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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 14:10

Yes that might be a good idea re just meeting up with her for a while

Although might seem weird as I'm technically no relation as such, I'm not really even a stepmum as I haven't helped raise her etc

OP posts:
TheEggityOddity · 05/04/2015 14:19

It is very common for children to hate the parent that left the family home as a show of love and solidarity for the parent that stayed and look after them and was usually the innocent party. She probably wouldn't tell her mum if her feelings had changed or she had gained perspective with age as she would feel disloyal to her mother. I really think she deserves a chance to get her family back. I feel so sad for this girl.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 14:20

Also just saw, Someone upthread asked what dh ex's abuse consisted of...it was mainly along lines of how dare dh replace dsd with his new family, that we'd ruined dsd life etc. he rest was calling me names and piss taking about mine and dh age difference (as dh ten years older than me) also exw wasn't happy when dh got with me as I already had a little ds from a prev relationship (he's ten now) and she kept saying things like we were dh "new" family (even though ds has his own lovely, involved dad)

And yes tali she did wish my kids dead Sad (imo how ever much you hate someone that's not on)

OP posts:
maccie · 05/04/2015 14:20

White has your DH not thought about messaging your DSD himself through your Facebook page ?

Just a short hello message saying he's here if she wants to make contact this way instead of friend requesting him which she may not be ready to publicly show.

That could allow you to back away and leave them to set the pace.

maccie · 05/04/2015 14:32

Well if that is what the ex was saying to you and DH then you can pretty much guarantee that DSD grew up hearing the same. Poor girl.

It's a good job she is strong willed as you describe as I don't think this is going to be an easy time if she has to stand up to her mum.

I hope your DH can be understanding about how difficult this will be for her to question what she has been told by her mother for such a long time.

SunshineAndShadows · 05/04/2015 15:08

Well done for being so patient White Out of interest why didn't your DH go to court for contact? Are you DSD cut contact or could it have been her mum blocking? It sounds very much as if she could have experienced the situation quite differently and thought it was your DH that went NC.

It's a shame that she didn't let you know sooner yesterday but lots of work places don't allow mobiles so also understandable, and nice that she wanted to try and meet you later.

You're doing a great job of handling this

MyArksNotReady · 05/04/2015 15:13

That's horrible to wish your dc dead. Sad

I hated what ex and his gf did, they had an affair and denied this to others amongst other lies. As angry as I was at them I kept it to myself my dc didn't hear it.

Sallystyle · 05/04/2015 15:18

Great post from Middleaged

Looks like you are going to be getting your daughters involved in a shit storm while upsetting your husband and going behind his wishes, when he probably has genuine reasons to fear this situation. Maybe he knows what his ex is like and how this may effect your children, but you aren't allowing him the option of stopping this are you? Perhaps he knows better than you how this might end and the harm it might cause.

This will probably end in tears or with a lot of drama from his ex at the very least.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 18:09

I know but I still think that if she wants to see her half sisters she should be allowed to

And I really do understand DH point of view, it must be so hurtful to have one of his dc not want to see him, but they want to see his other kids....but I can't help thinking part of his reasons for being so negative about it all is annoyance she doesn't want to see him atm

Also Dsd is an adult and can make her own decisions, if it was me at 18 I would never have stood for anyone else trying to influence me or tell me I can't do something

Really do appreciate all the replies Thanks

OP posts:
SunshineAndShadows · 05/04/2015 21:05

I think it's alsoo important to recognise that your DDs have a right to know their sister. Pretending she doesn't exist or blocking her attempts at contact won't achieve anything in the long run

ljny · 06/04/2015 04:07

You may not be 'technically' related but she's the sister of your children.

I think you're being very sensitive and sensible. DSD is a young adult in a very hard place, she must feel conflicted. Fantastic of you to keep the channels open.

It's likely frightening for her to go against her mum and everything she's been taught about her dad and your family. I suspect her young sisters feel easier to her than her dad.

Hopefully she will eventually meet them - possibly after a few false starts. Even better if that leads to some kind of relationship with her dad, once he calms down.

They are all very lucky to have you.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 06/04/2015 08:07

Definitely agree there sunshine and shadows ....I think would just add to her feelings of rejection

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 06/04/2015 08:07

And thanks ljny that means a lot

OP posts:
wannaBe · 06/04/2015 14:33

I'm Confused in the beginning of this thread you said that you had been in contact with the dss on fb and were meeting her on Saturday. You have let your dh be ripped apart on here for being upset that you have gone behind his back in forging a relationship with his dd and others have said that she is clearly manipulative.

And since she has done a no show on Saturday you have drip-fed into the thread that you actually met up with her several months ago and that the dm made it difficult for your dh to see his dd when you got together, and kicked off when she found out that you had met up with her, has wished your children dead and all sorts of other unpleasant things.

How can people possibly give an objective view when you are drip-feeding the story in this way? Hmm

tbh I think that you are unreasonable to act as a go-between here. Your dh has done nothing wrong, and by caluding with her you are essentially aiding th the mother's part in all this by allowing your dh to be left out of the equation. And you are bringing your small children into this. I would make it known to her in no uncertain terms that your dh was not all the things her mother has said he is, and that he wants a relationship with her and always has done, and that you won't support her decision for no contact based on something her mother has said.

And keep the kids out of it until things are sorted between the adults.

Sallystyle · 06/04/2015 14:48

Agree again with wannabe.

I won't be shocked if this puts a serious dent in your marriage. Although with how happy you were to let people rip into your husband because of your drip feed I guess you don't care too much.

Who on earth thinks it is a good idea to get involved in this shit storm, with an insane ex on the scene who has already wished your kids dead, and knowing your husband is going to end up with more hurt?

This is far more complex than others are making out. I don't think it is right you being the go between and I would let your husband deal with HIS child how he sees fit. Yeah, she is your kids sister but that is not a good enough reason imo to drag this shit up and get involved in a situation that will cause high drama and more hurt for your husband.

She is still writing messages on twitter slagging you off? Yeah, your family are going to go through hell and back with her and your husband doesn't want this to happen because he knows what she is like, but his feelings don't really matter do they?

My main priority would be to protect my kids from his ex and her drama. Not get them involved in it, because like it or not, they will be.

Sallystyle · 06/04/2015 14:50

I would make it known to her in no uncertain terms that your dh was not all the things her mother has said he is, and that he wants a relationship with her and always has done, and that you won't support her decision for no contact based on something her mother has said.

I agree with this bit especially.

letscookbreakfast · 06/04/2015 16:38

OP, why are you happy for your husband to be torn a new one by certain members?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 06/04/2015 18:43

Wannabe Drip feeding!??

I was simply answering questions as they came up, so no I have not been drip feeding at all IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 06/04/2015 18:47

So I should just go in there with DSD calling her mother a liar should I?

That would go down brilliantly I'm sure.

OP posts:
CallMeMaybe · 06/04/2015 19:04

oh come on op, you mentioned that your dsd had found out about the baby before her dad had had a chance to tell her, presumably from her mother. And you didn't think it relevant to mention this fact? really? Hmm even when posters on here were throwing the blame squarely at his door saying that the reason the dsd is manipulative is presumably because of the arsehole of a father she has (not exact words but ykwim) at no point did you correct these misassumptions and point out the abuse that had occurred on the part of the mother during the process to try and show your dh in less of a bad light?

Let's look at this from your dh's perspective shall we? He gets divorced from what sounds like an abusive woman, who makes it very difficult for him to see his child, and wishes his subsequent children dead. And instead of supporting him, his new wife essentially sides with his ex wife by going along with the sharade that he has done wrong by his daughter, and goes behind his back to forge a relationship with her while supporting her decision to not have a relationship with her father even though there is no reason for this not to be the case other than the ex wife who has wished your children dead having said so.

You are no better than his ex, and if your dh posted this on here from his side posters would be advising him to ltb and to do everything to protect his children from this situation.

Awadebumbo · 06/04/2015 19:09

White I think that you should have not got involved at all and made it clear to your DSD that this is something she would have to discuss with her father. Even if it was just to organise contact with your children.
I think by allowing her to circumvent her father to see her siblings confirms in her mind that her mother was right about him.
And also all those saying he should have gone to court for access, do you know what sanctions are in place resident parents that allow their children to turn up for court appointed nothing. So what would be the point?

YvetteChauvire · 06/04/2015 20:42

OP, on one hand I think that you are lovely to encourage a relationship between your children and this young woman, but on the other hand I can't help feeling uncomfortable about the way you allowed poster after poster on this thread to seriously vilify your husband when there was the massive backstory that you only shared later; a backstory that would have allowed us to see him in a fairer light? You did not, at any point, stick up for him. It is clear you are not supporting him in real life either. Does he deserve this? He must feel completely powerless - first his ex manipulated their daughter so much she broke off contact with him, now you have unilaterally decided that his feelings and experiences are not as important as those of a woman you are only recently acquainted with.

Do you even know his daughter? What her intentions are? Can you trust her not to drive a wedge in your family unit? Do you believe she is free of her mothers influence? Do you not think that she may want to hurt her father for abandoning her? Do you know how her mother's bile has affected her?

History is repeating itself, but now you are also colluding with the ex and daughter to exclude your husband from his family.

The daughter is an adult and should be treated as such. Why do you fear telling her the truth about the damage her mother inflicted? Is it that she is too immature to handle the truth or do you believe that her mother's lies had such a profound effect that she would not believe you? Your husband's ex was abusive to him and you and your children. She sounds incredibly twisted - she wished your children dead. Without openness how can you feel secure in the relationship this woman will build with your children?

My suggestion would have been that instead of involving your children now, speak to your husband properly. He may be being incredibly petulant but that may be masking a world of pain. Imagine losing your child? Try to understand the devastation he has felt the last 6 years. Perhaps then you alone get to know his daughter. Understand her experiences, build a rapport, mutual respect and trust. Then she may be ready to hear about the truth of what happened when she was 12. She may begin to have some sympathy for her father's position. It would be a start. I think that there was a very good opportunity for her to become part of your family (including your husband), but I think you have made a mistake in the way you have handled this.

Sallystyle · 06/04/2015 21:05

You don't sound like you like your husband much. Didn't drip feed? leaving out that she has been abusive is a pretty big drip feed.

And yes, if my husband did this to me I would probably LTB. Someone who is happy to let people come to the wrong conclusions about me, gets involved in a situation which makes it possible for his ex wife to start shit and threaten my kids, who does what he wants in regards to MY child against my wishes isn't someone I would want to remain married to. You allowed people to slag him off without giving any correct information and you were happy to have people make him out as an arsehole while sucking up the posts where people were telling you how amazing you are for not listening to him and going ahead.

I am still shocked anyone still thinks you handled this wonderfully.

Sallystyle · 06/04/2015 21:06

He gets divorced from what sounds like an abusive woman, who makes it very difficult for him to see his child, and wishes his subsequent children dead. And instead of supporting him, his new wife essentially sides with his ex wife by going along with the sharade that he has done wrong by his daughter, and goes behind his back to forge a relationship with her while supporting her decision to not have a relationship with her father even though there is no reason for this not to be the case other than the ex wife who has wished your children dead having said so.

Exactly this.

WottaMess · 06/04/2015 21:07

Just scanned the thread and wanted to add a bit of personal experience. Different in that we were all older but still... I have 3 half siblings from my dads previous marriage. The eldest has always stayed in touch. The others went nc with my dad before I was born. Our gran (dads mum) used to call all of us weekly and update us all on what was going on. When she died I was 19 and my middle sister 30 something. She wrote then saying that with gran gone she realised she might not hear about me again and didn't want that to happen - that if I wanted to get in touch then she and the family would like that. I still remember meeting her and my 2 young nieces that first time. But slowly we have built a relationship. Not as close as my other sibling but there nonetheless. And years later she has even been prepared to meet with my dad. We got there eventually. So it can work if things are taken at face value and given time. Hope it works out for you all.

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