To Have Walked Out

[queeneileen]

My mum is truly doing my head in. She's managing to drum up arguments left, right, and centre with both me and my DS(13) I've got to the point where I'm limiting the time DS and DM spend together to less than 30mins at a time - they're as stroppy as each other and wind each other up - but I still go round every night after work for a brew. She's 67, disabled (can still get out and goes out every Saturday night to the local for company), but doesn't really do much socialising during the day.

Aaaaaanyways, she's just becoming more and more argumentative. Yesterday we rowed about politics, royal mail, the SNP, Scotland, her tv guide.
Today it was about employment law and the fact she thinks it's a shame employers can't hire who they want but instead have laws they have to cow-tow to. This was all sparked from her asking if Asians owned my opticians as the place was "flooded" with them. I work for an employment law company and started telling her about (quite sodding obvious) laws in place to stop discrimination happening. Queue massive row where I don't allow her to have her own opinion and it culminated in her accusing me of calling her a racist pig, and me telling her she IS racist. She is - not 15mins before she told me she was nearly sick when the Asian optician was checking her eyes as he was in her face. (note: I'm sorry. It's what she said)

She decided then she was offended that I think she's racist, and offended that I could say that to her in the manner I did. And I just said I was leaving and walked out.

I can't hack listening to her. I can't hack the rows. I can't hack the expectation of me sitting there listening to her spout bullshit because it's her opinion, even if I find it offensive. I end up openly questioning what she's saying and - I'll be honest - telling her she's talking crap.

I'm hugely sad I've walked out but AIBU to have done so?

I've been trapped in a taxi by an Asian driver until I gave him my mobile number even though my then husband was sat in the house and i told this man I was married.

I've been called a white slag by another Asian man for being dressed up to go out.

Do I hate all Asians? Nope. Wankers come in all colours.

enjoying yes it does my head in especially as my Dad is latin american! My auntie's current and former partner were both black and everyone in the family thinks it's perfectly acceptable to say to her and my mum 'I don't know why you seem to prefer foreigners to English men'

Auntie's partners were born in London and Bristol, respectively.

Wankers come in all colours.

I think this sums it up, really. Many years ago, I was sexually assaulted by an Asian man while travelling overseas. I do think my race was a factor - I suspect he thought that all Western women were "easy". It was a horrible experience, but it did not make me think differently about Asian men. I was assaulted by one man. To generalise from that experience would be racist.

I was also sexually assaulted once by a white man. That was awful too, but again, it did not change my perception of white men. Or men in general, for that matter.

I work with many different individuals. Are you aware that the Sikh temples will feed anyone, of any religion or sex on a daily basis?
That is a lot better than many 'English' options.
The Muslim community is fair and well integrated where I live and work.
People are people regardless of their 'labels' and most are fair and kind. However you get cunts in all walks of life ( yes I did use the cunt word deliberately ).

I believe the Sikh community in London are now taking the langar meal of the gurdwaras and into the streets, in order to serve the needs of the homeless and needy, jane.

Yes, I think they are doing it in Nottingham too.
The Sikhs are amazing:

Really? Didn't know that, though we're quite near Nottingham and DH is a Sikh!

The only Sikhs I know are absolutely brilliant. Kind, caring and really kind. And their wives seem be able to live their own lives. ( unlike many peoples ideas!).

I don't think I've ever felt physically sick reading a thread on here before. Hats off and gold medals to those of you trying, but failing, so eloquently and persistently to educate someone with such shocking views.

"daffsandtulips Sun 12-Apr-15 19:13:54
whats with the blanket words yet again. Xenaphobic, Racist. Does everything have to have a label. People need to speak in a rational manner and find out why others are upset without all this.

The only one failing to show rationality is you, daffs. Sorry that you're finding it so hard to comprehend everyone else's completely rational viewpoints.

daffs, WHY are you so attached to the idea that there has been a new, massive influx when people keep explaining that there hasn't been?

What I have seen change in this country in the last 30 years is that racist views have become far less tolerated.

The main non-white migration to the UK happened in the 1950s to 1970s which is more like 40 - 60 years ago.

I'm five years younger than your DM and my dd is half-Mexican and my dgd is Mulatta. None of my older friends were ever racist.

OP, hope your Mum's health improves. Looks like there are two issues here - the argumentative stuff about politics, economics etc and the bigoted views such as the shocking thing she said about her Asian optician.

If she continues to be argumentative all the time, might it have any effect just to say "Look Mum, I can see that you enjoy an argument but it's grinding me down, can we just leave it and talk about something that we agree on for once?". Maybe she thinks that you actually enjoy a bit of vigorous political debate?

However on the racist things I'd be inclined to be state very clamly and clearly that you disagree strongly with her views and consider them to be racist. Tell her that you will not stay in her company if she ever says anything like that to you again and that you will be telling DS to do the same. Then you and DS keep firmly to your word. I'm not saying don't go to see her again, keep popping in every day but just be consistent about walking out whenever she says something racist. You don't even have to walk out angrily, just be matter-of -fact about it. The fact that you are next door means that you can do this yet still keep an eye on her and not risk becoming estranged.

Just a suggestion. I had similar with my Mum and homophobic views. I'm, not sure she ever changed them but at least I didn't have to listen to them after I put my foot down.

As for daffs, words fail. Well done to the posters who so eloquently (en masse ) tried to explain to her why her views were just not logical. Sorry you've clearly had a traumatic past daffs, you're clearly very angry but you're directing that anger at the wrong people.

Having a bigot parent is bloody terrible liistening them spout bile 1 minute then the weather the next is not only confusing frustrating but frightening age is noexcuse for hatred of colour sexulity or gender my stepdad is 65 not a decrepid old man who lived in a different time or anything like that he is just a bigot no excuse or reason for it, op yanbu yourmother sounds hard work

Im not at all angry. Neither do I hate any other race or colour. There is however an immigration problem and screaming racist right left and centre doesnt help any situation.

I wouldn't run to starbucks to have a coffee with most of you either

Daffs it's been said to you many times on this thread that there is not an immigration problem. We have shown you stats to back this up. You haven't responded with any corresponding facts of your own.

If you're going to have an opinion about something, try to make sure it's informed. The reason no one is taking you seriously is because you're completely refusing to respond to any reasoned, logical arguments put to you (of which there have been many) and are instead simply complaining about being called a racist.

I wouldn't bother Pinning, Daffs won't be responding with any sensible answers because she can't.

Chipped it's just so frustrating when people aren't willing to engage with anything!!

Hi Pinning thanks for trying to engage in a sensible conversation, which I would love to do. However, with posters such as chipped about there is no way this is possible

If youyou could have a sensible debate, you would have done. But you haven't because you can't. That isn't because of me or anyone else, that's your failing and yours alone.

Daffs. Please just answer one question:

Did you notice the posts with correct immigration stats in and if so why are you still using incorrect information to back up what you say?

daffs but you're still not answering any of my questions! I don't actually think anyone on this thread has been unduly rude to you considering you're saying things that are massively offensive. You can't blame 'posters like Chipped' for not defending your position. We have all defended our position well. You haven't come back with anything in return. Why don't you do that now?

I'm with peppermint. Just answer that one question.

daffs, I asked you a number of straightforward questions on this thread, but you declined to answer any of them. Because of this, you are not coming across as being interested in having a genuine debate at all. You are the one who is not engaging. It seems to me that you just want to rant about people using the term "racism".

Having a "sensible conversation" doesn't mean that we will agree with you or validate your point of view. Nor does it mean that we will stop using the term "racist" to describe certain attitudes and behaviours, simply because you don't like us using that word. When you have understood this, perhaps we can have a proper debate.

Very well said kampeki.