my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

[WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans]

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

I think it would be unkind to deny this young lady contact with her siblings.

Its akin to punishing her for a decision she made as a hurt child. & no matter what, there is no way to know the ins and outs of what truly happened, OP - you only know what your DH has told you. Also, paying maintenance etc is all very above board and correct but, a child's mind isn't focusing on that in the way that an adult mind would.

I think if she still doesn't want to see her dad then she shouldn't be punished for it. The relationship with her siblings is a different thing, it shouldn't be blocked

To be honest your DH sounds very harsh and unforgiving towards his daughter. Is she to be held to account for her reactions as a child for the rest of her life? He needs to see its not all about him.

You sound a fair person OP, hopefully this can be sorted out. Good luck

UPDATE

Am deffo meeting her tomorrow but dh is being vile to me

I have showed him this thread and he basically doesn't agree with anyone other than the ones saying his dd is being manipulative (which she may well be being, but let's give her benefit of doubt eh?)

He is giving me silent treatment and with drawing affection

We were meant to be having a nice day today, both off work and dc at home

In his eyes this is "her" spoiling things though.::: as when I've tried to talk to him he says " look she's just causing trouble as look we are arguing and I'm unhappy" (But I don't even want to argue it's him) he's also saying "no one is considering MY feelings" (ie his feelings)

Help

Oh no! I had hoped he was just having a knee jerk reaction and would have calmed down after some time to think logically/rationally. I get that he is hurt but he really needs to get ove what happened before and look to the future. She was a hurt child, he cant seriously hold her accountable for reacting how she did? He was partly to blame too. He will regret this. You only get your child the once, he has missed a lot already. He is very foolish to fuck that up again over his own pride.

Its disappointing he is taking that attitude and can't see things from his daughter's point if view. He is the one spoiling today.
OP-I think that you are really doing your best here and I'm sorry you are in the middle.
As far as you can, avoid passing messages and getting triangulated.
If she asks after her Dad and how he feels about things suggest she e-mails him. If he inquires about her tell him to contact her himself. Don't get shot as the messenger if you can help it.
I would just be nice and friendly and let her get to know her sisters.

Hes obviously very hurt and when most men are really hurt they can be vile.

Ask him to tell you why he is so angry and don't accept any stupid answers. Also tell him hes stupidness could alienate all of his daughters.

Help?
He sounds like a petulant child, so I'd treat him the same way. Ignore the vile comments and point out that he's being immature and selfish and that if
'he has always tried to keep the door open for her, as it were. and he has always paid maintenance and given her pocket money etc' then he should be happy that you are trying to help improve the relationship between them, one step at a time.

If he's not being affectionate, hug your children instead until he sees reason. Don't give way to emotional blackmail.
But really, is he self-centred and whiney about other things when his feelings have been hurt? Does he find being a mature adult dificult? Parenting children is tough, parenting teenagers is tougher in many ways involving your self-esteem.

Surely she went NC with her father because she felt he had betrayed her/rejected her/broken up their family/etc and then replaced her with a new baby and her mum with a new partner - with reasonable justification as a 12 year old even if there were other factors involved.
So it seems reasonable to me that she might still be upset about that (for the rest of her life, in fact), but have eventually got out of denial that she now has sisters (maybe when your dd2 was born it produced more curiosity and less 'well I am not going to acknowledge my usurper') and so she is now curious about them and would like to meet these people she is quite closely related to, especially as she is practically an only child despite having two siblings.
In this paradigm, the NC with her father is the equitable response to what he did to her, and cancels out (so why would she stop being NC with him unless he is going to apologise/fix it in some way), and then as a totally different matter there is a different relationship with the DCs which she'd now be interested in taking up.

Oh I should also add she is not an only child, (I mean apart from my dds of course)her mum has older dc from her first marriage. They are adult men though, although she did live with them when they were younger

Agree dh is behaving like a child

What does he think, that I'll say, oh you're being a mardy arse so I'm not going to meet her now

'What does he think, that I'll say, oh you're being a mardy arse so I'm not going to meet her now '

Yup, along with 'No one thinks of my feeeelings, no one cares '
Like a teenager. My two are 20 and 24. I remember those days, but they grew up. Well, mostly. Everyone has moments of self-pity and friends and relatives to tell us to get a grip.

Op you sound lovely and a great Mum. Your DH sounds like an immature child himself, I think it's great you are giving your DSD a chance to get to know her siblings. It's a shame her own Father doesn't see it like that.

We are in this situation, please do not blame her for anything. She is still only 18. She is just coming to adulthood. Obviously it is a very difficult relationship all round both for you and her and your DH.

If she begins a relationship with you and your DC, surely a relationship with your DH will follow bit by bit. It takes time. At least she is showing willing.

Your DH needs not to project adult maturity on to this 18 year old, or his take out his own bitterness on her about what has happened in the past. She was and is a child.

Stop looking for blame and retribution and look forward to what could be a satisfying and worthwhile relationship.

If only our lot would be the same! Ours are all incredibly angry with one another. What a bag full of monkeys a Divorce can be.

not read all the thread sorry if ive missed something but after the birth of your children did he make enough of an effort into regaining a relationship with her? if you honestly put yourself in the childs mothers shoes how would you feel about him did he do right by his child in your opinion or not?

ive a different scenario my ex wants nothing to do with his daughter has moved on and had more children of course if asked he will say i love and miss my daughter but reality is no contact for 11+ years apart from one phone call instigated by his wife his mom saw my dd on the bus the other day and sure enough his wife has friends requested me on facebook NOT HIM im tired of him blaming me for him not having a relationship with his daughter i bent over backwards to accommodate him he threw it back in my face over and over again till i told him enough see her fridays after school or not at all he chose not at all he never took me to court never asked about her no phone call (i kept my numbers for 9 years he had plenty of time) he knows where i live he has always known where i live he just doesnt care

she wants to meet her sibs when they are older

That's awful chicken no to be fair to him he did make a lot of effort but she just didn't want to see him

And hole I don't blame her for anything

She is a grown woman she works, she drives, she is at uni, but I know from chatting to her she is still very hurt from the past

I don't want to say anything bad about her mum but I do wonder if she has influenced her in any way

OP, I was in a similar situation as your Dsd. Long story short, My parents had a messy divorce, very shortly after, myself aged 15 and my younger DBs found out on the grapevine that my dad was having another child. I was furious, that he didn't have the decency to tell us himself, and took it as a sign he was choosing his new family over us. I vowed to not speak to my dad, or my half sister. So I can relate to your Dsd. However unlike your DH,my dad decided nc was not an option and would not allow it while I was so young. I met my sister when she was 18 months and haven't looked back. Despite the age gap, we adore each other and it will probably be the same for your dds and dsd. Being/having a much older sister is a joy and they will all benefit. So much time has passed your Dsd probably feels awkward around your DH and meeting her sisters is probably a stepping stone towards repairing that relationship too. Good luck op, tricky situation but it will all work out!

White, you actually knew about your pregnancy before your DSD did?

Do you know who actually told her?

Oh just caught up on the rest of the thread, sorry. Thrilled that your allowing them to meet. Why an earth is your DH giving you a hard time, he should be grateful that you are embracing your Dsd and trying to rebuild the relationship, despite a tricky start. Silly man. More for you!

I'm really shocked at how harsh some of the comments are regarding an 18 year old girl. Yes, legally an adult, but I was personally not very adult at 18 and I don't think I am unique in that. I made some very silly choices, I don't think I was very grown up until my mid twenties. I think that the adult here is your DH and he is behaving like a child-Out of interest how much effort has he put into seeing his DD? Did he just take her at her word and not see her, or did he keep trying, keep calling, writing, popping over to see her etc? She was 11/12 when she reacted in a quite understandable way to the news of a new sibling, that is very young, and I wonder what help and support she got at the time? OP you sound kind and sensible, and I think if anything salvages this situation without adding yet more layers of hurt feelings, it will be your generous and pragmatic attitude. Your DH needs to man up and be a father to all his children, and I hope all goes well with the sibling meet up. for you.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that your husband is behaving like that. Actually, even if she were manipulative, which I doubt, she is still his daughter and his responsability.

I am in my late twenties and grew up with both my parents together, it is only in the last few years since becoming a parent myself that i have been able to see why my parents did somethings they did and how hard it must have been for them when i was a teen. I held a lot of anger towards them for a long time when really we were all just trying to navigate my teen years without a map or compass. It was hard for us all and i am embarrassed now by how much i blamed them for what was a difficult time. Yes they made mistakes but all parents do and it is only through maturity and being a parent that i have been able to forgive them their mistakes. Your step daughter is probably still getting there and it really sounds like shes making steps to heal the rift. At 18 she might still be a bit clumsy about how she goes about it but it really is great that she has made the first step. DH needs to see this gor what it is or he will do long term damage to his relationship with her and possibly her relationship with her sisters.

I didn't realise your children already knew about her - ignore that bit then.

It doesn't sound like he's 'leaving the door open' to be honest. He has decided that his 18year old daughter who he has had no contact with for several years is being manipulative. How does he know? He doesn't know what she's like.

If she is being manipulative (I don't know why she would as we know nothing about her life / circumstances) then she will use his actions against him in the future whatever he does.

If she now wants contact with her siblings and thinks that this might be a way back into a relationship with him as well, then his words and actions now will cause more problems in the future.

From what you've said it sounds like her wants her to come to him and say 'Sorry I was angry with you when I felt you hurt me' without him saying 'I'm sorry you felt I hurt you' back to her.

He's the one that's being manipulative towards you: for withdrawing affection from you and giving you the silent treatment because of the actions of his daughter.

You're doing a great job OP. Your husband is behaving like a dick. Does he seriously want to deny his daughters a relationship? How selfish.

Why is his default assumption to think the worst of his daughter and her desire to see her little half-sisters? He's coming across as very bitter and spiteful.

I hope tomorrow goes well and you H doesn't ruin anything. He really should be facilitating and supporting as much as possible if he wants to develop a relationship with his eldest daughter. If he behaves like this, I'm not really surprised she doesn't want to see him. Is he planning on punishing her for the rest of her life for a decision she made when she was 12?

Your DH is being a fucking numpty!

It sounds to me as though DSD is looking to build bridges... meet her sisters and you first as a neutral 'in' and find out the lie of the land, then probably agree to meet her dad in time.

Why do you think he's behaving so childishly?

I'm an SM, and I know that my DH would be glad of any contact even if he was not included. Your dh is behaving very oddly and you are doing the right thing. I would keep it as calm as you can and just hope your dh gets his act together in time

Props to you, OP. You are giving your dsd a way in without forcing her to go through her clearly stubborn father. You are behaving with maturity and kindness, and your children are very lucky. Your husband on the other hand...