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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have Walked Out

400 replies

queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:23

My mum is truly doing my head in. She's managing to drum up arguments left, right, and centre with both me and my DS(13) I've got to the point where I'm limiting the time DS and DM spend together to less than 30mins at a time - they're as stroppy as each other and wind each other up - but I still go round every night after work for a brew. She's 67, disabled (can still get out and goes out every Saturday night to the local for company), but doesn't really do much socialising during the day.

Aaaaaanyways, she's just becoming more and more argumentative. Yesterday we rowed about politics, royal mail, the SNP, Scotland, her tv guide.
Today it was about employment law and the fact she thinks it's a shame employers can't hire who they want but instead have laws they have to cow-tow to. This was all sparked from her asking if Asians owned my opticians as the place was "flooded" with them. I work for an employment law company and started telling her about (quite sodding obvious) laws in place to stop discrimination happening. Queue massive row where I don't allow her to have her own opinion and it culminated in her accusing me of calling her a racist pig, and me telling her she IS racist. She is - not 15mins before she told me she was nearly sick when the Asian optician was checking her eyes as he was in her face. (note: I'm sorry. It's what she said)

She decided then she was offended that I think she's racist, and offended that I could say that to her in the manner I did. And I just said I was leaving and walked out.

I can't hack listening to her. I can't hack the rows. I can't hack the expectation of me sitting there listening to her spout bullshit because it's her opinion, even if I find it offensive. I end up openly questioning what she's saying and - I'll be honest - telling her she's talking crap.

I'm hugely sad I've walked out but AIBU to have done so?

OP posts:
M00nUnit · 08/04/2015 20:27

Any reasonable person would walk out rather than have to carry on listening to blatant racism like that. I don't blame you at all.

straighttothepoint · 08/04/2015 20:29

Why do you go round every night?

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:32

Habit, really.

Make sure she's ok, give her someone to talk to. She had a stroke and nearly died about 3 years ago. She's also next door so it's easy to bob round for a brew.

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 08/04/2015 20:32

YANBU.

Those kinds of attitudes really get me cross and I would challenge them too, even with a family member.

Get her in touch with Age Connect or The Red Cross for some befriending and socialisation and visit her a bit less frequently.

mommy2ash · 08/04/2015 20:37

i dunno, how old is your mum? my nan is 80 and says some really daft things but we just ignore her. she isn't going to change her ways now and she is harmless really she just doesn't understand what is acceptable these days.

now if she said something to offend someone to their face i would say something to her.

glittertits · 08/04/2015 20:40

I have to do this too with my grandma. I can't tolerate the racism.

I have to treat her like a toddler and ignore. She is slowly getting that, in order to have me around, she needs not spew such hatred.

Chillyegg · 08/04/2015 20:44

Yanbu to of walked out. Is there anything locally she can go to? Even if its one week night so you both have a bit of space?

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:45

She's 67 and I know she's never going to change, but I just can't cope being ranted at, and listening to it.

I've just seen my arse, really.

And I'm puddled by the fact she thinks it's ok to say this crap, but the minute I pull her for it she's all offended. She's been called racist before but has never taken this much umbrage.

She's not been well recently and I'm wondering if it's that that's making her worse.

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 08/04/2015 20:47

At first I thought she sounded really frustrated but as I read on I realised she has really racist views.

Limit the time your DS spends with Her

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 20:51

If its any consolation the thought of growing old (Im 52) is awful. She's probably a very frightened lady at the moment due to being ill and knowing this will happen again and again now. The world has changed so much for her. Give her grace. Make your visits short and change the subject if she starts a rant. She's your mum.

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:53

I've had to Joyfull

They had a massive row where he shouted at her, she told him he was acting like a dickhead, he told her he didn't respect her, and she threatened to break his mobile.

They've not spent more than 30mins together whilst awake (occasionally he sleeps over, but he spends time at our house, then goes to hers to sleep, gets up in the morning, eats breakfast and leaves)

She was genuinely hardwork when I was growing up, but we've had a better relationship once I reached my 30s. Just not at the minute. She's getting worse. She's smoking a lot more and also listening less.

I think I'm extra worried in case she has another stroke.

OP posts:
Millie3030 · 08/04/2015 20:55

My mum was the same racist, slightly homophobic, and generally so opinionated about everything, religion, homelessness etc it was a minefield of not trying to get into a row. My advice is just keep things as light as possible, weather, tv and things like that, ignore the ridiculous things she says and warn your DS to do the same as grandma is a bit argumentative but she won't be around forever.

Continue to see her if you enjoy it, maybe cut down to a few times a week if not, but she won't be here forever. I lost my mum in December and she was a royal pain in the arse, but she is still your mum and one day you won't be able to argue about these things. So weirdly enjoy it while it lasts!

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 21:02

I know :(

I've got a doctors appt tomorrow which I'll text her about once I'm out, just like nothing's happened. Keep it light.

I'm not apologising though. She's wrong but she's not going to be here forever.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 08/04/2015 21:07

Yes Millie - same here. My mum used to look out of her window all day in the hope of seeing a black person walking down her road. Then she'd start. Not being viciously nasty or anything but to my way of thinking why even bloody mention it? I think she just liked the fight tbh. Anyway. She died in January and I miss her a lot. We all do. It was that generation I think. Very sad.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 21:10

You all have to realise there has been a lot of change in the country for them over the last few decades. I don't think its intentional "racism" it just wasnt so then.

waithorse · 08/04/2015 21:13

YANBU. Horrible racist views. I wouldn't blame it on her generation though. My dparents and pil are only slightly younger and don't hold such views. However, she probably lives for these arguments, if she has nobody else to talk to all day. You can't avoid her, as she lives next door. Best you can do is ignore her and not engage. Very difficult though.

Janethegirl · 08/04/2015 21:17

My dmil told my dd to wash the grapes before she ate them as they had been picked by a n**r! Wtf ! Dd had never heard the term and I just said grandma is getting old, so just humour her and wash the grapes.
At home she would eat grapes straight from the fruit bowl (not cutting them in half in these days).

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 21:20

I do wish people would stop banging on about an older generation being slightly homophobic and calling them blatant racists! Can you not hear yourselves? The woman is nearly 70, she's seen so much change to her cultural beliefs and you are the horrible person here.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 21:30

Can you not understand how much this country has changed in the last 30 years? Can you not understand that is scary for the older generation? can you not understand that there are very many myths that surround all this? can you not understand that this was not the case then? For god sake, give grace here. I find you to be totally intolerant and rather nasty.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 08/04/2015 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZestyDragon · 08/04/2015 21:42

My grandmother is 90 next month and manages to not be racist or homophobic. Its an insult to older people to assume that they will be bigots because of their age.

Mintyy · 08/04/2015 21:43

Dh and I gave up the chance to inherit an entire house from an elderly but horrifically racist distant relative of his. We just couldn't stand to be in the same room as her and so allowed the connection to discontinue. She would quiz us on how we could bear to live in London "with all the blacks". I loathed her.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 21:43

67 is rather old actually and things did drastically change (Im between the twix and twain at 52) I think you need to use the word "racist" less here to be honest. Change is very scary and its very natural to balk against it. I'd like to see what would happen if thousands of English went to Poland for instance or any other country. The same would happen I am sure. Give grace, its new and it will calm down. Shouting Racist does not help.

iwantgin · 08/04/2015 21:46

YWNBU to have walked out OP.

67 is not 'old' in this respect. She is a similar age to my DM - who does sometimes spout some iffy viewpoints. She knows not to do so in front of me, and DSis as we will just tell her straight.

iwantgin · 08/04/2015 21:47

DPIL are in their 80s - and grew up in the same vicinity as my DM. They do not have one racist/xenophobic bone in their body. I have never heard anything remotely dodgy come from their lips.