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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with healthcare professionals

185 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 15:52

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:03

Thank you :) it's good to know it is not just me!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/04/2015 17:03

It is their job to make sure you've thought about it.
You do need to think about it.
When people don't have family around - from either the mother or father's side of the extended family, then they tend to build a network of support and friendship around them. If you already have 2 other dc, then it seems likely that they go to playgroup or Nursery or school - so there is a whole network of people there to consider. Many people have work colleagues. Many people belong to a Church, or to something they volunteer with, or to a hobby, or are friendly with folks from the days before they had children, or their neighbours, and so on and so on. The point is, in not so many weeks time, you will be giving birth, so you will need to consider what you are going to do to make sure your older dc are OK.
The hcps are just doing their job in ensuring you have a plan to put in place, so yes, YABU.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/04/2015 17:04

under - I think I was on one of your threads the other day.

This sounds really hard. Is there anyway you could start your baby at nursery now? Sometimes the nursery workers will do as hoc baby sitting for parents. You could see if a couple of the nursery nurses in the baby room would do out of hours care if you were in labour once nursery shuts. They could look after DS too

Alternatively, can you find a mother's helper now or a child minder. Someone who would help out. Don't worry about what anyone thinks about your marriage breaking down. Fuck them. But you need help now.

If none of these are feasible, then make an appointment with the HV and tell them (followed up in writing) that you have absolutely no care in place so you want to speak to them now about what the local authority will do to assist and get it put in place. You call the meeting so you are in charge

curlyweasel · 02/04/2015 17:05

And what Back says too (for balance, like Wink )

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:07

Back, my eldest child isn't currently attending school. My baby is, well, a baby and doesn't go to nursery as I was/am a sahm.

Of course I am thinking about it, I've thought of little else and have a tentative solution but apparently that isn't good enough for them.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 02/04/2015 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:12

Just my decision; I really don't want to go down the legal route although I will if I have to - I am trying to keep everyone safe and everyone well.

I fail to see how eye rolling puts my welfare at the heart of what they do!

OP posts:
WrappedInABlankie · 02/04/2015 17:15

I'm sorry they treated you like that!

I would be the same if I didn't have my sister to have my DC.

DS's dad has a no contact order and his family have and never will meet him, DP's (not DS's bio dad) mum is an alcoholic and his siblings/dad living 3 hours away and I've never met them. I don't have friends, go to baby groups, he goes to nursery but I can't tell you a single name of another child or parent that goes there because I don't talk to them.

Thanks for you

DawnOfTheDoggers · 02/04/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/04/2015 17:16

under - the only thing that concerns me about about this is that it is your decision that the DCs' father can't see them unsupervised

I completely understand that there might be very valid reasons for this which are not for sharing here. But I just wanted to check that the HCPs know about them? I'm presuming so but just wondered if that is the reason they keep asking as they are confused as to why your ex can't step in?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:32

It might be but I do think when I've said several times that he can't then the time to keep asking needs to stop.

I'm not being deliberately obstructive at all: I was polite until they were rude.

Wrapped sorry to hear this for you too.

OP posts:
MrsWedgeAntilies · 02/04/2015 17:46

I had this very same attitude from HCPs when I lived in London.

I found it helped to take the problem to them, rather than let them ask you about it. I had real difficultly finding people who would see me with baby DS present until I went to my GP and told him that I couldn't get smears done, or get counselling or other services. He contacted a lot of the people who wouldn't see me and discussed with them that although not ideal it was the only way I'd be able to access services and after that it was a lot easier.

I'd also thoroughly recommend a doula, ours was amazing. It just takes a lot of the pressure off. A lot of them will come round and do a bit of caring/cooking after the birth as well. You might find that would be enough for you to get through. They are quite pricey and we only used the in hospital bit but she was lovely and actually one of the cheapest we'd found, I'll PM the details if you'd like.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:47

Thank you but I'm not too worried about the birth - it's the care of the other children.

Thanks, though :)

OP posts:
MrsWedgeAntilies · 02/04/2015 17:57

Its horrible though isn't it OP, you just feel like you're banging your head off a wall. Every time I took DS for a jag, the nurse would say I was due a smear test and I'd ask to book in and she'd tell me I couldn't bring DS then I'd say I couldn't organise child care for months in advance and she'd say I couldn't book in that far in advance and they couldn't guarantee an appointment if I did get someone to travel down, rinse and repeat.

Getting my GP on board really helped. I'm wracking my brains to think of what else we did, I'll be back if anything occurs to me.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 17:59

Thank you :) my GP isn't hugely helpful either Sad

I just feel like I've no one to fight my corner. It's awful.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/04/2015 18:09

under - I think it might be worthwhile giving them a little bit of background. At the moment, they maybe wondering why foster care (which it could be) with totally unknown carers is in the DCs' best interests when no reason has been given for why their dad can't have them

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 18:10

But I'm not putting them with foster carers :)

I just don't want to give them background as they wouldn't believe me or they'd try and say it was in my head and I can't give DH any more of that power.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 02/04/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2015 18:15

'This is what they don't understand - no matter how many times you say you have no one they don't listen. '

I went through this when pregnant with DC3. They still never believed me until I rocked up at the MLU, alone.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2015 18:16

Can you go for a homebirth?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 18:18

I would but I think I'd still need someone to watch over DD (she's not even 1 yet); DS should be ok.

Are you telling me my children nay be taken off me Dawn?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/04/2015 18:22

I'd try for a homebirth, tbh. I'm married, but with my 3rd DH had to stay with our other two so I had to give birth on my own, but didn't qualify for a homebirth was my blood pressure was too high.

And no, there was no one. It happens. It's more common than people think.

Went through the same thing when our child was sick 3 years ago.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 18:23

It's so traumatic to have to keep explaining yourself as well, I find Flowers

OP posts:
MyArksNotReady · 02/04/2015 18:23

I have had this too. Hardly the sort of environment to help you open up.

I think the issue is they are cross at your situation as it's not easy for them to find a ten minute solution. No prescription or referral to a colleague that takes a few minutes.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/04/2015 18:24

Apols - I've misunderstood. I thought the issue was that there was possibly no definitive plan for childcare for the elder DC whilst you gave birth and/or were in hospital, if needed? Hence why I was previously suggesting nursery etc because ultimately if there wasn't any care in place, foster care would be the only option

I'm a bit confused now as to what the HCPs' issues are then?