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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:

NewMrsX · 02/04/2015 21:46

I'm in a similar situation to this. I don't see my biological dad as he was violent to my mum when I was younger and I can't get past watching him do that.

He's since had 2 more children. One is a baby and one is primary aged. I see them regularly arranged through his new partner. We just don't talk about him. She knows how I feel and understands my reasons for not wanting anything to do with him. It's worked out really well for us.

He's aware I have a relationship with them and I actually respect him more for not trying to interfere

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 21:49

The relationships are separate in that the older DD can have relationship with her sisters completely independantly of her father. She can maintain separate relationships with both despite the fact she is only related to the younger girls through her father.

and lets not forget that the eldest DD doesn't want to meet up.

Which DD are you talking about? I cant see where OP says whether her DDs have an opinion on meeting up.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 21:51

I have a very close relationship with my cousin despite being NC with her mother, my mum's sister.

Embolio · 02/04/2015 21:58

Hmm, I am NC with my father and have 2 half siblings I would like to meet (although we are all adults). My parents divorced when I was 18 months old following his infidelity during my mums pregnancy and when I was a baby. He never paid any maintenance or showed any interest in contact until my paternal grandfather ( who I did see) died when I was in my early 20's.
I met him and he was nice, but he was very full on about loving me and I had always been his daughter and blah blah.... And I just felt very overwhelmed and angry - because of he loved me that much he would have tried to see me, yes? Or have sent me a birthday card once in 25 years. I felt he had cheated us both out of the relationship we could have had by not even trying, not pushing for contact.

I told him I didn't think I had room in my life for him and I know that hurt him. Having had my own children since then I do regret it a bit, I think I was harsh and could have dealt with it differently - I basically ran away when things were hard, just like him - Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I suppose. I often feel curious about my two half siblings and would like to meet them but probably the consequence of my actions is that any contact from me wouldn't be welcome.

Any way - people do things for all sorts of reasons, I say you can't judge an 18 year old for her actions when she was 12. Give her the benefit of the doubt until she proves otherwise. The sisters deserve to have a relationship, she might not know how to approach her father and this could be her way of doing that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/04/2015 22:06

apologies, I was sure that I had read that she didn't want to go.

But I stand by the post that they are not separate relationships. The 18 yr ols will be able to separate the relationship but the 6 yr old will have difficulties with it.

Or are we all expecting the 6 yr old not to talk about what they have done with their half sister?

TheEggityOddity · 02/04/2015 22:09

I would assume this is her way to slowly make her way back into the family. You have to believe that most people's intentions are good. She isn't doing this to be manipulative. She just probably has no idea about how to sort out the mess the same as you guys. I think it sounds like a nice way to begin honestly.

TheEggityOddity · 02/04/2015 22:12

Also, not very fair to be too precious with your own children and the threat that she may or may not say something derogatory about their dad after what you both put this girl through age 12. Nowhere near as hard to meet their step sister as it is to find out not only has your dad left you but he has started a new family and not told you.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 22:15

Or are we all expecting the 6 yr old not to talk about what they have done with their half sister?

Who suggested they shouldnt talk about it? my almost 6yo has friendships/relationships i am not involved in with people i have never met, he is still able to tell me about them.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/04/2015 22:19

"my almost 6yo has friendships/relationships i am not involved in with people"

Have any of those people cut you out of their lives?

If not its slightly different.

CrapBag · 02/04/2015 22:23

Personally I think she should build a relationship with her dad before your dds. What about when they ask her to come to their house? Or ask why she doesn't see her dad etc? Because they will ask these things.

I can see why your DH is hurt. It is hurtful. I don't think you should have been having this communication with her without involving her own father first.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 22:24

Some of them have actually, they are exp's family and we dont talk. However i am aware of the fact that i am an adult and my children are children and shouldnt be denied the ability to discuss their family/relationships just because i cant get over my own feelings towards said people. (which of course i can because i am an adult)

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/04/2015 22:28

SurlyCue

We will have to agree to disagree, I am very much of the same opinion as Crapbag.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 22:34

Ok but im not really sure what we are disagreeing on. I was just explaining how its possible for them to have separate relationships, as my DC do with some of their family and i do with some of mine.

AlpacaMyBags · 02/04/2015 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/04/2015 22:52

surly

The disagreement is that you believe that the children have separate relationships with the different groups.

Your children talk about it to you that is not separating the relationships, they have a different relationship but they are still involving you in the relationship that they have with people that you are NC with by talking to you about them.

Joyfulleastersquad · 02/04/2015 22:53

I would absolutly let them meet. There is 18 years between my two girls and they adore each other.

I would not push for anything in regards to her father. She is entitled to have her own personal feelings about that. I wouldn't make it a package deal .good luck

oddfodd · 02/04/2015 23:01

I think it sounds like you're handling it really well OP. Hope the meeting goes well - I'm sure it will be good for your DDs to have their big sister in their lives again and I'm sure she'll enjoy being part of theirs.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 23:02

And again i ask you who suggested OP's DCs shouldnt talk to their father about their relationship with their sister?

The relationships are separate in that they are independent of each other.

however · 03/04/2015 00:09

No brainer. Meet her, give her a message from her father : "I miss you, and would love to see you again.'

That's assuming he can be the grown up.

Anything else is just petty and prideful rubbish.

Coyoacan · 03/04/2015 02:01

Oh dear, just to add my bit. The NRP has, IMHO, a very difficult role when puberty hits in, the children often blow up and then there can be a long time before they meet up again. Unfortunately parents often seem to forget that they are the adult and get hurt and take it all so personally. If they only knew how many hateful things teenagers say to the their resident parents on a daily basis!

My dd was forever not wanting to see her father ever again, in fact they never had a good relationship until she became an adult but she needed him and eventually it worked out. Also we do not know what her mother has said to her. For example, a friend of mine is quite unreasonable about her ex's new family and says horrible things quite openly in front of her daughters.

OP, you sound like you have your head screwed on, do help you DH to act like a grown up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2015 02:10

Unfortunately parents often seem to forget that they are the adult and get hurt and take it all so personally. So true. The DD is just 18, having not had a relationship with her Dad for 6 years. Give her a chance.

OP you genuinely seem to care about everyone and are trying to do the right thing. Long may it continue.

nooka · 03/04/2015 02:40

I hope it goes well OP. As for what do you tell your older child, I'd advocate a simple approach, along the lines of their half sister was angry with their dad and didn't want to see him for a while, and she's not ready to be friends again yet but might be in the future. My dh and I separated for two years when our children were a similar age and accepted an explanation as simple as that. They'd need a whole load of details now they are in their teens, but small children tend to accept simple statements quite well, so long as they are delivered in a calm matter of fact way. If she asks for more I'd say that it's between her half sister and their dad to sort out, and not something for her to worry about.

Do make sure that your step-daughter knows that meeting your girls is contingent on being on her best behaviour, and to avoid talking about the past or her dad when they are together. I'd be surprised if she does in any case, sounds as if she is more likely to close down than anything else.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 02:59

I love how the first few posts vilify the teen when they have no idea what has gone on. Of course she is a baddy who only wants to hurt her siblings...could it be that she has been lied to by her mother her whole life & cut her father off because of that? She was 11/12 when she went nc & there would have been a lot of emotions surrounding that, and I don't believe it is solely to do with the new baby. I think perhaps her mum might have had something to say about it too.

As someone who went nc with her father...there was a lot of my mothers involvement behind that choice. Or perhaps involvement should say manipulation.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 03:29

it was a right mess when I was preg with our dd1, before dh had chance to tell her, she found out through the grapevine So others knew before her, I bet that hurt!

Sometimes we all have to live by the decisions we make. If she'd come back at eighteen having grown up then that would be one thing, but clearly she hasn't and therefore she doesn't get to call the shots. What? She was 12! My mother was a master manipulator with me when I was 12 & I didn't talk to my own father for over 10yrs because of her.

How the hell do you figure that this girl is a manipulator because she has asked to see her sisters?

OP, how has your dh kept the door open for her? What has he done in terms of contact with her? Giving her money isn't the same as proving he still wants her in his life & now he is acting like a wounded child because "he has always paid maintenance and given her pocket money etc"

Does he know you have been talking to her?
Has he asked you to pass on any messages about him wanting to see her/talk to her?

I hope your dh realises that his acceptance in allowing them all to meet could be a way of 'gaining' favour with her. Preventing her from seeing her sisters will not help his cause if he is hoping to reconcile with her. Giving it his full blessing will tell her that he is a good guy who is happy to have his older daughter in his younger children's life. Brownie points, if you like. You should be able to tell her that you & dh have discussed it & he is over the moon that all his children will be able to meet.

His actions now really will be the deciding factor as to whether him & his older daughter EVER reconcile.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 03:49

worridmum Raises a good point. The meeting should be neutral, no discussing dad's failings.

Make some ground rules. Slagging off dad is off limits. Hopefully she wont anyway.

Or are we all expecting the 6 yr old not to talk about what they have done with their half sister? I don't think anyone has said that...any father, no matter what has happened, would be a shit father to dismiss his children talking about having fun with their sibling. It might hurt him, but he smiles, he says how lovely it sounds to his younger children. Parents hide their feelings from their children all this time, this shouldn't be any different.

I can see why your DH is hurt. It is hurtful. Hang on, he is an adult, is he not? Is this more hurtful than finding out at 12 that you are about to be 'pushed aside' (this IS how a 12yr old will see it if not told by her parent) by a new baby? The feelings surrounding your father starting a new family are hard to handle as it is (my father had three more babies with his wife after my mum) without being told by someone else. He didn't take the opportunity to tell her how it wouldn't change anything between them, etc! Don't underestimate how hard being 12 is & going through a new baby on the scene!!

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