or go for the minibus option) and club together for a present.

I appreciate we may not have all the details but most of us would move heaven and earth to be at a friend's wedding.

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/04/2015 08:42

If it is only 45 mins away - I'd just give them info re. taxis with their invites and wait for them to rsvp.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:43

They know they are welcome to come to the whole day or just the evening.
They know if they wanted to come to the whole day beys have to pay for two nights due to ALL accompdation insisting upon this, this is why I have offered to pay the deposit for them, saving them £600 as a group. They know that I don't expect a weddi gift, that they don't have to fork out for a new outfit etc esp if they just come to the evening.
I've tried so hard to make it as easy as possible and would happily hire a mini bus of they simply didn't have the money, but they do, because they are asking to spend at lest £130 on a hen night/spa day etc.
I think if I'm honest they just don't want to come. Id pay £80 for my friends wedding and I'm not loaded at all.
And yes it would be £160 per couple but only 2 of them have boyfriends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:46

The people they would be sharing with are all a close group of friends. They've all shared rooms for another friends hen do. They'd have a bathroom per couple.

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 08:46

I think it would not be unreasonable to insist firmly that the hen do is a simple meal out, no spa day, because you would find it hurtful for so many people to say they can't afford to come to the wedding and then spend the same amount on a hen do which is less important to you.

It's hypocritical for them to want this. And to all the previous posters who say it's not £80 because of having to buy a new outfit - that's just not true. Went to at least 8 weddings in the years when I had no money. I didn't buy a new outfit each time. I wore the nicest thing I had at the time, or picked something up at a charity shop, or borrowed from a sister. If I couldn't afford a room, I slept on someone's floor. If you care, you find a way to make it work. If you can't afford to come at all, the person getting married is not that important to you.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 08:48

fish I cometely agree.

OP posts:
ukfirestorm · 12/04/2015 08:48

Weddings are a major ball ache, but I go religiously to any where invited to whole thing, the evening only ones I assume are optional. Stag/hen dos are also must dos, as that's a part of the wedding too.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 12/04/2015 08:51

I was going to say they are BU as they could just drive there and back on the day - 45 mins away is nothing - but are you saying they can only come to the night do if they do that, but if they want to come to the whole thing they have to pay for accommodation? That's very bizarre - never heard of a wedding where you're made to pay for accommodation and not able to come and go under your own steam - 45 mins away!!

But re the hen do: just do a meal.

livsmommy · 12/04/2015 08:52

How many of them is there OP? Seems odd that it's the same situation for all of them, are they close friends? Have they straight out told you they're not coming? I wouldn't go out of my way to make things easier for them, just send the invitations and wait for them to RSVP, it's your special day and if they can't be arsed to make the effort then id question what kind of friends they really are.

ukfirestorm · 12/04/2015 08:52

Also since having kids they are mostly not invited and it means childcare or just one on us going, five weddings this year, and I reckon 200 min per bash, which makes each basically a mini break.

TyrannosaurusBex · 12/04/2015 08:54

It sounds like you're being considerate and trying to make things easy for people, which is lovely of you. Maybe a coach or minibus to get people to the wedding on the day and bring them back the same evening?

When I was in my late 20s/30s I seemed to be at a wedding every fortnight for years on end, I couldn't have spent entire weekends at them. Now I'm in my mid 40s and can't remember the last one I attended, I'd gladly make a weekend of it now!