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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
ukfirestorm · 12/04/2015 08:54

Perhaps the dates don't work for everyone but they want to be involved somehow, they'd probably spend more time with you on a hen then at the wedding anyway.

SanityClause · 12/04/2015 08:54

So, the wedding is 45 mins away, but they can't come unless they stay overnight? For two nights?

If there's a few of them, they could easily share a couple of biggish taxis and it would be fairly cheap. Buying a new outfit, etc, is unnecessary, and their own choice.

FWIW, I do think it's rude to say no to a wedding on the basis of cost, but then want to go to an expensive spa day hen do.

But I don't really understand why they can't do both the wedding and the spa day. Particularly as you have made it clear you are not concerned about presents.

wheresmyAga · 12/04/2015 08:57

Haven't RTFT and this may be slightly off the point (am referencing a comment made by an earlier poster) but I don't understand why anyone needs to get their nails and hair done and buy a new outfit for someone else's wedding. Confused

Surely the point is to be there, not what you look like?

Umbrelladilemma · 12/04/2015 08:58

Agree that they are being quite mean and shallow really - valuing their own enjoyment of a spa day over attending your actual wedding. I wouldn't invite them to the Hen do, just be honest and say that as their finances are limited you'd prefer them to use them for the wedding itself. If they are good friends they should understand.

But I'm still not clear about the 2 nights accommodation requirement - are you now saying it is not possible for guests to attend the ceremony and meal unless they stay for 2 nights?? Surely they could share taxis and just travel there and back on the Saturday?

TheMustard · 12/04/2015 08:58

So they can't come to the actual wedding ceremony unless they are an overnight guest... What? But if they just want to rock up after a 45min drive, then drive back at the end of the night, they can only come to the evening reception... What??

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, v confused, but this is the message I have taken!

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 09:00

Surely if they want to come for the whole day they don't have to stay over? Or have I misunderstood that bit.

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/04/2015 09:01

I just don't understand what is going on here. You send a wedding invite with details of accommodation/taxis etc.

You then wait for people to rsvp.

Have you actually sent the invites yet as it is still quite a way off?

BackOnPlanetEarth · 12/04/2015 09:02

How old are your friends? It does seem a bit Confused that they won't come to the wedding. A 45 min drive is nothing. Are they close friends?

I get not wanting to give up a weekend or stay in a rental though.

I've recently been invited to a 50th by someone who I like but who I don't see outside of work. We have never even been for a coffee together. I am happily going but I quietly wondered if I was invited to make up the numbers. Do you think you friends might be thinking the same.

Mostlyjustaluker · 12/04/2015 09:02

I am a bit confused by your post. I do think as the weddding host you have a duty to make it accessable to your guests.

Are you saying they have to give up two night essential three day over christmas time to go to your wedding? Why can't they just go for the day?That is a lot of time when they won't be able to see family and possibly not see extended family. Are children invited if not and people have children I can see many people being able or wanting to not see their children for three days.f you expect them to go for three days that is going to be very expensive in terms of accommodation costs (I would not share with 14 other people) and food costs before they even think about outfits, gifts ect.

I think becuase they are unable to attend wedding they maybe trying to make it up to you with the hen thing.

CindyEcstacy · 12/04/2015 09:05

Why is it compulsory to stay over? Why can't they just come for the day?

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 09:08

Yes so the way I'm reading it is they either come to the evening do as it's only 45 minutes away or they come for the whole day and have to stay the entire weekend? Why can't they come to the whole day and just travel and not stay over?

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 09:09

I think you might be micro-managing this a bit too much. Send the invitation and don't worry about mini-buses or accommodation. It's sounding a bit too much like an "event" rather than a wedding. I'd freak out if I got an invitation telling me I needed to stay for two nights, share a room with 16 people and spend a whole weekend away. It wouldn't even be about cost, but that just doesn't seem like fun to me. But a 45 minute away wedding is no big deal and can be done on the day. Many people travel 45 minutes or more to work everyday. Leave it up to your guests to decide how they want to travel and whether they want to make a weekend out of it or not. You're job is to organise your wedding, the logistics of how they get there are their own problems.

HoppityVoosh · 12/04/2015 09:10

YABU.

I think the usual thing to do when you're having a wedding 30mins+ away from most of the guests live is it put on a coach or minibus for them from the nearest town/city centre or somewhere they can easily all get the bus. So bus in the morning for day guests, bus in the evening for evening guests and one home for them all at 12am.

I don't believe you for a second that the venue insists on two night stay for day guests. 45 mins travel is nothing.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 09:11

We are getting married in the morning, that's why they'd have to stay two nights IF THEY CHOSE TO COME TO BOTH THE MORNING AND THE EVENING. I haven't told anyone they have to stay two nights, they are more than welcome to come to the evening and drive home? They are more than welcome to stay in the neighbouring town and stay 1 night. I haven't forced people to stay a weekend away

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 09:12

It doesn't matter if you believe it! It's true! Because the fair is on all hotels have a minimum 2 night stay, the venue has no accompdation. Where did you that idea from?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 12/04/2015 09:13

I still don't see why they have to stay at all - I'd just drive over in the morning. I feel I am missing something here.

TheMustard · 12/04/2015 09:13

So why can't they just drive up in the morning then? Do the day and then go home again. Why the need to stay on the Friday? Unless you're getting married at like 7am.

HoppityVoosh · 12/04/2015 09:14

What time are you getting married? 11am? They could still travel then.

If it's any earlier than that then YADBU to get married so early that it's difficult for your guests.

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 09:14

Why do they have to stay if they come to both morning and evening? I regularly get up in the early hours of the morning and travel 1-3 hours drive for a sport I compete in, then compete all day and often in to the evening, getting home late in the night. It's no big deal really.

ItsADinosaur · 12/04/2015 09:15

I feel like I'm missing something too. Even if you're getting married in the morning why can't they drive up early and stay the whole day then drive home again after the evening do? If you're going to to put conditions on it then yabu.

HoppityVoosh · 12/04/2015 09:17

Sorry. I thought the venue was also the accommodation. Like a hotel wedding, but of course you mentioned an apartment.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 12/04/2015 09:17

But why can't they drive there and back?

I don't understand?

icelollycraving · 12/04/2015 09:21

Is there nothing between the ceremony & the evening?

whatatit · 12/04/2015 09:21

So, they could drive 45mins in the morning of wedding, attend wedding and reception and then drive home after or, could go in a minibus in morning and get dropped home after reception.

I can't see this would be a major expense (and I'm skint a lot of the time).

Think your 'mates 'are either being tight, don't fully understand that they don't have to stay or just can't be arsed.
If it's the first or latter I'd re-think the term mates

CornChips · 12/04/2015 09:24

I am fence sitting on this one, but to go to a weekend wedding for me would involve.....

accommodation for DH and I - £160.00
kennels and cattery for 2 dogs and 2 cats at £6 per day for cats and £7.50 per day for dogs..... £ 36.00 cats, £45 dogs, = £81.00 (our kennels don't allow Sunday pickups so it would be Saturday- Monday.
Food and drinks- whatever it is.

New outfits- no, would have current stuff

arrangements for 4 year old DS - No idea. We have no family around, so would have to take him and share the baby sitting in the hotel room

Pain in the arse factor - quite high to be honest. If you were a close friend I would do it, but it would create quite a trouble for us and I know I would stress about it for weeks. A few weeks before Christmas... it would make it difficult too.