my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

[WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans]

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

Wotta its nice that things have worked out for you. I'm in a similar situation, 3 half siblings from dads previous marriage, eldest conatcted me when I was 18 but my dad has forbidden any contact with any of them. It hurts but I love my dad and I can't jeopardise my relationship with my dad.

It doesn't always work out as happy familys, sometimes you have to prioritise and make hard decisions.

Sorry but I do not blame your DH in any way for his reaction. You are clearly opening up old wounds for him and appear not to give a stuff about that.

This is his DD, as you said you don't really have the SM role as you didn't help bring her up, you should have kept out of this completely and respected your husbands wishes. I think you have shown him a complete lack of respect and if I was in his position I'd be doing some serious thinking.

So she suddenly wants to know her half sisters? She should build a relationship with her father first because, from what you say, he has done nothing wrong and it sounds a lot like her mother manipulated her into cutting her father off. If wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

I can't see how you can sustain a relationship between his elder DD and his younger children without him being involved at all. He will be hurt every single time they and you meet her, knowing she still won't have anything to do with him. He will get more resentful I imagine. You really don't seem to have thought about him in the slightest. I notice you haven't mentioned him again since your meeting that didn't happen. If she could answer your message at work, she could have messaged you in the first place. What poor behaviour.

Your DH should get the final say on this matter and you should respect that. I feel very sorry for him.

The daughter doesn't know that her father 'has done nothing wrong' she only knows that she was 'ditched' att the age of 12 - a situation likely engineered by her mother.

And all the posters who were previously laying into the daughter are now laying into the OP - nice! Of course it's herbusines - it affects her children - they have a sister, denying that doesn't help anyone. OP hasn't drip fed but given relevant information as questions have come up. She's also consistently defended her DH as a good father who tried to see his daughter and was hurt by going NC, but it's impossible for her to police what other people post, as demonstrated by some of the venom other posters have directed at her.

It's a complex situation, there aren't any 'rules' I assume that White knows her husband pretty well and is managing his feelings as best she can. Being obstructive to the DD because she made a decision as a 12 year old with a difficult mother doesn't help. It's interesting that no one has criticised the adult father for accepting the 12 year old child's 'decision' despite her difficult mother's influence. Everyone is still willing to blame this young woman despite the trauma she's likely suffered because of decisions that BOTH of her parents made - I'm not surprised she's reached out to White - you probably seem like the only adult who hasn't let her down.

Sunshine if the daughter did not want to see her father, what should he have done forced her to see him?

And all the posters who were previously laying into the daughter are now laying into the OP - nice! Of course it's herbusines - it affects her children - they have a sister, denying that doesn't help anyone. OP hasn't drip fed but given relevant information as questions have come up. She's also consistently defended her DH as a good father who tried to see his daughter and was hurt by going NC, but it's impossible for her to police what other people post, as demonstrated by some of the venom other posters have directed at her

agree with this, sunshineandshadows ^^

I also deliberately didn't defend DH much as, from what I have seen on here there isn't any much sympathy for men who leave their DW and don't see their kids, for whatever reason. And I still stand by my opinion that regardless of what EXW was doing he should have tried harder to see his DD, court etc. DH knows my feelings on this and I think he does actually regret not going to court. I love DH and he is a fucking brilliant dad to our DC and I am really hoping and praying that my contact with DSD will lead to a reconciliation with DH and DSD. So I am going to see DSD with her sisters, because I think (and now she is 18 really what can her mum do? more nasty messages that I will ignore again. ooh I am so scared. )

and no, I didnt mention EXW behaviour until asked, as I was worried i might have been construed as a typical second DW who slags off the firstDW. And for all her nastiness its clear from her behaviour that EXW was very hurt and affected by her split with DH and i genuinely feel for her in that respect. and I honestly thought from my experience on here that people would think EXW was justified anyway as it seems that the majority opinion on DH's who leave their DW and DC (for whatever reason) are the devil incarnate and deserve all they get.

you can't win on MN it seems, some posters twist things, its like a game to some people

still have been given a lot of food for thought and I have taken everything on board and I appreciate the kindness many posters have shown x

I'll say it again OP. Those kids are lucky to have you.

Personally I'd make sure everything was okay between me and DH and we were united on the way ahead rather than making a unilateral decision on something that is clearly very painful to DH. You are risking the stability of your own family and DC if you don't take into account his feelings.

With the best will in the world, I think your DH should have a valued input in this decision or you don't know how this could blow up in your face.

My mum believes that I should have a relationship with my half siblings but she would never ever go against my fathers wishes about it. Please tread carefully.

but op in your op you said that it was the dd who decided that she didn't want to see her dad. So why would he have gone to court over that? the courts would very much have taken the view of a twelve year old into consideration when deciding whether or not a child should be forced to see a parent. You said that it was her decision, at no point did you suggest that the mother had blocked contact other than at the beginning of your relationship.

And of course it's a drip-feed. Just look at what you've written side by side:

Scenario 1 from your op: DSD decided at the age of twelve that she wanted nothing to do with her dad any more after she found out that he was having a baby with you, and has now got back in touch wanting to see her sisters but still not wanting a relationship with her dad. It was her dad's fault that she found out you were pregnant before he actually had a chance to tell her, and therefore according to many posters she has been dealing with six years of rejection and hurt inflicted by ... her dad.

Scenario 2 from your subsequent additions: When you got together with your dh his ex made things very difficult for him to see his dd, and then she told her dd that her dad was having another baby, and contact stopped. subsequent to that she started sending abusive messages to you, wishing your children dead, etc. The dd has since been in touch with you, and the ex has kicked off over that yet again.

You could actually have written these two scenarios in two entirely different posts on mn and you would have got two entirely different responses. but I suspect you know that.

Did your dh leave his ex for you per chance? It would explain (although of course not justify) the response from the ex, but even more so it would explain why you feel you need to be sympathetic towards her over the split - if you were party to that split....

Well clearly you will continue to do what you want to do without a single consideration for your DH's feelings on the matter considering his daughter.

sunshine I wasn't laying into the daughter and now laying into the OP. I am making a perfectly valid point that the OP is not considering her DH's feelings in this at all and his feelings should come first given the subject matter. Given the OP's response though she doesn't want to hear this and will carry on regardless.

I have twisted nothing. People are going by your facts. I think that you disagreed with you'd DH's decision not to pursue this through the courts so now you re just doing what you like. You said yourself that his 12 year old do decided not to have contact with him. Whether this was down to her mother's influence (likely) or not, a court would not have forced a 12 year old to see a parent that she categorically stated she didn't want to.

Hi OP, I think you sound like a great mum, juggling between doing whats right in the face of opposing views.