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Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
NorahDentressangle · 03/04/2015 06:50

It needs to be a meeting which will lead to reconciliation with her DF if it continues.

I mean you can't go on for decades having meetings between DDs and DSD - where would you meet, in cold windy parks, or at home and ban the DF from entering?

Tiny steps but I would imagine she wouldn't genuinely wish to meet DSSiss if she wanted nothing to do with DF.

Seems odd the DD took news of the new baby badly enough to break off contact, perhaps other things were going on in her life that the OP is unaware of. But seems others say it is very upsetting - but how is the DF and DSM to know this, once she has stopped all contact everyone is up a gum tree. That was the DSD decision sadly (young though she was). I would say she now wants to mend bridges.

HagOtheNorth · 03/04/2015 07:05

So much good advice and common sense on this thread, I agree with those pointing out that she's finding her way back into a relationship after very strong feelings of rejection at a vulnerable age and that your DH needs to show maturity and compassion about the steps she's taking. Even if he's pissed off.
First she'llearn to love her siblings, then if he's not an arse about it, she may reforge her relationship with him.
Gods help your two little ones if he's this selfish about his own feelings. When they become teenagers, you will find that they challenge and test you to a point you didn't think possible. You will need all the forgiveness and self-control you are capable of, and sometimes that means compromise to demonstrate how an adult manages tricky situations.

zippey · 03/04/2015 07:08

Not sure if this point has been made but think about the consequences of say no and telling her she must see yher dad too. It's manipulative and you shouldn't push things. Reconciliation is sometimes done best taking one step at a time.

What kind of negative things will she say to the children? Probably nothing, I think she will see her relationship with your children as her relationship with her dad.

If there had been instance after instance of bad behaviour from her then I can see your DHs point, but give her a chance to make amends. She is being mature, and this is probably the first step. Give her time. Once she bonds with your children, it opens up reconciliation with the father. If you reject her open hand just now, it just leads to more pain and anger to everyone involved.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 07:14

I mean you can't go on for decades having meetings between DDs and DSD Why not? If the older daughter doesn't want to reconcile, then as the children age there are plenty of places they can meet that won't mean sitting in windy parks!!

I am non contact with my mum & not once have I sat in a windy park with my siblings.

Unappreciatedandfat · 03/04/2015 07:16

I went NC with my dad at 17 YO after my step mum found out she was pregnant, not because I was jealous of the new baby, on the contrary, I was very excited but my lovely step mother decided that she didn't want my brother or I at my dads house. After him referring to us as his "baggage" and her saying "I'm not playing mother to those two" I told my "father" that unless he stood up to his GF and told her that we were comng to his house like it r lump it then I wanted nothing more to do with him.

Of course they used this and made out that I was jealous of the new baby, turned my whole family against me (some still don't speak now) and basically made my life hell. Ifeel sorry for that poor girl she was 12!!

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 03/04/2015 07:23

Can't thank you all enough for your lovely posts Thanks

Been awake half the night worrying Sad

I might show dh this thread

OP posts:
CactusAnnie · 03/04/2015 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 03/04/2015 07:37

I love how the first few posts vilify the teen when they have no idea what has gone on.

The reason for that is pretty obvious. She has a vagina so it's more her responsibility to nurture and maintain relationships with the people around her (even at 12) than her father's (as an adult). Failure to fulfill her duty sees her called everything you expect and have seen on this thread.

Moln · 03/04/2015 07:47

Well done OP, I think you are handling this situation perfectly. Some of the posters on this thread sound like they'd make a total disaster of the situation.

Allowing her to met her siblings while keeping your DH aware of everything is by far and wide the best way.

One thing we as readers of this thread don't know is how the DSD's parents split up. She might see it as entirely her dads doing, or even if it was nothing to do with him her mum might have fed her lies about him. First step into repairing the OPs DH's relationship is through contact with his DDs. The rest can follow.

Moln · 03/04/2015 07:53

I totally agree with ApocalypseThen as to why the DSD was vilified.

Thankfully the OP does not hold this destructive belief that a female, no matter what age, is the responsible one and if she doesn't comply to male wants regardless of her feelings is labeled manipulative and a cunt.

Purpleflamingos · 03/04/2015 08:00

We welcomed an estranged teenage girl back into our family. Different situation. She is in her twenties now and we all have a lovely relationship with her. The past was left behind and it was a clean slate. Her siblings adore her. My children would be her step cousins and she loves them as family too.

buildmeabuttercup · 03/04/2015 08:01

Op you're handling this really well and if your dd's and step dd manage to have a relationship I am sure they will be so grateful to you. I wish my lovely dad had your attitude Smile

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2015 08:12

Personally I think she should build a relationship with her dad before your dds. What about when they ask her to come to their house? Or ask why she doesn't see her dad etc? Because they will ask these things

This pretty much involves making the possibility of a relationship with her half sisters totally dependant on one with her father.
Questions can be asked and answered with no drama at all it is not a big deal.

Dad is having a strop about his child sending a message it sounds like his child would have had a fine example set to her by him for the first 12 years of her life especially given that he's prepared to be controlling about the family relationships of all his children

MarshaBrady · 03/04/2015 08:15

No not manipulative. She is contacting in a way that feels ok for her. Let her see her half sisters. Her father needs to realise she was hurt and hope that in time he can make amends.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 08:31

Do show your DH this thread. At the end of the day she's the vulnerable teenager bearly out out childhood and he's the mature grown up parent figure. They have already missed out on many irretrievable years and this is such a great opportunity to make their relationship bigger, stronger, better.

Personally I'd encourage a relationship between all the children, help her feel a part of your family and much loved. Maybe DH could subtly make little steps towards establishing a relationship

dangerrabbit · 03/04/2015 08:41

Well done OP, I think you are handling a complex situation wonderfully.

I have no words for your DH, who it appears made no effort with his 12 year old who felt vulnerable and rejected at a difficult time in her life. Shame on him as the adult and parent for not making any effort to repair the relationship when she was having a strop. He was an an adult and it doesn't sound like he accepted any responsibility for how his actions might have made her feel. On the other hand as previous posters said maybe she decided not to speak to him for other reasons. She could have been manipulated by her mum.

To me it sounds like your DSD is the mature one, reaching out to her half sisters to form a relationship. Hopefully she could repair her relationship with her dad in time if he is willing to move past his own hurt.

Weebirdie · 03/04/2015 08:53

At 18 she's still very young and I would be saying to DH - sort yourself out with DD1 so we can move on to family life en-masse.

The girl is still obviously very hurt and she needs her dad to make the first move.

MarshaBrady · 03/04/2015 09:25

Really he should see this as an opportunity to make up rather than limiting what she can do. It's sad for her that he doesn't. As the parent he needs to step up.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 03/04/2015 09:44

I'm glad people think I'm handling it ok

One thing that does worry me in all this is, what if my dds and I meet their sister, and then their sister doesn't want to see them again? Worst case scenario but could happen?

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/04/2015 09:56

Young children are very adaptable. I don't think they will be really hurt if there is just one meeting. Think of how children adapt to changing/leaving much loved nannies or childcare. They miss them at first and then move on.

And I think it is better for them to meet her while they are so young. If there are no more meet ups they will at least know that they met her once when they were little.

Falalalala · 03/04/2015 10:16

It could happen. Maybe she might get scared or worried after one meeting, or realise that she feels differently than how she thought she would feel. Maybe to start with you can not tell your children she is their sister? Maybe just call her 'family' or a friend or something? In any case, I don't think either of you should set any expectations re level of contact. Maybe it will turn out to be every week, once a month, one a year, who knows. Take it as one meeting, and go from there.

To add my personal experience, my dad remarried when I was in my mid teens. He had been in a relationship for a few years and they lived together - I had regular contact in this period. But my dad didn't tell me about their marriage plans until after they came back from honeymoon. At that age I felt like I was old enough to be trusted with information like this: that he didn't tell me said to me (even if it was wrong) that he didn't trust me and didn't want me, that he had a new family.

Contact reduced, particularly as I moved across the country to Uni. I felt like he expected me to make all the effort for any contact - to visit him during the holidays (he's never visited me even though I know they've been on holiday in the area) to remember when their wedding anniversary is, to send him a fathers day card. He hasn't been there when I needed him, so the expectation to play happy families on the right days of the year is unrealistic.

Now I have spoken to him a couple of times in the last year, and can't remember when I last saw him.

Your husband hurt your daughter: she was probably already feeling vulnerable that 'dad has someone new' and then she found out that you were having a baby and this was 'secret' from her. I know this may not have been the reality but this is how she may have felt at the time. Your husband needs to accept that he hurt her, be glad that she wants some kind of contact with his new family. I can't think that she has initiated this without at least wondering how it will affect her relationship with her dad.

Maybe they will build a relationship again, maybe they won't. But if his 'toys out the pram' feeling and actions continue then they probably won't. So it's up to him to decide whether or not he is going to control those feelings until the day (that hopefully comes) that they can have a grown up discussion about both their actions and their feelings.

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 10:17

I would play it quite low key-take them out to a zoo, park or something. Introduce her as their big sister but don't make a big issue.
I don't think they will be too affected if its a one-off, although they may ask a few questions.
If your husband was adult about it he could send a note to say he hopes you have a good time and he would love to see her if and when she feels ready.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/04/2015 10:39

Falalalala

If she isn't introduced as a sister then this could go the same way that it did when she found out about her sister.

OP, I truly wish you the best in this, my main concerns are for your 6 yr. old and how estranged daughter should be introduced, questions that it will cause and who will be told what by who.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 03/04/2015 10:44

She will be introduced as her sister

As she already knows she has a sister and has seen pics etc

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/04/2015 11:44

Really, a one off or even a few sporadic meetings won't create a lasting bond. I don't think your DD will get hurt.

It is best that your DD already knows about her half sister. She will be curious to meet her and prob have loads of questions. But at 6 she is unlikely to take things personally. Which is why I think this is great age for your DDs to meet her.
Are you meeting someplace that your DDs can have fun? That would reduce the intensity of the situation. And probably provide a good ice breaker too.
Best of luck with the meet up. I think you are doing the right thing by all three girls.