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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have Walked Out

400 replies

queeneileen · 08/04/2015 20:23

My mum is truly doing my head in. She's managing to drum up arguments left, right, and centre with both me and my DS(13) I've got to the point where I'm limiting the time DS and DM spend together to less than 30mins at a time - they're as stroppy as each other and wind each other up - but I still go round every night after work for a brew. She's 67, disabled (can still get out and goes out every Saturday night to the local for company), but doesn't really do much socialising during the day.

Aaaaaanyways, she's just becoming more and more argumentative. Yesterday we rowed about politics, royal mail, the SNP, Scotland, her tv guide.
Today it was about employment law and the fact she thinks it's a shame employers can't hire who they want but instead have laws they have to cow-tow to. This was all sparked from her asking if Asians owned my opticians as the place was "flooded" with them. I work for an employment law company and started telling her about (quite sodding obvious) laws in place to stop discrimination happening. Queue massive row where I don't allow her to have her own opinion and it culminated in her accusing me of calling her a racist pig, and me telling her she IS racist. She is - not 15mins before she told me she was nearly sick when the Asian optician was checking her eyes as he was in her face. (note: I'm sorry. It's what she said)

She decided then she was offended that I think she's racist, and offended that I could say that to her in the manner I did. And I just said I was leaving and walked out.

I can't hack listening to her. I can't hack the rows. I can't hack the expectation of me sitting there listening to her spout bullshit because it's her opinion, even if I find it offensive. I end up openly questioning what she's saying and - I'll be honest - telling her she's talking crap.

I'm hugely sad I've walked out but AIBU to have done so?

OP posts:
daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 21:47

Where did your grandmother live then zesty? is she working class? its all relevant. Depends where immigrants were/are sent on mass. Everyone has a story and to "blanket" call people racists is very nasty and unfair without hearing why they feel fear, because that's what it boils down to. Fear of different. Fear of change. Which is a very natural thing for most.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 08/04/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginmartini · 08/04/2015 21:53

Oh give it a rest daffs with your 'hey racism is okay because anyone racist doesn't actually mean it' shite you spout on MN.

creighton · 08/04/2015 21:53

well, the whites went en masse to Canada, Australia etc and changed the culture without asking the locals. do you feel guilty about that or is it okay when whites go around interfering with others?

PinkSquash · 08/04/2015 21:53

My mother is a similar age and manages not to be racist ditto my MIL. It's insulting for everyone to be tarred with a brush because of age.

She sounds horrid OP I would try and stay as calm and neutral as possible when you see her.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 21:54

daffs I cannot believe you are spouting this. It is understandable for people to be afraid of change, disorientated, whatever. It is however categorically not ok to then start talking and behaving like other people are not full human beings. PP are entirely right to call this racism because it entirely fits the definition of racism - treating others in a particular way based on their race rather than their individual characteristics. If you feel there are justifications for such behaviour then by all means explain them, but don't complain about the correct use of a descriptive term.

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 21:54

67 isn't old! And there have been Asians in her home town since the 60s, so it isn't new.

She is - and always has been - prejudiced against Asians. She's the woman who refused to use an Asian cashier in Tesco because she didn't want him touching her food. She won't eat Indian/Bangladeshi/Pakistani food, use a taxi driven by an Asian, thank an Asian bus driver, won't speak to anyone Asian unless she has absolutely no option. She doesn't like Asian women but moans more about Asian men. The minute you challenge her, she goes batcrap mental.

She's entitled to her opinion, but I'm entitled to disagree. Especially when I find her comments offensive.

I'm just done with listening to her. But also feel bad for letting it get to the point where I had to walk out.

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 21:56

Oh, YANBU at all, OP.

Original poster
queeneileen · 08/04/2015 21:57

Slightly OT but MrsMalcolmReynolds shiny nickname! :D

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 21:59

Cheers!

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:00

I am saying change takes a lot of time. I am saying that your comments are very zealot like.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:01

Can you not hear yourselves? can you not realise that any other country on this earth would feel like this with anything on mass?

creighton · 08/04/2015 22:01

the old people you speak about have had a lifetime to get used to the change in population. you didn't answer my question about whites roaming the world interfering with other people and stealing their stuff

creighton · 08/04/2015 22:03

yes, I agree, the blacks in Australia and Africa probably objected to you all arriving there but you killed them all so that you could continue to steal with impunity

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:04

No they havent so much has happened in the last 30 years, that is NOT a lot of time.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:06

I have to leave again! we are talking about England here. There has been a massive amount of change in the last 30 years. No one will convince me differently. One day, all will be more or less the same colour. I'd love to come back again then. Until then it's natural to have fears.

creighton · 08/04/2015 22:08

you haven't answered my questions about white people bothering others.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 22:09

daffs my comment are not zealous in the slightest. If you actually read them I have acknowledged that there are explanations for racism and have invited you to explain whether and why you feel that these might be adequate justification. However that doesn't mean I am wrong to identify such views as racist because they are the very definition of the term. If you have proper arguments to make I suggest you make them because continued avoidance of clear questions makes it look very much as if you have no such arguments.

glittertits · 08/04/2015 22:11

Fear is one thing daffs when it manifests as reasoned debate.

Fear is not an excuse for hateful vitriol.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:13

That word has almost become like using the word C* and doesnt solve but infuriate. It's bandied about and spouted out to the point of ridiculousness. It has not helped the situation at all. Think on before its used.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/04/2015 22:15

Can you not understand how much this country has changed in the last 30 years? Can you not understand that is scary for the older generation? can you not understand that there are very many myths that surround all this? can you not understand that this was not the case then? For god sake, give grace here. I find you to be totally intolerant and rather nasty

Actually, I find your tolerance rather nasty.

daffsandtulips · 08/04/2015 22:17

you can find what you like chipped. I am yet again saying that change to a massive degree is never comfortable with anyone, any race, any country. If you choose to see that as nasty then so be it.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 08/04/2015 22:21

daffs if you mean that the word racist can be too readily used then to a certain extent I agree with you - there can be a tendency to label any identification of a person by reference to race or colour which is not correct. However that is not (I believe) the case here so please explain why the behaviour described by the OP is not racist.

wowfudge · 08/04/2015 22:24

I think my great auntie in her 90s has seen a damn sight more change in her lifetime than someone 30 years younger has seen in the last 30 years. And guess what: my auntie has not expressed any racist views ever.

You are talking tosh daffs and experiencing change is no excuse for appalling behaviour.

ZestyDragon · 08/04/2015 22:24

daffs my gran grew up in such unimaginable poverty that it sounds like a story or fairy tale to hear her talking about it. She would have every reason to feel threatened by change but she is simply an open, lively, kind, good hearted and loving person. That's why she isn't a bigot.

also she totally fancies and flirts with her African Doctor. The hussy