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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with healthcare professionals

185 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 15:52

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 03/04/2015 10:54

Aww please don't ever say that Thanks

wannabestressfree · 03/04/2015 11:02

Under it happened to me. I had ds1 and he is autistic and he was taken into foster care when I had ds2. There was no choice.
If you are the lady who has posted before about having properties I would buy in help and get your children settled now in childcare/ school. There mental health is as important as yours.
Please don't rage and get cross with me. I lived your life. And with no access to any money.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 11:05

Where have I said their mental health isn't important? It's comments like that which anger and frustrate me.

Incidentally, you haven't lived my life. There may be similarities but you haven't lived my life and I haven't lived yours.

OP posts:
mindalina · 03/04/2015 11:43

I think Sharon's suggestion to contact women's aid is a good one. I know it's shit to rehash something raw and painful but you can give them an outline and they will be much more understanding of your situation than the hcps seem to be. they may be able to point you in the direction of the help you need. but seriously, abuse is not your fault, no matter how long you stayed. especially if you were only 18 when you got with him, how the hell would you know any different at that age? I wish you all the best because your situation sounds awfully difficult and I know it's very hard when the ex is sloping around giving it all that 'I've changed' twaddle. Flowers

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 11:55

Thank you. At the moment he's just agreeing to anything and everything i say and I struggle with it so much as like I say I do still care for him in a way.

OP posts:
lemonyone · 03/04/2015 13:23

Please, don't break your resolve no matter how lovely your ex is being. As I know from my abusive stepfather, they are really capable of being very lovely from a distance, it's up close that suddenly the drip-drip of abuse begins again.

You've had good advice on here about back-up plans. I think it's important to have one, only because every pregnancy is different and there is no knowing what can happen. For example, i ended up in hospital with bed rest for the last 6 weeks of mine (didn't happen for the previous ones). I managed to have my DD with a childminder, friends, and DH (had no other family near us) so it wasn't too bad, but i needed a support network. I guess that is what the HVs are worried about. I'm not saying that will happen to you - but planning is a good thing. Perhaps I'm a bit of a 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' kind of person, but it's not a bad idea.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/04/2015 13:52

It's exactly this sort of questioning that upset me yesterday - the suggestion that I am disorganised/unwilling/obstructive and then when I get upset and protest I'm not I get tuts and disapproval."

Op, every single thread I see from you on any subject (even when you name change you give out so much info so you're easily recognisable btw) ends up the same way. If you interact with people in RL the way you interact on here, I'm not surprised at all by the reactions of your HCPs.

I don't wish to get into a discussion with you as I know exactly how it will go, just wanted to point this out, really for other posters whose generously give up time to respond to you. I recommend you start every post with the fact you are venting, that you don't want any practical suggestions or advice. I have no idea why you start all these threads, other than getting attention.

I also think you should ask yourself if you have such worries about your DH that you won't disclose, but that you can't leave your DC with him, why on earth do you give out such info and make yourself so recognisable?

rosedavo · 03/04/2015 19:09

Thats a shame, maybe they dont realise how they come across, obviously infuriating for you! Like you said you have to get on with it and im sure you can, have you looked into any support groups? Or even ask next time someone says a remark, " well actually i am struggling, can you tell me who can help me". Hope your ok

MyArksNotReady · 03/04/2015 19:18

Maybe op could let them know they need training. Though you can't train compassion into those who have none.

StarlingMurmuration · 03/04/2015 19:24

I've got to second the recommendation to get in touch with your local HomeStart organisation. I had a very difficult birth and a colicky baby with allergies, then developed PND, and my HomeStart volunteer has been a godsend. She's lovely, and makes such a difference to how I've coped.

WayfaringStranger · 03/04/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree · 03/04/2015 20:25

I really think you do yourself no favours and no I haven't lived your life I imagine mine was far worse.... I am disengaging with any of your numerous 'rantings/ventings/ attention seeking rubbish. You do what you need to do. The more you dig your heels in the worse you are going to come out of this and yes I can say that with authority.
I do think your neglecting your childrens needs.....

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 21:10

I also imagine yours was worse, hence my pointing out that you haven't lived my life.

Attention seeking? I stopped posting this afternoon: it is you who upped it just to tell me you weren't engaging. At least there is a point to my rants. However, point taken and I shan't be returning. It can be very supportive here hence why I've posted - some people did have some great ideas and suggestions which I'm grateful for but if something isn't workable it doesn't mean that I'm rude or that I'm neglecting my children if I say it isn't workable!

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 03/04/2015 21:35

I believe I wasn't the only person to mention this! Firstly I was warning you foster care is a reality if you sort nothing. What happens if you need a caesarean or you have complications? Or severe depression etc? You are quite rude and objectionable to talk to and now you want to stomp off.
Have you looked into selling any other properties?
Tax credits?
I stand by my statement. It's neglect.

wannabestressfree · 03/04/2015 21:37

And I didn't 'up' it. I just came on mumsnet after putting my children to bed and saw your reply.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/04/2015 21:37

some parents are just not capable of dealing with two children on their own in a safe manner, so it is entirely possible that the dad is not suitable. social services put the responsibility on the non-risky parentn to keep the children safe and make the decision about whether to leave the children with the risky parent. (not entirely helpful when there is dv as one risks getting thumped for saying no.)

I have finally found one friend to have the children, and another to have them in an emergency. when the children were small it was different. no family available. (abroad, too far distant, too old, too sick, never met the children) nor friends as the children were not long at a new school and I was new to church. it is entirely possible to be at this stage of life and have no-one. sorry op it sucks.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 21:42

Look, it is not neglect and obviously I get upset and angry when I am accused or neglecting my children when I'm not. I made a plan; I haven't finalised all the details because I am not yet in trimester 3 but I shall do so well before July. And incidentally this afternoon I was sorting just that. It's a shame you find me rude as anyone would think your posts are just there to try to upset me but I am sure this is not h case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 21:43

And thank you Susan :)

OP posts:
Ratfinkandbobo · 03/04/2015 21:46

If you disengage completely with HCPs they are likely to raise concerns with ss, especially as you have already disengaged with the school. All these will be flagged up with child protection, in which case you will have no choices, you will have to toe the line. That is how the process works.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 21:56

I haven't disengaged with the school; I just couldn't get DS to go.

I certainly haven't disengaged with HCPs; I sat politely and cooperatively for some time until I was tutted at again and again. I do think being upset by this, given the amount of strain I am under, is both reasonable and understandable but I think I've got a workable solution now.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 21:57

If you actually told the HCP of the predicament you're in, full disclosure, they might be able to help.

wannabestressfree · 03/04/2015 21:58

You couldn't get him to go?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 22:03

Grays, I did - I just didn't go into graphic detail about why my marriage ended because I just still find it too upsetting to talk about and like I say I have to acknowledge some blame there as well.

I know they are not all disapproving and unhelpful - I had an absolutely gorgeous midwife last time - but unfortunately this time I don't and it just upset me yesterday. You are right though (general 'you') in that I've posted too much of late and leaned too heavily on MN as a form of support.

OP posts:
duplodon · 03/04/2015 22:03

Is there a backstory here? It's all gone a bit aggressive and I'm not sure why? Confused

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 22:04

I understand. I wish you were in my area as I could direct you to some fabulous teams :(

Wishing you the best of luck.