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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
BlueBananas · 12/04/2015 11:13

OP can you not see that that is a shit day for your guests though?
If that's what you and your fiancée want and that's all that matters to you then do it, but you can't bitch about people not wanting to come to that awfully timed day

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 11:14

I'd cancel the hen and see if they still won't come to the wedding but having seen your timings that's the reason no one is coming. How ridiculous to offer sunrise weddings and nothing until the evening. Do they kick out the public at 6.55pm? All other venues cope with public and weddings, though ime not very successfully.

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 11:14

Each to their own but if I'm going to a wedding full thing - wedding ceremony, meal and reception then that's what I go for - don't get this getting married really early so people then can "do what they want" type thing...what else is there to do apart from behind at the wedding, I wouldn't want to go off and do anything else. It's maube that your friends don't fancy really and I can't say I blame them.

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 11:15

I've told them that if they'd like to come it's far easier to stay the night before, reasonable?

No, not reasonable. It's not your call to make. If they want to be there at 8:30am (ridiculous time, btw!), then they can get up early enough for it. Don't be surprised though if people only come to one or the other event.

What do you think they are going to do for the ten hours in between?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:15

I've explained why it's so early.
My god...thanks mumsnetters..seem to have COMPLETELY forgotten I've told them ALL jn fact EVERYONE who's invited to te ceremony that there is NO PRESSUE to come and everyone's more than welcome to just come to the evening reception.
We've done it like this for a reason.

OP posts:
annielouisa · 12/04/2015 11:16

Why is your wedding organised in such an odd fashion? I think the weird logistics are the reason so many people have cried off. I know you are upset but you have made it particularly difficult for people to attend. Can't people rock up at 8.30am see you married and then come back later as a 45 minute drive is not that much.

Weddings are pricy for guests and having to hang about all day will end up with people spending more money on meals ect if the evening do is not until 7pm.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:16

Jheeeeeeeeeeez :'(

OP posts:
Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 11:17

It doesn't matter why you've done it OP or why you think it's reasonable or a good idea - it isn't.

People will not want to go to an 8.30am wedding ceremony!

Please consider trying to change it.

I am not saying this to be mean or trash your wedding choice, I'm saying it to try and save the bloody day for you!

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:17

Thanks everyone. Don't think I'm going to get much help here. hides thread feeling like shit

OP posts:
BlueBananas · 12/04/2015 11:18

So, are you not feeding any of your guests either? They have to find their own food during this mammoth gap in proceedings?

Spickle · 12/04/2015 11:19

In this case, I think I would have had the reception at 10am/11am for a "posh" champagne breakfast then everyone can go home afterwards or go down the pub - there was also a thread on here about an "afternoon tea" reception which also sounded lovely, but unreasonable to expect people to hang around all day.

elizaCBR · 12/04/2015 11:19

8:30am? Are you serious?

If that's not a typo, you've made a terrible decision to hold a ceremony at 8:30am and to expect your guests to entertain themselves until an evening reception at 7pm. What on earth made you think people would want to:
a) get up early enough to get ready for an 8:30am ceremony
b) kill almost 10 hours in a different area and while dressed for a wedding?

I get that a wedding is mostly focussed on the bride and groom, but that gives you two choices. Either you consider the needs and comfort of your guests in planning the day, or you pick whatever suits you but then you shouldn't be surprised if your guests aren't interested.

Given the choice of paying £160 per couple per night to share an apartment with loads of other people and to spent almost an entire day away from home doing nothing, or celebrating with you at a relaxing spa day for £90, I know which one I'd pick...

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 11:19

I wouldn't go to an evening reception invitation only either. Not good enough to see us married, but good enough to buy a present. No thanks, I'm not interested in being on the B list. Thank god that madness hasn't reached our shores yet.

trixymalixy · 12/04/2015 11:20

So there's no pressure to come to the ceremony, but you're upset because people aren't coming? Hmm

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 11:20

No-ones saying its bonkers to make you feel like shit OP - but it really is bonkers. It's far too long a gap. And saying "so you can do what you want all day" just makes it sound even more bizarre - it's your wedding day - wouldn't you want to spend it with the guests that are invited and want to come? Plenty time for alone time later Confused. But if that's what you want...well it's your wedding, but surely you can't be upset that your friends don't want to come!

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 11:21

OP, why don't you make the early morning ceremony you and your husband and 2 witnesses only. Then you can have your day quietly together, then have a big party at night with everyone invited? Much easier for all concerned, and no one has to hang around for ten hours.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 11:22

OP don't leave the thread.

As hard as this is to hear you really must listen to these responses!

Did you ask people's opinions on the early start before booking the wedding? What were the responses?

For a huge majority of people these timings would kill the wedding enjoyment and result in them deciding not to go at all.

It means guests have to get up 5am/6am, put on all their wedding clobber, then hover about in their finery for 10 hours without anything laid on for them.

People want plenty of time to get ready without having to get up at clocks, then spend a relaxed afternoon at the wedding being fed and watered (not necessarily expensively) and enjoy the reception.

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 11:23

So what you really wanted was sympathy that your friends didn't want to come to your wedding not people telling you the reason why it sounds like they don't want to come.

LegoSuperstar · 12/04/2015 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 11:26

Why can't you have "alone" time after the wedding? You seriously can't expect your guests to pay for two days accommodation, their own food and drink and only provide them with any sort of entertainment one night out of the whole weekend. Thats a very costly event for the guests whilst your own will be minimal as you are not feeding them.

Like Midnite, I'd not be going to an evening only do for the exact same reasons.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:27

midnight I was meant to be just me and my dh getting married ON OUR OWN. But people kicked off all hell!! We went for a sunrise wetting instead of a sunset to totally separate our ceremony and reception so we could get married and spend the day together! People insisted on coming to the ceremony so we let them and we invited some friends too! The 10 hour gap was meant to be for me a dp!!!
I'm nkt hurt that people won't come to the ceremony, But it'd be nice f they celebrated with me at the reception.

OP posts:
MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 11:31

OP I love the idea of that! If people don't want to come fair enough, but it is yours and dp's day and people should respect what you two want rather than whinging on about times/gaps and just decide what they want to turn up to.
Midnite not everyone can afford to have the full list of people at the ceremony, so I find it quite sad you feel like that.

SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 11:31

For an 8.30 wedding where a guest didn't want to stay the previous night but was prepared to do the 45 min drive, they would have to leave home at 7.15am latest to ensure they were there in good time.

So, in order to be 'wedding ready', they'd get up at, what 5.30am. On a Saturday.

They'd then have from 9.30-10.00am till 7pm to do... What? Lunch? That's one loooooong pissed up lunch OP...

Out of interest, What are you expecting them to do during that time if they do want to attend both? Are you thinking that those local / not staying will go home and then come back later? What scenarios have run through your brain?

Personally, I'd want a long lie down after getting up that early on a Satuday!

CindyEcstacy · 12/04/2015 11:31

Christ. An 8.30 wedding? That's a whole new level of hell. No wonder no one wants to come.

Have you made it awkward for them to say they just want to come to the evening? Because I don't understand why they don't just do that. And they must all be in cahoots to have ^all^ said the same thing

annielouisa · 12/04/2015 11:32

Sorry this is so difficult for you OP. Maybe people could understand a bit more if they understood the rationale for the planning of a wedding like this? If it keeps the cost down can't you see your guests are being expected to suck up the costs.

Recently my DD3 got married and one of her great joys was sharing her day with family and friends. I would imagine friends may have wanted to see you get married but the having to amuse themselves for a whole day until the evening function is offputting.

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