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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
Spickle · 12/04/2015 10:13

I am getting married in a church 45 minutes away from home and staying in a hotel for 2 nights. We have invited lots of guests, some of whom will also be staying in the hotel, others will travel on the day or stay for 1 night or have organised a mini bus. Basically, I have left it to everyone to make their own arrangements and it's not easy for some as the venue/reception are in a very busy place and not particularly easy for the less mobile. We booked rooms for the actual wedding party but not anyone else. The best advice we have had (as I have been stressing about my mum and the oldies getting there) is that "the people who want to be there will be there for you, no matter what" and I have told myself this over and over again. My BIL has now decided not to come as he thinks my wedding is disrespectful to the memory of his brother (to whom I was married until his death 6.5 years ago), so again I have just accepted his excuse by telling myself that he would have come if he wanted to, but clearly he doesn't.

LaPomme · 12/04/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseandwinegirl · 12/04/2015 10:27

OP if they don't want to come then that's their issue. If they were good friends they would either do whatever they can to be there or be honest with you in regards to why the weekend and staying two nights might be an issue. Which it really might.

You do need to tell us what time your ceremony is, I'm completely confuzzled why guests can't just arrive in time for the ceremony, why does it have to be either stay all weekend or one evening?

As for the spa day well maybe they actually want to spend a relaxing day with you and feel like the wedding will be anything but?

Either way something about all this just doesn't add up!!!

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 10:38

It is all rather confusing.
The wedding is a short drive away - so why do they have to stay over at all?
If you are getting married in the morning, and having an evening reception, what happens in-between? Most people are happy to attend a 3pm wedding, meal and then reception, leaving around midnight, but this sounds like rather a marathon for your guests.

A weekend commitment for a wedding is a lot to ask of people - who probably have other commitments they need to do at the weekends or maybe just don't want to spend their whole weekend with others rather than relaxing at home/doing the shopping/catching up with the washing - all those things you don't have time for during the week. Plus their is the financial side

A hen night is not part of any wedding. it is a separate and totally non-obligatory thing. Don't have a spa day if you want a meal instead.

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 10:43

Is there not a cheaply travelodge nearby? Not everyone stayed at our venue but found themselves cheaper accomodation nearish and got a taxi.

And I want to know what's happening between morning wedding and evening too! It's a long day.

JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 10:51

I imagine the ceremony is in the morning eg 11am and everyone is invited to this bit. Then a meal for close family/friends and the rest of the guests return for the evening party.

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 10:58

I'd not pay for a weekend away when the venue is a 45 minute drive. Even if the ceremony is in the morning surely they just drive to it then, the same as they would drive to work early?

It's a huge ask of guests even if you pay the deposit. Weddings shouldnt cost people much to attend.

derxa · 12/04/2015 10:59

People on MN seem to hate weddings so I wouldn't listen to a lot of it. You seem to be begging a crowd of bitches to come to your wedding. Carry on with your arrangements for a hen night and the wedding. If these people don't want to join in then you know where you stand. Have a lovely day.

WellYesOfCourseYouAre · 12/04/2015 10:59

Why do they have to stay at all? I don't get it. If the wedding is 45 minutes drive why can't they just drive up the morning of the wedding, go to wedding and just drive home? Confused

engeika · 12/04/2015 11:00

Sorry OP I think YANBU.

I feel for you a bit and tbh if I were you I'd be thinking twice about my friends.

I get the the money/whole weekend question but real friends would want to make your day special - ie go to your wedding. If it is only 45 mins away a whole weekend is not necessary and no-one needs to buy a whole new outfit/hair/nails etc.

It seems to me that they want a spa day/meal/night out as that suits them - but not to really make the day special for you.

In a few years after you have married, maybe moved away, had DCs, whatever, these people will not be your friends. Can you see them making the effort to visit when it is no longer easy or fun??

I'd tone down the hen do and the wedding and not waste money on people who don't really see you as special.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:01

Oh my. Left my phone for a couple of hours and chaos.
Totally overwhelmed.
We are having a 8.30 am ceremony, the idea is that people then have the day to do as they wish, we are getting married with less people than that are at the reception.
I've told them that if they'd like to come it's far easier to stay the night before, reasonable? Then the evening reception is at 7.
I haven't forced anyone to do anything. My friend looked at a premiere inn and its was £300 for that weekend. She told me she couldn't come and everyone else was worrying.
I then found apparentmrnts that could sleep them all for £80pppn.
Nobody has responded and seems very unbothered about coming which is fine if they just don't hasve the money but they are asking to spend more on my hen night which is odd for people who have no money.
I can't answer all these posts I'm sorry, there's a lot.

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 11:06

That gap is way too long, you surely don't expect people to come for a wedding at 8.30am then have to amuse themselves in wedding attire until the evening? Specifying they have to stay for the weekend to see you actually get married is bonkers. I'd drive that early for a good friend but would go home after and not wait around for eight plus hours for the next part.

It's little wonder they would prefer a nice hen do.

BlueBananas · 12/04/2015 11:06

8:30am (!?!) then nothing all day till 7pm?!
That is absolutely bizarre and is precisely the reason nobodies coming
When you say "they can do what they want all day" what exactly do you expect them to do? Go home, get changed do the shopping clean the house then get ready again and come to the reception?? Why would people do that?!
If I'm going to a wedding that's what I'm doing that day, I expect ceremony, photos, food, party then home to bed
If you want guests I suggest you sort out those crazy timings

flowery · 12/04/2015 11:06

YABVU for having an 8.30 ceremony thereby effectively forcing people to get up really really early or fork out for accommodation.

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 11:06

I'm not sure I'd be bothered with that to be honest. What are you expecting people to do all day? Dress up for the wedding and then hang around for 10 hours? I can imagine it's more to do with your timings than anything. In that case I would just come to the evening rather than pay for two nights in a hotel. Especially if I only lived 45 minutes away.

CapnMurica · 12/04/2015 11:07

8.30am ceremony! Blimey. You are a bit mad booking it for that time. I'm sorry to say I expect some people don't want to come because they will have to be getting up earlier than a work day, travel to a wedding which will last about an hour (I guess?).

I wouldn't say no to that, but I would grumble. I work full time and don't enjoy getting up in the morning. I was up at 6 starting to get ready for my own wedding and our ceremony was at 1pm!

Incidentally, I have said no to a hen do but yes to a wedding, which I think is the way round it should be.

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 11:07

If I go to a wedding I expect food and a party! Not a ten hour gap.

HoppityVoosh · 12/04/2015 11:08

Wow. Why on earth are you having the ceremony at 8.30? No wonder no one wants to come.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:09
Sad We've decided on an early wedding because the place we are getting married only offers weddings called "sunrise weddings" at 8.30am because by 9.30 the venue is open to the public, it's not just a weddings venue! We have difficult dynamics with family and waned to keep out ceremony and reception as separate as possible to avoid having EVERYONE at our ceremony. It's so me and dh can have US time during te day and the guests can relax and enjoy the festive celebrations going on that weekend, recharge and have there time with their own family before coming to the reception. It's sad that some people see that as strange but it's what we wanted; that's all...
OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 11:11

That's bonkers! What on earth was going through your head when you booked this? Why would you want the stress of having to be ready at that time, never mind the guests

HoppityVoosh · 12/04/2015 11:11

Okay, I'm glad you've explained why it's early but surely you can see why that isn't easy for guests?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:11

Only close family and friends are coming to our reception. bow just feel like shit about the weddings and nothing I can do about it. Wow.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 12/04/2015 11:13

WTF?!?! 8.30 am ceremony?!?! Why on earth is it so early. I wouldn't want to go tbh.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:13

My family are more than happy to come. And everyone else is invited to the evening only. Apart from our close friends. Dps friends are all more than happy to attend and have booked accompdation together and then spending the day together before the ceremony.

OP posts:
Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 11:13

OP I am so sorry to say this but an 8.30 wedding is totally unreasonable and is not thinking about guests!

I know you didn't meant to drip feed but this is why people aren't coming!

I would go if it was a really close friend but I wouldn't want to.

Can you change it? If you can do it.