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Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 19:19

she needs to accept the fact that her earlier decision has caused pain that won't heal immediately.

Actually this is what id be saying to the DH, not the then 12yo who reacted naturally when she found out from someone else her dad was having another child.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 19:20

But she's no longer 12 that's the point she's an adult now its time to start behaving like one. If she has no problems with having siblings now she should have no problem in rebuilding her relationship with her father.

Happyringo · 02/04/2015 19:20

She was 12 at the time yes, but she isn't now. By asking to see the children but still being nc with the dad I agree she is being manipulative. She's an adult now. If she wants to build bridges the place to start is with her dad imo.

cakedcrusader · 02/04/2015 19:20

That must have hurt so much finding out like that Sad no wonder she felt pushed out.

I would let her see her sisters if I was in your position.

wannaBe · 02/04/2015 19:21

yes, she was twelve when she initially decided to go nc because of the sisters she didn't want, The manipulative bit is the fact that she has now decided that she wants contact with those sisters after all, but she is using her father's wife to facilitate that and to also facilitate the nc between her and her father.

Essentially everyone else is expected to go along with what she wants.

And what happens if she decides she doesn't want to regain contact with her father? What then? what position does that put her sisters in?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/04/2015 19:22

There must be a deeper reason for her not wanting to see her dad but to see her sisters, the reason she stopped seeing her dad.

Kvetch15 · 02/04/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 02/04/2015 19:23

well said surlycue the DH here needs to do some growing up, not have a strop. His first DD is obv very hurt. She is making the first move. Whats he going to to to make things better between them?

drudgetrudy · 02/04/2015 19:24

I can't see why she can't initially meet her sisters without meeting her father as long as he knows about it. If he is concerned ,has he considered reaching out to her and offering an olive branch-it would test the waters.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/04/2015 19:25

Bit unfair on the DH, we don't know the circumstances of DSD being told before he told her.

LittleBairn · 02/04/2015 19:26

Kvetch how did he fuck up?

By her finding out before he could tell her? That's hardly a crime worth years of NC. Any decent adult would be suitably ashamed of cutting out a parent for something so petty.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 02/04/2015 19:27

for all those saying the 18yo is an adult and should act like one. Really? this is a hurt damaged adult whose relationship with her father was broken when she was a vulnerable preteen, and needs rebuilding, maybe she is scared to death of being rejected - which will seem like rejected again to her.

Happyringo · 02/04/2015 19:27

tali why do you think there must be a deeper reason? Sometimes people can just be cunts, even kids

VeryVeryDarkGrey · 02/04/2015 19:27

Maybe she is still angry with her dad for the shitty way he treated her (as she probably sees it) but would like to get to know her half sisters. She was only 12 and 18 is still young i would give her the benefit of the doubt

Kvetch15 · 02/04/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2015 19:30

We already know he messed up with her finding out about the new baby.

Maybe there's more.

Some of you are being very harsh towards a 12 year-old child.

Sometimes people can just be cunts, even kids

And that's just vile.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 19:31

If she has no problems with having siblings now she should have no problem in rebuilding her relationship with her father.

If she wants to build bridges the place to start is with her dad imo.

No. The two relationships are separate. Many many adults are NC with their parents for a wide variety of reasons. Why should this person be held to a standard all the rest arent just so she can know her siblings? It is a valid decision to have no contact with anyone you choose not to have contact with. She should not be emotionally blackmailed into a relationship she isnt ready to be in.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 02/04/2015 19:32

Sometimes people can just be cunts, even kids Shock

seriously?? I've taught some very difficult uncooperative teens in my time and would never refer to even the trickiest of them in that manner.

wannaBe · 02/04/2015 19:32

well that depends. How exactly did she find out about dd1? Could it have been that e.g. a family member who was in the know before twelve weeks spoke out of turn? reality is that there would be people who might know about a pregnancy before a twelve year old even if that twelve year old was permanently resident iyswim.

We can't simply say that it is all down to the dh when we don't know the circumstances. And the reality is that she didn't want anything to do with her sisters regardless of whether she wanted anything to do with her father, let's not forget that bit.

SurlyCue · 02/04/2015 19:35

And the reality is that she didn't want anything to do with her sisters regardless of whether she wanted anything to do with her father, let's not forget that bit.

When she was 12! Did you process life changing information like a well balanced adult when you were 12?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 19:35

No. The two relationships are separate. Many many adults are NC with their parents for a wide variety of reasons. Why should this person be held to a standard all the rest arent just so she can know her siblings? It is a valid decision to have no contact with anyone you choose not to have contact with. She should not be emotionally blackmailed into a relationship she isnt ready to be in

^^ that's what I think

and I actually think that in time, she will see her dad

OP posts:
Happyringo · 02/04/2015 19:35

nanny I don't care if some stranger on the Internet thinks what I have written is 'vile'! When you experience this type of treatment in your family then it's hard to be impartial when someone else tells a similar story.

She's not a child now.

Anyway I'm stepping away from this thread as I think I'm probably projecting my own anger about our situation towards people I don't know...

madreloco · 02/04/2015 19:35

it was a right mess when I was preg with our dd1, before dh had chance to tell her, she found out through the grapevine

You mean he didn't bother to let her know before everyone else knew? No wonder she was upset.
He sounds like a bit of a dick, tbh. A 12 year old girl who ditches her dad usually has some very good reasons, theres no way he was dad of the year one minute and shut out the next. And he's proving that dickishness by not wanting her to see her sisters now.

wannaBe · 02/04/2015 19:36

so how far should she be allowed to manipulate this situation? At what point should the other children be told the truth as to why she and her father are not in contact?

She may have been twelve at the time but she is no longer a child. old enough to vote/get married/drive a car/become a parent. She is now responsible for her decisions.

Box5883284322679964228 · 02/04/2015 19:38

open the door and see the kids contact as initial first steps. She's still young and DH should be aiming to build bridges. You could probably help in part by saying how DH thinks so highly of her and how much he lives her