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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 18:28

I can see why your DH is upset. Does she have good reason to have gone NC with her dad?
If I were him I would be worried about about her being in a position to undermine his position in your DDs life.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:35

Does she have good reason to have gone NC with her dad?

not really

she took it badly when she found out he was going to be a dad again (to our dd1) and just decided that was it, she didn't want to see him anymore. he has always tried to keep the door open for her, as it were. and he has always paid maintenance and given her pocket money etc

OP posts:
Tomodachi · 02/04/2015 18:39

Their relationship with their sister is separate from your dh's with his dd. I have a similar situation except that DSD does not yet want a relationship with her siblings and my eldest is 12 and does not want anything to do with her sister (siding with her father - who now does have a relationship with his eldest DD but MY dd is offended by her (half sisters) previous behaviour and is very clear on right and wrong at the moment - no grey areas or flexibility and doesn't want to know about DSD anyway). However I have always tried to explain it to my eldest (younger don't know about DSD) that her relationship with her elder sister is separate to that with her dad and when she is old enough she is free to chose the relationship she might like to have with her sister. I hope someday they will have a relationship - maybe when DD is less inclined to be influenced by DSD's dodgy standards (but I try to keep that part to myself).
In your situation I would facilitate the relationship as much as possible - sharing photos, making sure your dd's know about their sister and what she looks like but explaining why she and their dad are not great friends at the moment. Ultimately they will decide between themselves.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 18:42

Then I would be suspicious that this s to hurt him. She's old enough now not to play games and needs to be held accountable.
Cutting your dad out because of jealousy isn't a good enough reason IMO She shouldn't be rewarded by seeing her sisters.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 18:44

How exactly do you explain to a young child that the reason their sister doesn't see their father is because she had a tantrum about them being alive?

SunshineAndShadows · 02/04/2015 18:45

your daughters have a right to know their half-sister. This is the first step in building bridges - don't deny them family.

Your DH needs to grow up and recognise that this usn't about him, and if he wants what is best for ALL of his daughters he'll facilitate their relationship.
Denying sisters a relationship is hardly likely to endear him as a father to any of them in the longterm

TheAuthoress · 02/04/2015 18:45

Well, I guess she was 11 or 12 when told your DH was having another baby, so while it seems like a very silly reason to go NC, she was only a kid and I'm sure has matured in the last 6 years.

It still is strange that she wants to see them and not your DH though. I think if it was me I'd agree to see her with the kids and see how she got on. If there was any negativity about your DH then I wouldn't do it again.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/04/2015 18:46

So she went nc when she was what, 12, 13? A bit of a teenage flounce, perhaps she regrets it now she's grown up a bit, and while she's too embarrassed to admit she was wrong re her dad, she thinks getting to know her half sisters might be a start to mending fences?

LokiBear · 02/04/2015 18:48

Could you send her a message suggesting a lunch with dh there? Your dh needs to make an effort with her. She was just a mixed up kid when she went nc. Perhaps hw could take it as an opportunity to a second chance.

SunshineAndShadows · 02/04/2015 18:49

Perhaps she just feels embarrassed, hurt or awkward about not seeing her dad for 6 years - why does your DH suspect his daughter of ulterior motives? He hasn't seen her since she was 12.
Teenage years are difficult - you and DH have no idea what her experiences have been, what her relationship with her mum is like, what information she's been given about your family.

She's making a mature approach - why doesn't your DH give her the benefit of the doubt?

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2015 18:49

We don't know how the birth of her siblings was handled with her. We don't know how her parents split was handled with her, or her father's new relationship.

She was 12 at the time and may well have been very hurt. She was pretty young and may have felt pushed out. We don't even know how far away she lived or what the access arrangements were.

So maybe look at it as a positive thing she wants to meet her sisters.

And her father needs to grow up.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 18:50

Umm im guessing she was barely a teen when her first sister was born and hardly able to make mature, rational decisions about seeing her father/sister. I'd give her a bit of a break on that one TBH. Your DH sounds like a sulky child not allowing her to see her sisters because she struggled with them to begin with when she was a young teen herself. Not fair to hold that against her. You have been speaking to her for a year so must have a reasonable idea of how genuine an mature she is now. If you think she is sincere about wanting to know them i would facilitate it. Your DH needs to check himself.

Eigg · 02/04/2015 18:50

But surely she was only 12 when your DD1 was born? That's quite a difficult age.

Isn't wanting a relationship with her sisters a step in the right direction towards reconciliation with her Dad?

He's the adult.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:56

Isn't wanting a relationship with her sisters a step in the right direction towards reconciliation with her Dad?

that's what I thought

it was a right mess when I was preg with our dd1, before dh had chance to tell her, she found out through the grapevine

OP posts:
JustForThisPostxthisTime · 02/04/2015 18:58

personally i think that (if DH wants a relationship with her) you shold encourage the siblings meeting and then extend to DH when she is comfortabel, bring her in to the home slowly and surely, dont pressure her, try to tell DH shes not still rejecting him, but its a long slow process to come back

Rainbunny · 02/04/2015 18:59

I would impress upon your DH that developing a relationship with your DDs will likely pave the way to re-establishing a relationship with your DH. He needs to understand that his eldest DD has no previous relationship with your DDs so there is no hurt feelings or embarrassment to get over in contacting them, and of course there will be such feelings to be dealt with in contacting her father. It will be a much bigger deal to reconnect with her father than her sisters. He should look at this a first step. I'm sure she will see how happy your DDs are and get a very positive impression of your DH from them which can only help.

drudgetrudy · 02/04/2015 19:02

I think your DH needs to remember that she is very young and that he is the adult. You would think that if he could see a possibility of the relationship between his daughters being repaired he would want to support it.
Is he not sad that they are not in contact?

Obviously if they wish to remain NC he can't do much about it but its a shame he wants to make things worse. Life's too short.

mynewpassion · 02/04/2015 19:05

She was 12 at the time. Did he do anything to try to change the relationship at the time?

BarbarianMum · 02/04/2015 19:06

I agree with those saying that this is a good first step towards a reconciliation with the whole family. There is a big difference b/w 12 and 18!

wannaBe · 02/04/2015 19:06

IMO she is being incredibly manipulative and by you maintaining contact with her without your dh you are facilitating this manipulation. Unless there was a good reason for her going nc with her dad then i can see why he is upset.

Presumably you are going to be expected to lie to your dd's as well about why she didn't have contact? in which case what might she be capable of telling them?

I would only agree to this contact if it was transparent and with your dh in the picture. She gave up a right to a relationship with her sisters at the point she decided she didn't want to have anything to do wwith her father because of them.Yes they have a right to contact with her but I would tell her that they also have a right to know why they haven't previously known her.

Sometimes we all have to live by the decisions we make. If she'd come back at eighteen having grown up then that would be one thing, but clearly she hasn't and therefore she doesn't get to call the shots.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 19:08

before dh had chance to tell her, she found out through the grapevine

And he wonders why she had trouble processing the whole thing? Hmm he really needs to let her take the lead on this and move at her own pace. He fucked up originally and it had natural consequences, he needs to accept those consequences and see that things take time and have to go at her pace or he wont repair anything.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2015 19:11

Sometimes we all have to live by the decisions we make. If she'd come back at eighteen having grown up then that would be one thing, but clearly she hasn't and therefore she doesn't get to call the shots.

She was 12! And heard about the pregnancy in the worst way.

How on earth does that make her 'manipulative'?

TheRealMaryMillington · 02/04/2015 19:14

She was very young when your children were born.

I would take it on face value, but slowly, and in neutral territory. She can't expect it all to be happy families from day 1.

Your DH needs to accept her right and your daughters' to know each other. she needs to accept the fact that her earlier decision has caused pain that won't heal immediately.

Kvetch15 · 02/04/2015 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skidoodoo · 02/04/2015 19:19

You sound like a great Mum. There's a lot of hurt on both your DH's side and your SDD's but him and her don't really affect whether she has a relationship with her sisters. One day the three of them may really depend on each other and you parents might not be around. Meet with her and remind you OH how young she was and how everything must have seemed so painful for her.... He obviously has a limited memory span.

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