Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with healthcare professionals

185 replies

Underthedeepblueocean · 02/04/2015 15:52

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 07:52

I don't want the DCs to end up with foster carers. I haven't said that and I haven't alluded to that. Not once.

I have personally never known a childminder or nursery be willing to be flexible and I have to admit the thought of ringing around and repeatedly explaining my situation is not an appealing one. Even for two days a week - usually the minimum - I'm looking at about £100 a week for DD.

Doulas - as I've said tend to be there to support you in the birth which isn't what I need. When I've moved I can look into that more as at the moment I just can't afford it. Ditto nannies and au pairs.

Rest assured I'm NOT putting the children into foster care and to suggest I have stated I will when I haven't has actually made me very cross. I just don't know what I'll be doing yet as its dependent on a number of factors, mainly involving cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 07:53

I don't know yet atticus - probably. Or a nanny. Just depends on £££

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 07:57

Sorry - as I and other posters (whom I think have actually used doulas) have just explained to you, doulas will provide child care pre/during and post birth Confused

Re: foster care/unknow carers that is the default if this isn't sorted out. It's a matter of fact, not opinion.

Re: explaining to people. Yes, it's not very nice but presumably better than the alternatives

Understand re: money but this isn't something you can sort out a week before giving birth so, even of you don't start payng for it now, it's oresumably better to have researched costs and funding available to you

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 08:02

And I'm trying but I cant do everything at once and get this all sorted in a day.

I have to admit that I'm surprised to hear this about doulas because I was under the impression they had to go through training. I can't see anyone being thrilled at having been trained and qualified then reduced to babysitting two kids. If I go to hospital (preferred option) then the doula wouldn't be going with me.

Do you really suppose I am going to wait until my waters break to sort this? I just haven't quite done it yet. I'm not even in my third trimester yet.

OP posts:
AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 03/04/2015 08:22

Why cant your exh have them? You sound like you are backed in a corner, would a day or 2 staying with him be better than the foster care option?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 08:27

They aren't GOING into foster care, it's other posters who decided that not me. Not even the midwife suggested that Hmm

OP posts:
KeturahLee · 03/04/2015 08:38

If you call the family information service they can give you a list of all the childminders in your area (or the area you are moving to) - calling round won't be the most fun ever but lots of childminders near me will do ad hoc/emergency/overnight care or will even babysit in your own home. Especially if they have recently started up and are not full.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 08:40

Thank you but honestly, I'm going for the nanny/au pair route.

There's no point in ringing up the childminders as I won't be needing them for at least three months all being well and also and most saliently we may not even be here!

OP posts:
KeturahLee · 03/04/2015 08:47

I thought you were unsure if you would be able to afford to move/employ a nanny? It might be worth having a less expensive back up option.

hippoherostandinghere · 03/04/2015 08:48

Every suggestion you've been given OP you've rubbished it. People are trying to help but I don't think you really want help. If that's how you reacted to HCPs I'm not surprised they got frustrated with you.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 08:48

If I can't move then I'd be looking at employing an au pair which would be a bit cheaper. Or give birth in a hedge. It still doesn't mean I'm going to whirl up at the hospital and dump the kids in foster care Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 08:51

I didn't post saying I wanted advice, did I? And I am so SORRY if my saying phoning up a load of childminders and saying excuse me can you be on hand throughout the month of July although I probably won't be here is 'rubbishing' a suggestion. I have simply explained why some things are not practical.

OP posts:
hippoherostandinghere · 03/04/2015 08:56

So have any of the suggestions been any good to you? Do you want a hospital birth or home birth? I don't think anyone is suggesting you phone childminders to see if they're available in July. Perhaps you could find a childminder now and have a session a week to get your children used to her then come July you will have someone who you know and trust who could be some help.

KeturahLee · 03/04/2015 08:58

Personally I like to have back up plans for my back up plans so I definitely would be calling round and checking feasibility/availability. But, it sounds like you are pretty certain you are going to employ an au pair, so maybe you just need to present that as a definite plan to HCP?

However I would also suggest you start making steps towards finding an au pair now if you haven't already as lots will already be fixing up summer jobs and you'll want some time to settle them in/train them/make sure they're suitable before the actual birth.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 08:58

So, your ultimate option is to have an unassisted home birth with your DC in attendance? I think you can't be thinking straight and I cannot see how that is in anyone's best interests

Sorry - I think you're actually missing the point here. Re: foster care and/or unknown carers. That actually won't be your choice at that time. You will be asked (if you seek medical help) if there is anyone to look after the DC? If you say no, then the hospital will be contacting CYPS re: the childcare issues

You have been given loads of practical help on this thread. Even if you have a nanny/au pair, they can still resign/become ill etc. Hence why it's been suggested that you have a plan b for childcare

Badically, every suggestion that you've been given, you've given a pretty unconvincing reason for why you can't even explore it and then focussed in people not liking "you". This isn't actually really about you or the HCPs. It's about sorting out care for your DCs

maddening · 03/04/2015 08:59

Look up the emergency childcare website - we got their service free with my old job but it is also open to the public - you pay a joining fee then can order emergency childcare - they can find emergency spaces at childminders, nurseries and have emergency nannies - contact them and see if they could provide a nanny for while you are at hospital. They are crb checked and professional nannies - I think they are around £15 an hours - well 3 years ago they were but I have since left and we didn't have to worry about the cost as we got 20 days free per year but I remember reading all about the service when I needed to use them.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 09:01

But I probably won't be here in july hippo. And I'm sorry but genuinely I didn't post for advice. I posted because I was really wound up and upset at having to talk about things I don't want to talk about (to do with my marriage - that's MY business) and at the disbelieving 'reallys' about my family being dead.

I have said - if I move I'll look into getting a nanny. If not an au pair. I've SAID this. I haven't said ANYTHING about foster care - can people not see why this causes me great distress - I don't want a doula because while they may do some childcare that isn't their primary purpose and for me that would be their only purpose and phoning up childminders would be silly as I've explained.

It's exactly this sort of questioning that upset me yesterday - the suggestion that I am disorganised/unwilling/obstructive and then when I get upset and protest I'm not I get tuts and disapproval.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 09:01

Thanks maddening :)

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 09:02

Don't move until you give birth and sort out childcare now. That is the priority. As you said above, it all takes time to sort

I can't speak for other posters but the reason I've tried to give practical advice is because I'm quite shocked at your attitude to this situation.

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 09:02

Oh my fucking God gobblin yeah of course. That's JUST what im going to do Hmm

OP posts:
hippoherostandinghere · 03/04/2015 09:02

So why not tell them yesterday about the nanny/ au pair plan then?

Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 09:02

I did. As I have SAID Hmm they didn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Underthedeepblueocean · 03/04/2015 09:03

Why shocked? WHY is getting someone to mind my other children when I give birth 'shocking'?

OP posts:
maddening · 03/04/2015 09:05

And if I was a hcp looking after a pregnant mother then it would be very worrying to hear of your predicament - they really need you to get something in place - it is something you need to hear and deal with - which is absolutely what you shouldn't have to do - it shouldn't be that you are left so isolated and once dc is here you can start getting your life back - make new friends and enjoy your freedom and your dc but right now you have no support and the hcp would be lacking if this didn't concern them but I can understand how this must feel but you need to step back and sort it out even though you shouldn't have to and that is hard.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/04/2015 09:06

I'm one of the posters who has given you advice about how to get someone to look after your DCs.

Im shocked at the total focus on you and not your DCs in this and the fact that you are (for whatever reason) refusing to engage with this whilst dismissing any suggestions out of hand