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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
MrsSnow · 12/04/2015 20:58

You've decided what you wanted. You've planned that. Now go along with it.
I do think an 8:30am wedding is bonkers. But thats your decision.

As far as guests are concerned, would it be a friendship breaker if they didn't attend?

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 21:09

There aren't any expectations for friends to fall in line, the OP has tried to organise subsidies on rooms, minibuses and has said they can come to whichever bit they like. It's hardly regimented. Their real friends are going, the friends in question don't sound like nice friends.

This is someone's actual wedding. Disagreement is fine, but to keep on pecking about it is quite mean in my opinion.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 12/04/2015 21:10

good Lord , why can't one in 4 of them just DRIVE there and back ?

your friends are being a bit off, unless like many on here they have misunderstood along the way

CrapBag · 12/04/2015 21:15

I know you are saying no pressure for anyone to come etc etc and they only have to pay for 1 night and it can be £45 at a Travelodge in Bristol but you have to understand that for now evening reception, a lot of people just wouldn't bother with this. I would not pay to stay overnight somewhere just for an evening reception. No matter what the cost (and your £160 per couple is way too much to ask or expect) it's a big faff.

It's fine that you have chosen to have your wedding day the way you want it but you can't get annoyed that people don't want to pay to attend. The hen night is more about everyone celebrating and wanting a spa and night out. They are choosing to spend their money on this. You are choosing to spend their money on attending an evening reception.

We have been invited to a wedding 2 hours away. The kids aren't invited and we can't easily get overnight care for them so we will be leaving as the reception gets started. I refuse to try and get care and pay to stay overnight somewhere. We can afford to go away ourselves that month but we can't afford to stay somewhere else for someone else's wedding, which as much as you may not want to admit it, is not high on others priority list. That bride and groom may say we can afford to go away ourselves but not to pay to stay for their reception but how others choose to spend their money is no one else else's business.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 21:20

honeyroar have you RTFT.

The OP only offered the mini bus today and hasn't given people a chance to respond.

At the beginning of the thread she fully expected her friends to 'save up' the required £80 to stay the 2 nights.

There absolutely are expectations for friends to fall in line otherwise this thread would never have been started.

This wedding is a very self centred affair, about the B&G, which in itself is no bad thing, but you can't blame others for not wantng to participate.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 21:21

It's fine they aren't coming. But the confusion was "we aren't coming because of money" I think oh what a shame, try and find a way of making it affordable when really they just don't fancy it. Would have saved a lot of hassle just to say "to be honest, it's too much hassle and we don't think it's our thing and don't want you to waste money on people who don't really want to be there" but understanably they had problems saying this.
I only tried to find accomidation for two nights because at one point they looked into two nights and ruled it out due to cost so I thought they wanted to stay two nights. Maybe the felt pressured but I dod suggest they just came to the evening if it's all too much, they just didn't want to.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 12/04/2015 21:25

Obviously I've read it if I've noticed you going on and on!

We will have to agree to differ as you see a completely different wedding to me. I think B&G are less self centred than most. I've declined weddings in the past that were too much, but would happily do the evening of the wedding discussed here. I wouldn't get up for any 8.30 ceremony though, even my own.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 21:27

OP, they were just trying to be polite- can you really image them saying 'your wedding is a big faff and we really can't be arsed' even though it might be the truth of it.

Your plans don't suit them - they weren't designed to suit anyone other than you and your DH- so let it be and enjoy the day you have chosen.

redlolly · 12/04/2015 21:30

Hello OP! I live in Bath. Your wedding sounds absolutely fantastic. Will be so memorable!!

I can understand why you are upset. I can't see much difference between this type of wedding and people who go abroad to get married and then have a party when they get back - people often go to those 'receptions' and they are a lovely chance to celebrate with the couple even though guests have missed the ceremony for logistical reasons. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask people to drive for 45 mins for a party, esp such an important one. I would be miffed too.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I've found that the Travelodge at Waterside let me book 1 night (the last Sat in Nov) via laterooms, if that's of any use.

Have a wonderful day! Am sure you will!!

HopefulHamster · 12/04/2015 21:32

Give them more time OP. Sounds like they had too many options and got confused. Leave it a few months and offer again to do minibus there and back for the evening. Have a lovely day.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 21:33

I've declined weddings in the past that were too much, but would happily do the evening of the wedding discussed here. I wouldn't get up for any 8.30 ceremony though, even my own.

We're obviously reading 2 different threads here then honeyroar as I've repeatedly said I'm sure the friends would just attend an evening do if that's what had originally been on offer.

Even you couldn't be arsed with an 8.30am wedding so why would anyone else.

The evening do alone has only become an option today- well after the invites have gone out and people have made their decisions and the bride hasn't given the poor buggers a chance to respond yet.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 21:34

I think you're being very unfair, honeyroar and rude actually. If you have an opinion, why can't anybody else have one?

The bride and groom are totally focused on their wedding day and didn't want guests to the ceremony at first (if you RTFT you now that) - now the guests are being 'slotted in' and OP is doing her best to accommodate them. It's difficult because it's after the fact. She said in her OP that she wanted her friends at the ceremony.

Everybody should have the wedding day they want and just communicate what that is to their guests in advance. OP has time on her side to sort that out still.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 21:49

These "friends" even want the hen do changing for them.

I'm not saying people shouldn't give their opinion, just don't understand why they have to go on and on trying to negate everything. Anyway I shall back out now. I think I've said enough and there's no point continuing.

I'm probably unusual in that I'm delighted to miss daytime receptions and just go to the evening. I like seeing the wedding party and celebrating. I'm quite bored by vows and speeches etc.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 21:51

And if someone thinks I'm being unfair/rude I take it onboard.

Calloh · 12/04/2015 21:57

Bear and Lying I may be wrong but I thought originally the friends were offered just the evening as no one else was really going to the morning but they wanted to be involved in the daytime as they said the travel for just an evening was too much - hence the two night thing.

FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 22:01

Willow I'm on both threads and I believe the prevailing views are consistent with one another: In both cases the couple getting married have every right to arrange their wedding day any way they like. They don't have the right to require people to attend if it doesn't work for them.

The OP on the other thread is being unreasonable because she is expecting the bride to change her wedding day to make it more convenient for guests. The OP on this thread was being unreasonable because she's choosing a wedding day that is inconvenient for guests (as is her right, that I fully support) but wasn't accepting no for an answer. She's now made it clear that she's considering the issue resolved and those who are coming can do so on their own terms so isn't being particularly unreasonable any more.

I wish both brides a splendid wedding day and a long and happy marriage.

Pancakeflipper · 12/04/2015 22:03

So those who want to see your actual wedding ceremony are going.
Those who want to come along to the party later are coming.
Those who don't - aren't going.

You don't know the real reason. They don't owe you a reason. It's an invite and they have declined for whatever reason.

And don't think about it anymore. Use your brain space to think about your dress etc.. Don't try to accommodate them anymore with looking at other hotel and travel options (45mins is nothing - loads of people do that commuting to work each day).

Get back to planning your day with those whom are giddy and looking forward to it. It won't be a shit wedding and I think most people who go to weddings go for a lovely time and enjoy themselves if being served a hotdog or a silver service meal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 22:10

Calloh, I've tried just to follow the OP's posts as this thread is very confusing.

Last line of the OP says that Chunk would rather have them at her wedding then at a spa, which friends would rather attend due to cost. Friends weren't fussed about the wedding itself but when they went on about the hen do, Chunk felt aggrieved that they'd pay for that but not the hotel that would enable them to be at the wedding (which OP wanted them to attend).

Chunk did say then that they could just come to the evening and she wouldn't mind - but they're still going on about the spa day. I can understand her disappointment, I really can.

I think she should just concentrate on what she wants to do, it's her special day.

We need a forensic analyst on this thread, I think, it's very convoluted.

CindyEcstacy · 12/04/2015 22:27

lol @ chunk

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 22:35

Cindy love your username, are you a Soft Cell fan by any chance?

ramanoop · 12/04/2015 22:40

If they are close friends, just pay for them. It's more important to have those who are closest to you at your wedding than the latest and greatest cake or dress or flowers.

If they aren't close friends, just let it go.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 23:28

YANBU to be upset that these people apparently can't afford to come to your wedding, but can afford a spa day.

If you don't want a spa day, don't have one. Certainly don't feel pressured into having one by a bunch of people who can't even be bothered to come to even the evening party of your wedding day celebrations.

I love Bath. It sounds like a lovely wedding plan.

nocoolnamesleft · 13/04/2015 03:25

I do wonder, however, if part of the problem is that they're totally confused. If the OP would still like them to attend, it might be worth leaving it a little cooling off period, then having one (clear, written) attempt at explaining the options...

Having said that, I would personally put myself out to attend a wedding, but not tend to for an evening party - I hate the damned things. A nice spa day would be much more tempting. I love Xmas markets, but not in wedding glad rags...any scope for having people without a room have somewhere to change?

Ginmartini · 13/04/2015 06:59

This is one thread where you really have to RTFT or it's a) extremely unfair to the OP and b) bloody boring going round and round in circles!

We were all up in arms and Shock when OP revealed it was an 8.30am wedding, many pages back.

But then she explained she had booked it just for her and dp and parents as she never wanted any other guests at the ceremony - she wasn't inviting anyone else.

But people got offended and asked to come to the ceremony. She (foolishly) backed down and therefore it created huge problems as dozens of guests were now attending an early morning ceremony and an evening party with nothing in between. So understandably now don't want to go - I wouldn't either.

Her mistake was to back down in the first place and to not be clear enough in subsequent communications to the guests (won't go into all the hen night/transport/hotel/evening party stuff again!!) which has led to this sorry situation.

So people piling in with 'how dare she expect/demand her guests go to a 8.30am wedding' are ENTIRELY WRONG. And the 'my way, my day' debate is actually pretty redundant as that is not what she's been saying!

Bunbaker · 13/04/2015 07:37

I don't understand why some mumsnetters would be offended at just being invited to an evening do. Are these the professionally offended or do they have an overinflated sense of entitlement?

Weddings are expensive affairs, and it makes sense to keep the numbers down for the most expensive part.

I have been to a few evening dos and was very pleased to have been invited.

OP, I'm sorry that you have some flakey "friends"

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