To be fed up with healthcare professionals

[Underthedeepblueocean]

I just feel so judged. Everyone seems quite set on pointing out my problems but when I ask them for solutions they don't have any then!

Take my family - they are all dead. Now I know that is unusual but I'm hardly going to lie about it am I? But I have to put up with 'really?! No one? No family AT ALL?' It just drives me mad.

Then I keep getting the ninth degree because my marriage recently ended. I just don't feel ready to talk about it. It's still very very painful and raw.

I know it's pathetic but midwife and health visitor and gp just keep conveying I can't do this but I have to!

Or give birth in a hedge. It still doesn't mean I'm going to whirl up at the hospital and dump the kids in foster care

You posted that

Ocean I'm sorry you are having such a negative reaction from them, I thought your plan of having a nanny, or maybe consider a maternity nurse for more support with the baby? Then are used to shorter term contracts, and then an au pair a few months in was very practical. You will have a responsible care giver for the children, live in support for yourself. What's not to like? So long as you get recruiting in a timely fashion the children will be comfortable with the nanny by the time they need to be left with her insole charge.

As for the depression, well you might or you might not. Your situation places you at risk but frankly it is their job to support your and keep an eye on you and spot signs and act on them, they shouldn't be placing the responsibility for that on you.

Maddening, you have given me a practical suggestion I can use, thank you. As I've said I don't mind concern, it's how this concern is expressed.

Like on this thread I have been quizzed, sometimes with a tone of aggression, accused of not tsking things seriously because I can't solve everything in a day and essentially everything is going to pot and I can't do a thing about it!

Oh fuck off gobblin. Anyone with half a brain could see that wasn't serious. Do you really think I would go to a ditch and drop my knickers? Your lack of comprehension isn't my issue

And just where is it 'all about me' and not my children?

Thanks IAm

I'm not surprised you got eye rolling if this is your reaction to people trying to help you and your DC. People are genuinely concerned for you but you are so obtuse you can't accept it.

I will just say though, you will have to get used to the subject being revisited regularly. You will be flagged up as someone who needs support and they do have a duty of care to make sure you have arrangements in place. You clearly have a complex history and they will look into certain aspects of that.

OP, I think maybe the issue the HCPs are having is the same as many posters here - your plans aren't very concrete, they're hearing "maybe I'll move house, maybe I'll find an au pair, maybe I'll employ a nanny".

I imagine they are worried that with only 3 months to go, the process of moving house or employing a nanny can easily take longer than that.

When they ask what the plan is I think they would be expecting to hear that you have spoken to local childcare providers and identified people who can provide ad hoc or emergency care.

Yanbu. Women who have left abusive partners are usually isolated. HCPs should understand this and be supportive. Sadly some just don't "get it". You are used to coping, and surviving on your own OP and I'm sure you will find a solution. Meanwhile I really hope you meet a HCP who has the sense to realise you are not being awkward by lacking a support network! Someone suggested Homestart, we have a scheme near us that is specifically for single parents with children under 5. It's brilliant. They help with this kind of dilemma, but not nationwide unfortunately.

Thank you.

As I've said I don't mind the subject being raised but it's the way I'm responded to that upsets me.

In the meantime I have DH desperate to come back, willing to do anything to show he's changed, constantly sending me texts and emails and when you're ground down by people quizzing you and being judgemental it's so so easy to seek refuge with him even though it's like being hugged by a king cobra.

It's HORRIBLE when the only person offering you love and kindness is the same person who caused you to be so absolutely alone. Can people not see how awful that is?

I think it would be definitely worth contacting Home Start OP, you can refer yourself. Hopefully they would be able to set you up with a volunteer you can come once a week and be a supportive, non-judgemental listener, help you sort the practical stuff or even just watch the kids for an hour if you need to rest or make phone calls.

Thanks, I'll give that an whirl although I have to admit I am a bit worried about involving lots of different agencies.

I think the issue with foster care is, if you don't give them a plan that they think is concrete enough they will have to start the process of having foster care ready as back up. I know it's not what you want and obviously you're trying your hardest to avoid it but the hcps won't want to risk not putting safeguarding procedures in for you and your children.

As for their attitude, yes it is unprofessional. It is rare to not have any friends or family or a partner to help, most people have at least one, but I gather you've just come out of an abusive relationship so that's how it has happened. Does your midwife know that though? Because I'd find it hard to believe initially, unless I knew the background of it. They should have been more diplomatic with their questions though.

Home Start is a charity rather than an official agency.

I just don't want to talk about it with them scathing - it's really upsetting and I know a lot of that is because I have to admit to my own part in it. When I describe it I think 'why the fuck did you put up with it' but it just didn't seem as bad at the time, it was just normal.

The plans aren't concrete yet, I know - it's just because I'm not even in my third trimester yet so some stuff does need finalising I agree with that.

Thank you keturah :)

You are not being unreasonable. Yes, healthcare professionals will often judge people particularly if those people challenge their usual ways of thinking. However the fact that they think using random friends or acquaintances to look after your children is better than trained professionals (childminders, nannies, doulas) with DBS clearance is frankly laughable. I do think you could reveal a bit more of your situation without compromising your stance - you might be surprised at how their attitudes change.

The cobra analogy is really good Under! He knows you are alone at the moment and is using it. But you will build up friendships and support. It helps if you can find others who have been through the same kind of experiences because with them you don't have to explain anything. Some of the strongest friendships I know have started in groups like Freedom and Recovery toolkit.

You've been through a horrible, horrible time. Not a single person on here denies that. But people are now trying to help and you are telling almost all of them that they are wrong. Just perhaps reflect on that.

Justin's, I'm certainly not.

I can see a number of posts where I've said things like - 'thank you, that sounds good, I'll try that.' There is great support on here; that's why I post.

However I do get upset and distressed and frequently that shows itself as anger when I am accused of being selfish and not caring for my children. I ADORE my children more than I ever thought I could. I could easily tell DH to care for them when I give birth but I have reason to believe they won't be safe so I don't. It's a small chance but nonetheless a chance I'm not going to take.

Despite comparing him to a king cobra and really he is like one of those sea creatures that allures you into a safe dark warm place and then you realise you're trapped with a very sinister creature - i care for him and I'm not going to cause him unnessecary humiliation or upset if I can avoid it. Part of that means clamping my mouth shut on certain things.

And I'm sorry I lost my temper earlier, I was very rude and should not have been but I did think it was obvious I was being flippant about giving birth in a ditch!

As I understand it the OP was posting about her upset regarding the response from HCP and the fact that they were so frankly disbelieving of the fact that she has no family and friends support network. Some people here have seemingly perpetuated that feeling of judgement where she finds herself.
I just want to say well done for holding out against the incredibly intense pressure you're being put under by your ex. If you don't feel you can block his communications do make sure you keep them for your solicitor.

Thanks sooty. It's so hard to hold out against it and I can only do it if people support me and tell me I'm doing the right thing and when people say or imply I'm not I start buckling. I KNOW I am weak but I can only get stronger through practice.

Consciously or unconsciously, its sad as from the few words on this page it looks like you are putting yourself in the position where you have to get back with him.

If you take away the emotion of it, the communication between you & the hcp's has broken down. To continue to enable you to live and progress from the amazing steps you have taken so far, there needs to be a way where you can communicate with the hcp's. As they must ensure the safety of your kids you hiding stuff, making loose plans etc raises red flags to them & then you raise your defensive barriers and all gets lost.

Although complicated and shameful to you, really its not and can be simplified to make them understand.

Can you meet them, say 'I'm out of an abusive relationship, I have no family & the relationship caused me to lose any friends or support I may have had. I want to be able to have the birth and have support by the way of childcare for my other dc's during the birth and for a few days after. I'm not sure how to go about it. I do not want to involve my husband as for those reasons I've stated. I will look to formalizing his relationship with the children when the immediate problems of the birth have been solved. What can you do to help me? What schemes/ charities exist to aid people like me? What do you suggest? I currently live here but am looking to move to x by x for financial reasons so will need advice for both areas'

throw it back at them, cooperate, be open, you don't have to tell them the nitty gritty but you do deserve help and support.

That's a fair post, or according to my iPad a lairy posy and I think it's sort of along the lines of what I have said.

The issues have been that they have strongly implied things can't have been that bad as I obviously slept with him to conceive DC3 and that I'm an irritating waste of space.

Honestly, I know I've got upset and rude here but I am not like this with them - I just asked them to leave yesterday because of the tutting; it just REALLY got to me.

I will sort something out and I've said whatever my plans are they will be concrete by mid-May which is 2 months away from term which I think is reasonable?

Under is your husband was abusive you played NO part in it. Have you had any support from women's aid/stonham to help you move on from the emotional abuse?
It all sounds shitty at the moment but hopefully you will find the practical solutions you need

Thanks. I did play a part in it though; I stayed. I could have left but I stayed and that was a mistake and one I have to live with.