To be fed up with healthcare professionals

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

YANBU. Are you okay? x

under that sounds extremely tough I would imagine that the HCPs are genuinely concerned even if they are not expressing themselves sensitively. I am sure you will be able to do it you sound like a very determined person and those HCPs may surprise you and be an invaluable source of support.

It's not pathetic. If that's what you're feeling that's what you're feeling. However, it may come from a place of concern rather than judgement. As it's their duty to look after you, they sometimes have to ask those questions.

You say they don't have any solutions for you - what sort of things do you think you need solutions to? There might be people here who could offer a perspective on what you need help with.

On the flipside, I do get where you are coming from in many ways. I don't have any family either, and remember my HV coming across as a right nosey parker at times regarding this, DH's disability etc. And yep, it can come across patronising/irritating!

Thank you for letting me sound off!

It's things like:

What am I going to do with DCs 1 and 2 when giving birth to DC3

What will happen if I need to stay in hospital for a period of time?

How will I cope if I get post natal depression again

It's so awful. I was really rude earlier and that made things worse obviously but I just lost my patience :(

I think they're genuine and relevant questions to be fair. They will have your/your children's best interests at heart and, put frankly, it's their JOB to ask.

I know you've said you don't have any family, but do you have a good support network to help you out, OP?

Congrats on DC3 by the way !

No, I have no one.

They might be relevant questions but they aren't helpful if they just huff and sigh and tut are they? Sorry still cross but with them not you :)

The thing is, all those questions are really reasonable and things you as a team have to plan for to safely deliver your baby. The fact that they anger you suggests to me that you don't have a plan, and that would be a serious concern to any health care professional working with you.

You don't say how pregnant you are, but any plan that requires any state provided support will take months, so they need to understand your plans as soon as possible, to put support in place if you need them too.

No. They should at least be offering some support solutions for you to mull over. Get in touch with your local Home-Start - they'll be able to help, I'm sure.

Do the children have school friends. I have minded my children's frie ds when their mothers have has a baby. I think maybe looking at one question at a time may give you some breathing space instead of firing them at you like that.

No. No friends at all who can help. This is what they don't understand - no matter how many times you say you have no one they don't listen.

Plec the questions in themselves don't anger me but the way they are asked and the reactions when I say I don't know are not on. I'm 5 and a half months pregnant.

We can't win tbh. If we ask we are nosy, if we don't and no support is offered then we couldn't care less apparently.
It's hard to say without being there and hearing tone whether you are being over sensitive or not but they are trying up do their job not upset you.

They wouldn't be doing their jobs if they didn't ask such questions. Maybe they are sighing and tutting (not saying thats ok, but its understandable) if you aren't trying to actually answer these important questions, instead just getting annoyed about being asked, and being rude to them.

Do you have a plan for where your children will be when you go into hospital to have your baby? And where will they will be if you have to stay in? If not, perhaps you should redirect your attention to solving these problems WITH the people who are trying to help you?

But sharon, the OP's point is not that they are asking the questions but that when she answers them, they don't have anything helpful to say.

Of course you can 'win' - you can 'win' by saying 'oh that sounds tough' sympathetically and not incredulously saying 'NO ONE?'

You could speak kindly and not snappily.

You could make suggestions and then work with me to find a solution. You could not tut, eye roll, tap your pen and suck your teeth. It's not hard

Mad, I'm trying. But I cant do it alone which is why I desperately need help. I only got cross when I'd been spoken to like a piece of shit. I've cooperated throughout but I've had to say on some things 'I don't know can you help me?' and they won't?

Can you turn it round and say "so what is available for you to put in place?".

If they can't answer then ask them to refer you to someone who can help.

Absolutely reasonable questions to ask.

Yes it does sound tough but you obviously need to plan for how your going to manage labour with other DCs.

Op, I'm sure people will come along with some helpful suggestions here. I'm guessing ex isn't a contender for watching the DCs when you go into labour?

No, he can't have them alone.

Of course the questions in themselves are reasonable but it's the way they are asked and the way I'm treated like a naughty, irritating ten year old when I don't know the answers that upsets me.

The only solution is a nanny but that's dependent on a few factors and they don't like that. The what ifs are huge.

Thanks mrs. You always steady me somehow ;) come move in here.

No, honestly it's the way it's done. I dont mind them asking but as you say it is as if you will suddenly say 'oh yeah mum is actually just down the road!'

They just make it so plain they dislike me and it's so awful.

Can you try a local babysitting service, so kids can get used to them? I'm sorry I can't offer better advice. Btw yanbu health professionals can be very preachy and condescending, I don't blame you for losing your temper, you must be worried and need support

It's not that unusual at all. And there is help out there, but a lot of professionals aren't aware of what it is. Home-Start would be a good starting point, Op (if there is one in your area).