To Have Walked Out

[queeneileen]

My mum is truly doing my head in. She's managing to drum up arguments left, right, and centre with both me and my DS(13) I've got to the point where I'm limiting the time DS and DM spend together to less than 30mins at a time - they're as stroppy as each other and wind each other up - but I still go round every night after work for a brew. She's 67, disabled (can still get out and goes out every Saturday night to the local for company), but doesn't really do much socialising during the day.

Aaaaaanyways, she's just becoming more and more argumentative. Yesterday we rowed about politics, royal mail, the SNP, Scotland, her tv guide.
Today it was about employment law and the fact she thinks it's a shame employers can't hire who they want but instead have laws they have to cow-tow to. This was all sparked from her asking if Asians owned my opticians as the place was "flooded" with them. I work for an employment law company and started telling her about (quite sodding obvious) laws in place to stop discrimination happening. Queue massive row where I don't allow her to have her own opinion and it culminated in her accusing me of calling her a racist pig, and me telling her she IS racist. She is - not 15mins before she told me she was nearly sick when the Asian optician was checking her eyes as he was in her face. (note: I'm sorry. It's what she said)

She decided then she was offended that I think she's racist, and offended that I could say that to her in the manner I did. And I just said I was leaving and walked out.

I can't hack listening to her. I can't hack the rows. I can't hack the expectation of me sitting there listening to her spout bullshit because it's her opinion, even if I find it offensive. I end up openly questioning what she's saying and - I'll be honest - telling her she's talking crap.

I'm hugely sad I've walked out but AIBU to have done so?

Cross posted. You're not just saying that change is uncomfortable though, you're saying that behaviour based on race that arises because someone is uncomfortable/afraid is magically not racist!

How about an analogy? The place of women in society and particularly in the workplace has undergone massive change in the last 30 years. Does that mean that a 65 year old CEO who refuses to hire a female head of finance purely on the grounds of gender is somehow not sexist?

Ok then, I will explain my feelings on it.

Older generations, and yes, over 60 is the older generation in my eyes. Have a different outlook, of course they do. They have seen very much change that is probably far more natural to a 40 year old. It will end, but just not yet. I say give them grace and stop calling them racists. Its been very hard to adapt (some don't and it doesnt make them horrible). I struggle with it to be fair. I was raped for being white, so I possibly come from a different angle than you. Time is whats needed now, not screaming racist.

There has been a massive influx of different cultures. Yet again I'm saying grace is needed.

I hate no man, no creed, no colour. I have just found it difficult under my circumstances, and so do many English people.

67 is NOT old! She is only 10 years older that me and was therefore part of the swinging sixties when I was too young. She is just a bigot.

I will also ask you to question different cultures then mrs.

As for as women are concerned.

I have not seen Asian cultures to afford women equality.
I have not seen black cultures to afford women equality.
I have not seen islamic cultures to afford women equality.

have you?

far

I have not seen many religions to do this either.

daffsandtulips, are you a racist yourself, or just an apologist for racists?

I am a woman that believes in equality.

I'm just waiting for the next sentence to start with "I'm not being racist but"...

That sentence will never come. I don't believe in the word.

daffs I am sorry about the incident in your past, truly I am. It has clouded your judgement and perspective beyond repair, and that is a vast shame.

People of all cultures rape. English included.

Of course. I never said different I said what happened because a black person hated on me for being white. That also happens.

But you must know that that was one black person, not a whole culture, and certainly not enough reason to fear every single person who happens to look different to you.

daffs you have explained your feelings and I have some limited sympathy with your plea for "grace". For example I have experienced similar (albeit more minor) behaviour to that of the OP's mother from my DGMIL. I find her views unacceptable but I mention it as little as possible and she sees our DC often. However there is no getting away from the fact that it is racist.

I am sorry about your very traumatic personal experiences. My DSIS was murdered basically "for being white" but my own view is that personal trauma does not excuse denial of clear racist behaviour.

As to your closing statements you appear to have wilfully missed the point. I was making an analogy, not commenting on the presence or absence of sexism in any given race or religion. The fact that you have chosen to ignore the point and make a series of generalised and emotive statements instead is pretty telling as to whether you have any proper arguments to make.

In your shoes I'd just go quiet every time she harps on. Don't enter into a discussion. Tell her you're not prepared to discuss things because you will disagree and that will then ruin your visit. She wants an argument, it's simple just not to give it to her. Use tactics like going quiet, changing the topic, leaving early, moving rooms, asking her questions about something unrelated.

With respect glitter when have I said a "whole" culture. I'm saying in my obviously clumsy way I understood. What I'm also saying is that there has been so much change to a tiny Island in the last 30 years, it takes time and grace to get there.

I cannot say that being a woman in the western world, bringing other cultures (which are very man dominated) have helped me particularly either.

daffs I hope you find some peace soon.

People are just people, and I don't believe in anything that excuses people of any age from learning that. So we're going to have to disagree.

Anything on mass is scary. Anything.

daffs "grace" does not equal denying that unacceptable behaviour is occurring! And attempting to prohibit accurate language (calling something racist when it clearly is) is tantamount to denial.

This "tiny island" invaded most of the world, colonized it and then squeezed as much money and resources out of our "subjects" as humanly possible. And more importantly asked those same people to come and live and work here.

Making out that it's only the last 30 years that has seen Britain significantly change is a ignorant fallacy and holds no excuse for people being bigoted.

I have peace, the guy that raped me, didnt particularly become a friend but we hashed it out. Yes, people are just that, we all have the same colour red through our veins. What I say is its been hard to have such an influx and adapt with the snap of fingers. It takes time.

At the same time you need to chat to your DS about how you plan to cope with your mum and try and support each other in a constructive manner. You could probably have quite a laugh together about your mums outrageous behaviour and use some dark humour to help get through things

Oh and ignorant is a word that is used to frequently too. Think about the words you use, they are hurtful and inciting.