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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd has been telling massive lies.

222 replies

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 17:22

Hello I have name changed for this thread. I did not have a clue as to where to post this ? I am not even sure where to begin today we have just found out that my dd has been lying about every single aspect of her life. We have found out she never went to university and lied about achieving a degree. We have also found out that she has not been at a job she has claimed to have for a year now but has been working as a shop assistant. I am utterly confused and upset and do not understand at all. I'm not even angry as she must have been completely miserable with all these lies the last few years. She is coming home any minute now and I don't know how to confront her or what to do ?

OP posts:

crispandfruity · 01/04/2015 23:25

Grovel - I still have to remind myself of that at times!

crispandfruity · 01/04/2015 23:27

The issue here isn't breaches of the data protection act ffs!

Coyoacan · 02/04/2015 00:21

OP, you have my sympathy. The son of a very dear friend of mine lied like that for at least a year when he was eighteen. They had lived in a blended family since he was five with two very mixed-up little girls and it seems that he was just used to avoiding giving his mother (who is wonderful) any more problems than she already had with his step-sisters and her emotionally abusive husband, so he just didn't talk about his problems.

And of course, universities have to give out the sort of information your husband was given, IMHO, because it is very easy (and a criminal offense) to claim to have a degree one is not entitled to.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 02:13

I'm surprised the university broke data protection and told you that she failed and dropped out. As this person was over 18 they shouldn't have told you this information....

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 02:25

Had only read a few post when I then posted, so hadn't seen all the other posts about data protection....
I work a lot with DP and FOI but there are a lot of mistakes made out there by people at times and breech of DP isn't uncommon

LIZS · 02/04/2015 08:28

No the issue isn't the data protection act. It is the reason behind op and her dh feeling the need to check up to that extent. Whether uni and employer complied or not. Having uncovered one untruth why not give dd the opportunity to come clean herself? Maybe she felt unable to disclose as it would have exposed a potential weakness and their "disappointment" in plans going awry. If her sister wasn't well maybe uni was an escape for her and then it didn't work out but there was no going back...

Icimoi · 02/04/2015 08:41

Students' degrees are a matter of public record. I can remember the time, post DPA, when some universities published them in newspapers; and of course the results are announced to all and sundry at the graduation ceremony. Commercial companies produce T shirts with graduates' names on. OK, that doesn't tell anyone how and when non-graduates failed, but the mere fact that their name doesn't appear on any lists of graduates is a big, big clue.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/04/2015 09:00

Surely a uni can confirm attendance and result? Otherwise how would a prospective employed checked an applicant was telling the truth.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 09:05

Do you not get paper proof of a degree? A company checking would put it in writing and follow procedure set out along with the university following their legal obligations so they don't get a large fine from the information commissioner.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 02/04/2015 09:08

She was there when we visited she was house sharing with some other students. They must have known

One of the students I houseshared with dropped out - we had absolutely no idea and thought she didn't attend graduation due to library fines! We were all on different courses and crucially I suppose, we weren't looking for something which wasn't on our radar. Through an utterly bizarre chain of events her Cv ended up on my desk at work and there was a short bit explaining why she hadn't completed her degree - looking back, lots of things suddenly slotted into place but at the time we were oblivious.

I was the first person in my family to go to uni - I could've told my mum and dad anything and they'd have believed it.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 09:11

Ici - courts in the UK ( apart from family courts) are open for you to attend once over the age of 18, so I could sit in the gallery of a court and listen all week. But even though it may be recorded in the newspaper, i am not allowed to see the actual court records, they are closed to open access.

popalot · 02/04/2015 09:16

I'd be proud if she was my daughter. She's protected you from the grief of her 'failure' at uni, whilst having a bit of an emotional breakdown herself, but managed to be completely self sufficient. Not many people can say they did that in their early 20s. She can still have a successful career without a degree and has had more experience than some of her peers in the working environment. You have done the right thing having a gentle chat with her and I'm sure you're all relieved it's come out in the end.

ragged · 02/04/2015 09:19

Registration or qualification should not be covered by DPA. It's not what DPA was intended for.

CheeseToastie123 · 02/04/2015 09:38

I have always been the person proving my qualifications - either through certificate or transcript. Even when applying to be a postgrad student at the same university as my bachelors.

ragged · 02/04/2015 09:58

yeah, I had to produce a copy of my PhD certificate to get my job at same Uni that granted me the Phd. They claimed they had no way to verify it otherwise . I assume that's HR not allowed to speak to (whoever).

My PhD certificate is so simple, anyone could forge it with a bit of effort.

Whatneedstobedone · 02/04/2015 10:42

But presumably employers can (and do) call up institutions to check that what the CV says is correct?

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2015 10:51

And when the call on the telephone, if the staff have been trained correctly they will know how to deal with the situation correctly. For the simple reason they should not be giving out information about another person to an unknown person over the telephone. There are correct procedures to follow to make sure the correct information is being shared with the correct people.

TheAwfulDaughter · 02/04/2015 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HoraceCope · 02/04/2015 11:18

that is an awful situation OP.

but, it is out in the open now. so sad that she felt she couldnt say before. perhaps in time she will

Happylandpirate · 02/04/2015 12:04

I lied to my parents about uni. I was 21 when I went but still lived at home. My dad pestered me to go uni and I finally gave in and hated it!!! 3 weeks i lasted but I "carried on" for the whole first year. I just did extra shifts at one of my 3 part-time jobs I had at the time or spent the day at my boyfriends house!! At the end of the first year I managed to secure a full time well paid job so told them I wasn't going back for my 2nd year. They knew all along I'd only lasted a few weeks and where I was really going but what could they say I was an adult!! It never affected our relationship, in fact the story was brought up comically in my dads wedding speech when I got married!!! He thinks he's a comedian!!!

Coyoacan · 02/04/2015 15:26

What a shame that this thread has been hijacked by people worrying about the university did.

DarthVadersTailor · 02/04/2015 16:52

OP glad you had your talk and that it went well. Thought you handled it very well, hopefully you can both move on from it all and lead happy lives!

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