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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have Walked Out

400 replies

queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:23

My mum is truly doing my head in. She's managing to drum up arguments left, right, and centre with both me and my DS(13) I've got to the point where I'm limiting the time DS and DM spend together to less than 30mins at a time - they're as stroppy as each other and wind each other up - but I still go round every night after work for a brew. She's 67, disabled (can still get out and goes out every Saturday night to the local for company), but doesn't really do much socialising during the day.

Aaaaaanyways, she's just becoming more and more argumentative. Yesterday we rowed about politics, royal mail, the SNP, Scotland, her tv guide.
Today it was about employment law and the fact she thinks it's a shame employers can't hire who they want but instead have laws they have to cow-tow to. This was all sparked from her asking if Asians owned my opticians as the place was "flooded" with them. I work for an employment law company and started telling her about (quite sodding obvious) laws in place to stop discrimination happening. Queue massive row where I don't allow her to have her own opinion and it culminated in her accusing me of calling her a racist pig, and me telling her she IS racist. She is - not 15mins before she told me she was nearly sick when the Asian optician was checking her eyes as he was in her face. (note: I'm sorry. It's what she said)

She decided then she was offended that I think she's racist, and offended that I could say that to her in the manner I did. And I just said I was leaving and walked out.

I can't hack listening to her. I can't hack the rows. I can't hack the expectation of me sitting there listening to her spout bullshit because it's her opinion, even if I find it offensive. I end up openly questioning what she's saying and - I'll be honest - telling her she's talking crap.

I'm hugely sad I've walked out but AIBU to have done so?

OP posts:
glittertits · 08/04/2015 22:59

It takes time.

There is no time like the present to learn. In the case of the OP's mother, why shouldn't she be taught now?

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:01

you cannot teach by anger, you cannot teach by telling people they are biggots, racists or indeed ignorant. That incites.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:03

I need a well earned rest here from this thread, its exhausting Grin

Going to look for something lighter.

glittertits · 08/04/2015 23:04

so how do you suggest the OP goes about teaching her difficult mother that she is wrong?

Chippednailvarnish · 08/04/2015 23:04

The truth hurts.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:05

I suggest she has to "teach" nothing, give her grace and love her, she's her mum.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 23:05

Right. Last throw of the dice. daffs with respect you are not just saying that radical change is scary and you are not just saying that adaptation takes time. I would have no problem with either of those statements. You are going much much further and saying that racist behaviour which arises as a result of these factors should in some way not be identified as racist and (by implication) is therefore acceptable.

It isn't.

It may be somewhat understandable but it is not acceptable.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:06

Lets just agree to disagree here mrs.

glittertits · 08/04/2015 23:11

Its pretty hard to agree to disagree when you're excusing hateful behaviour.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 23:12

I'm going to go to bed now but I will not agree to disagree. I find your views pernicious and I refuse to appear to condone them. I might also add that I find your refusal to engage in reasoned debate and answer non emotive questions on your position extremely disrespectful.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:13

Im not excusing it, I'm understanding it.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 23:14

glitter not for the first time you've made the same point as I have, but much more pithily. Wine

Chippednailvarnish · 08/04/2015 23:17

Mrs its not a refusal to engage, she just can't formulate a reasoned response as there isn't one other than to look even more ignorant and bigoted.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:19

Thank you for your wise comments ladies.

glittertits · 08/04/2015 23:19

Wine mrs. How a poster can look herself in the mirror after excusing a woman who has stated that an Asian person made them want to vomit is beyond me.

Truly vile behaviour.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/04/2015 23:22

Glitter I find it quite depressing that people think like this.

workhouse · 08/04/2015 23:22

Could daffs be allowed to hold her views without being personally insulted please.

CrispyFern · 08/04/2015 23:26

OP you weren't wrong to walk out. You don't have to listen to hateful racist bile and just take it all the time, just because it's your mum. Speak up, you are doing the right thing. If you don't want to hear it, she should respect that.

Daffs - I cannot comprehend you, not at all.

tartyflette · 08/04/2015 23:28

I am the same generation as the OPs mother, a baby boomer born between 1945 and 1960 (although I'm a little younger than the lady in question) and neither I, my DH, nor any of my close friends, hold these frankly extremely racist views. I also have some much younger friends who sadly do. It is not necessarily a generational thing at all. And to excuse racism as somehow 'understandable' among older people is just mind boggling. I didn't let my own mother who died last year at the age of 89 get away with it either. She definitely should have known better, having spent a good portion of her life in a foreign country which was a bit of a rainbow nation (NOT South Africa, btw). I believe in challenging racism whenever i see or hear it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/04/2015 23:28

Op YANBU at all nobody should have to listen to such nonsense.

Back in 1990 it was not possible in the UK to rape your wife but I would still call a man who did a rapist.

Times change,expectations change, when that change is about decent conduct and recognising unacceptable things you change with it or you become part of the problem.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:29

Thank you workhouse. Flowers

Im sorry that you can't comprehend me crispy. But know some people don't, that's ok too.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/04/2015 23:34

I'm glad you can't comprehend Crispy!

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:41

Makes me wonder who has the "battle" here. I personally was willing to have our own opinion on this matter, it appears that you need to bring fresh fodder to the thread, hmmmmmm 2 becomes 3?

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:46

Challenging racism? what on earth is that? The woman is old, has old values. Can you not let it rest? clearly not. Do you not understand? blimey.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 23:52

Let's change and challenge "culture". Lets challenge religion. Let's challenge the fact that women in most different cultures need to obey. Let's not spout "racism" lets get tough on these things. Far more important in my book.