my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

[WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans]

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

and I actually think that in time, she will see her dad

As you have been the one talking with her i think youre in the best position to know. Your DH is obviously still hurting but he needs to look beyond his own feelings and try ad see it frok her point of view.

At what point should the other children be told the truth as to why she and her father are not in contact?

You don't know what the truth is.

so how far should she be allowed to manipulate this situation?

Have you read the OP?

she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

^^this is all that she has said. That is the only thing OP has posted about her wishes. Where are you reading this 'manipulation'? Are you assuming from your own experiences?

She was only 12 when she found out the wrong way, obviously had her nose put out and could have been fed a whole strong of lies by her mum or who ever. Either way she took it badly at a point in her life she was very vulnerable.

I'd work from a base of love, compassion, mutual respect, acceptance, moving forward, building bridges.

No one knows what happened, how she found out. Someone could have made a stupid comment that really impacted her. Obviously DH is hurt too because he shut out and he may not even have the full story as to why.

The relationship may not be beyond repair, maybe bonding with her sisters could help her open up about why she cut him out.

OP, I say meet in a neutral place, no talking about the past, no negativity in front of your DD's.

All DSD's actions were because she was hurting inside.

I'd work from a base of love, compassion, mutual respect, acceptance, moving forward, building bridges.

Yep. Totally agree with this

Well I guess she could be a manipulative little madam. How much nicer if we all gave her the benefit of the doubt and saw it as her way of trying to build bridges. Best to try and see the good in situations when you have no real reason to think there is any ulterior motive.

Did the ex wife have an issue with your new family - could she have badmouthed DH for years, so DD doesnt really trust him? We just dont know how the family dynamic worked when she was very impressionable 11/12 yo.

Id also allow her to meet your kids, as often as she wants, but speak warmly about your DH and how he would love to re-establish an adult relationship with her when she is ready.

Has your DH tried to reach out, tell her that the door is still open and that he will always love her and she'd be welcome at yours at any time?

Even an email or letter telling her would be a start.

OP, you sound nice trying to handle a difficult situation.

It is hard when your parent starts a shiny new family when you are just 12, she kicked off, yeah maybe she shouldn't have, but she was very, and still is fairly, young. You feel like they've left you and replaced you, even if that wasn't the case. It feels like an insult even though it isn't. At 12, she couldn't know the complexities of adult relationships and probably still felt she should be the centre of things.

As pp have said, she is the child in this relationship and your DH is the parent, he should give her some leeway. This could be a good development to repairing their relationship.

I imagine it would be hard to initiate contact her Dad first, embarrassment, shyness, whatever. You're approachable and FB is how many young people communicate. It's worth giving her a chance.

You would be very unreasonable to hold her sisters to ransom to blackmail her into a relationship with her father. I have half--siblings. At various points for various reasons (usually divorce/abandonment/general hurt issues) they were NC with our mum.

My mum would NEVER have used my relationship with them to blackmail them into seeing her. I expect if she had, none of us would ever have recovered. As it is, they all came round in the end - with love, patience and understanding.

If my mum had denied me a relationship with my half siblings because they went NC at the age of 12 (!!) I doubt I would ever have forgiven her.

You need to be open, patient and understanding. If you start by setting conditions on your DDs and DSD's relationship, you'll end up losing the lot of them when they're old enough to understand

The number of threads you see on MN where the heartbroken mother worrying about contact for the kids with ex is told 'Once they are 12 or 13 they can make their own minds up about whether they see their Dad'... Now we have a child who has done just that and is being labelled a cunt?

The fact she has made contact at all and wants a relationship with her half-sisters shows that she is seemingly maturing and thinking about people other than herself. OP's DH should try putting all his daughters first for once.

Let DSD meet your dad, but make plain to DSD that your dh knows about meetings and initially monitor it as you don't want her bad mouthing your DH to your young DD's
After a few visits suggest she sees dh for a chat and discuss what happened 6 years ago. I am not sure what happens if she still does not want to see dh, as you don't want dsd getting you against dh.

I can see why she doesn't want contact with her dad.

Only a cruel person would keep these children from having a chance at a relationship.

I have half siblings from my dads previous marriage. I am in no circumstances ever to meet them or really have contact with any, despite one of them contacting me years ago via Facebook.

I would love to get to know them but I can't and I am a tad resentful because I am an only and wanted nothing more than a sibling. However I love my dad greatly and therefore respect his wishes.

I wouldn't wamt your children feeling like I do, as long as her intentions are good and not just to get at her dad. Good luck x

Thanks for all the replies

Glad no one thinks I'm awful (yet)

Yes dh will be fully aware of any meetings and his dd will know that

Looks like we are possibly meeting Saturday

let the meetings go ahead but supervise them as you really dont want your DSD bad mouthing your DH to your young impresinable children but keep your DH in the loop.

When i was younger I had a half sister that went NC with my dad because her mum had basically told her a ton of lies that my father had cheated on her mother etc (when in fact it was the other way around)

And my older half sister was super cool had tatoo's etc but after a few meetings she would start to bad mouth dad saying he was a nasty man cheated on her mother not paid maintance / refused to see her etc and posioned my relasitionship with my father (i was 12 at the time so was not mature enough to see that she was playing games (she was 21 at the time) and it was not until i was 18/19 that i finally saw through her lies as I had matured and released her explainastions / stories did not add up

(mum and dad had court papers trying to get contact/ evidence that he was paying maintance and finally the true story of what destoryed my father's first marrage)

I cannot forgive my half sister for the web of lies that the spun to me and my siblings that damaged our realonstionship with our dad just to hurt my father because he left her mother

Sorry for my life story but I thought my exerpence could be helpful in understanding why I think contact between the half sibling is good but to
maintain (atleast for the a period of time) that visits should be superivised closely until bridges have been built with your DH (aka no sleep overs by themseleves/ shoping trips alone for awhile and until you are sure she wont true to posion your DDs releantionship with your DH

I can't believe people are saying the stepdaughter is manipulative and a cunt! For a start, we don't know exactly why she chose to go NC - her perception of what happened might be a lot different. And secondly, would you like to be judged for the rest of your life based on how you acted when you were 12?!

DH is the adult here. He needs to be patient and understand she was/is a hurt kid.
You sound as if you can present a fair hearing for both of them and I'm sure you can facilitate a relationship between them over time, by communicating and showing empathy for both of them and making them see each other's viewpoints. Good luck op. DH just needs to realise he needs to work at it and realise she is hurting and put her feelings above his own, especially initially.

But yes, make sure she is not bad mouthing him to your kids.

To those saying that the relationships are separate, they are not they are intrinsically linked.

and lets not forget that the eldest DD doesn't want to meet up.