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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with healthcare professionals

185 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 15:52

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 20:26

I'm really sorry you're having such a bad experience, and I'm sorry they're not treating you well.

The questions though, they have to happen. Especially if you're at risk for post natal depression. I'm sure you already know that though.

Please report everything to PALs because they have no right to make you feel like that.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 20:29

I don't honestly mind and would even go as far as to say I welcome questions - it's the reactions to my answers that have really upset me :)

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 20:42

under that is a totally understandable reaction. My friend suffered a complete psychiatric breakdown after her baby was born and the HCPs could not understand how she could not just get her mother, who lived next door to just take over as she was completely incapable of looking after the baby, she was seriously ill. The thing was her mother would not do anything to help her at all and my friend was in no fit state to force her to help out. Support is only useful if it is actual support. Do no sucking teeth from HCPs but actual practical support is what you need, I get that. You will have to push them by the sounds of things which is unacceptable

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 21:31

Thank you. I am not sure if I need to interact with them - they just upset me and make me feel bad.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 21:41

From reading this thread Under I would be very concerned that you are at risk of suffering from depression given what you have been going through. I think for your children's sake despite the frustration you are experiencing you absolutely need to stay in touch with HCPs. Isolating yourself is really not a good idea especially as you say you have to get around to setting up your own support network when things settle down.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 21:43

I know what you're saying :) but I'm used to being alone to be honest. They are just upsetting me so much!

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 21:51

Well think of it as something you do for the kids because if things were tough for you at any stage they need a spare pair of eyes on them which is part of the role of the HCPs.

The old 'no one is an island' springs to mind and you certainly seem to be well able to engage on this thread so a RL version would be a doddle for you. That is why making your own support network won't be a bad thing. Once that is in place you can use them as the spare pair of eyes.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 21:57

It's easier said than done though :)

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 02/04/2015 22:22

Yep I can only imagine Grin

DazzleU · 02/04/2015 22:24

I know what you mean.

I had a network of friends for support but we had to move due to DH work and we moved to an area where people don't often move too - and everyone has several family members to turned to or people they grew up with and I found people sympathised with us but wouldn't actually help us.

HCP really pissed me off. I'd come form an area it had been routine to come to you and young DC at appointment were normal to somewhere I got told off like a small child for bring my existing DC to appointments.

DH couldn't get time off for every appointment and we had no one else - besides at end I was usually complimented on their good behaviour.

We went for a HB - but they made that really hard for us we really had to fight and not for medical reason. MW refused to believe only other option was me turning up in taxi by myself -as DH would have to have the DC.

We actually has a MW insist that I wouldn't be able to have a HB with our other DC in the house on a different floor as it was illegal Hmm - complete rubbish and we call them on that lie - actually they slept through it all in end.

I really hope someone come up with a solution for you - or you find someone to help. While your circumstances do sound very unfortunate your certainly not only person who encounter this or HCP attitude.

Actually like another poster I couldn't access service due to lack of childcare - including smear tests and bf support but got very little sympathy and no help to rectify that other than I should find someone to help. I had do without, find alternatives or wait till youngest started school - that was the smear test.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 22:31

It's such a relief it isn't just me! Flowers feel so much better.

The last six weeks have just been awful. My husband wouldn't let me have any friends and I know I'm partly to blame for this but it means I'm terribly isolated without family. I can hardly call people I haven't been permitted to speak to in years and say 'hey, can you care for my Dcs please?' Most of them haven't even met dd1.

I just feel so vulnerable without my family. I miss them so much. They were all dead by the time I was 30. Feels so unfair.

OP posts:
mindalina · 02/04/2015 23:08

for what's it worth if you were my friend who'd been isolated by her husband, and called me and told me this, I'd bend over backwards to help you, no matter how long it had been. if you used to have a really good friend, it might be worth reaching out. I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful to add, I hope things get better soon for you.

DamsonInDistress · 02/04/2015 23:20

Have to agree with Mindalina, if a friend I hadn't spoken to in years called or turned up one day asking to talk and said I'm desperate, end of the line desperate, I'd still help, especially to support her children. Try someone, honestly, you may be surprised.

duplodon · 02/04/2015 23:25

If you have any money, see what you can do in terms of buying in help. If this is at ALL possible, it will really ease your burden. You can get doulas who will mind yoir child and act as a mother's help after birth, trainee ones at much reduced rates. If you can access any talk therapy or even just a listening service right now it may also help you.

I am disappointed with some of the HCP responses here... Validation, empathy and warmth are your first priorities people not the long suffering 'ooh we can't do right for doing wrong' martyrdom shtick.

DazzleU · 02/04/2015 23:26

I do agree with mindalina if there was someone you were once close to they may well be pleased to help now.

I didn't find help with third pg and birth and because of that it didn't occur to me to ask people for help 12 months later when my DH was very badly hurt.

I did have a few offers direct to me but I assume they were serious ones. I was in serious head down coping mode and not wanting to deal with any disappointment or anything else - apparently I learnt later I had offended a fair few people who really wanted to help or were offend I hadn't approached them for help.

I don't find it easy to ask for help - but I think in future I would always at least try and ask.

DazzleU · 02/04/2015 23:28

assumed they weren't serious offers of help.

lemonyone · 02/04/2015 23:36

I remember you from a previous thread. I'm so glad that you didn't crack and go back to your ExH.

My DM had partner who controlled her for 20 years. She lost so many friends as he made sure of that. And you know, once she left the bastard you wouldn't believe how thrilled her friends were to 'have her back'. Please, get back in contact with them so you have support. I know they'll be happy to see you, as they were with her.

msgrinch · 03/04/2015 00:04

I'm sorry things are so hard for you. Please ask for support from professionals and old friends. I wish I was closer as I'd help Smile Thanks

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 07:01

Thanks. I can't really ask any old friends. Too much water under the bridge; I've been with him since I was 18, but thanks.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 07:15

I think the way to go about this is to have a plan a) and a plan b).

So, plan a) is the nanny. I would still consider a doula for you as they can be increadibly practically helpful at the hospital/home birth if nothing else. Then, if there is any issue with the nanny, I'm sure the doula would step in. Mine offered childcare etc post birth which I didn't need but she will essentually take on a mother's helper role after the birth if people want that so would be happy to assist during

For additional back up, I'd also look for a childminder/nursery and get DD used to them now too

I have a 13 month gap between my 2 year old DS and 1 year old DD. It is fine and doable but I put DS into nursery for 2 afternoons a week when DD was 3 months old to let me have some time with her/rest. I kind of wish I had done it a little bit earlier

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 07:20

But that would only work if I went into labour Monday-Friday 7-6 :) do you see what I mean? DD herself was born on a Saturday evening and my son arrived on a Friday at 11
o clock at night.

I'm just not going to see them again; I don't really need to and am healthy. I can sort this.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 07:24

No - a childminder will often help you out of hours. A doula definitely will

A nursery will help you during hours and, as I said in an earlier post, the nursery workers will often do out if hours baby sitting on an ad hoc basis.

It's about having as many options as possible

I'll stop posting now as I'm kind of getting the impression that any practical suggestions aren't the purpose of this thread. I hope you manage to resolve whatever the issues are

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 07:27

I'm sorry if I've offended you in some way gobblin. My intentions are hopefully to use a nanny or an au pair but I can't afford all these options - I can't have a nanny and a nursery/childminder and a doula. However, as things stand I can't really afford any of them and hence why I'm trying to move. Once I've moved, I have many more options which is what I was saying yesterday, but they didn't like that - I get the impression you don't either.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 07:43

You haven't offended me but I admit to finding your response to the practical suggestions on the thread (not just mine) quite puzzling

You wouldn't pay for all of the options together. So you would find a childminder who would take in an adhoc basis. Difficult, but not impossible if needs be and have a few sessions for DD. Same with the nursery. Settling in sessions at nurseries/childminders are usually free -so no cost bar the petrol to get there. If that's an issue, ask the HCPs if they can assist with petrol costs.

Do you know how much a doula actually costs? you could look into that before discounting it

Have you considered asking the GP/health visitor if there is any funding you could access for respite nursery or out of hours care?

I think ending up with foster carers or carers that your DC have never met before should be the very last option. Presumably the HCPs feel the same. What is it you want them to do? As I said earlier, why don't you arrange a meeting with them and tell them exactly what it is you want them to do/arrange that you can't/won't do? Then you are in a position of control and there shouldn't be any need for much questioning as you have set it out very clearly

Concern for your DC should not automatically be interpreted as dislike of you/the situation Confused

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 03/04/2015 07:50

Did you decide against an au pair in the end OP? I remember your other threads on this topic.

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