dd has been telling massive lies.

[namechanged013]

Hello I have name changed for this thread. I did not have a clue as to where to post this ? I am not even sure where to begin today we have just found out that my dd has been lying about every single aspect of her life. We have found out she never went to university and lied about achieving a degree. We have also found out that she has not been at a job she has claimed to have for a year now but has been working as a shop assistant. I am utterly confused and upset and do not understand at all. I'm not even angry as she must have been completely miserable with all these lies the last few years. She is coming home any minute now and I don't know how to confront her or what to do ?

How has this all come to light today?

So you never went to visit her at uni? Or asked to see her certificate? Your relationship sounds very distant, OP. Has it always been like this?

So were you giving her money for uni? How did you think she was paying for it? Surely you would know that?

I would start by sitting down with some guaranteed uninterrupted time and just explaining what you've found out and asking her if she is OK. Try really hard not to focus on your feelings at this stage but on helping her to explain how she got herself into this situation and how you can help her sort it out.

I cannot imagine in a million years not knowing that my DD wasn't at uni because we are so deeply involved in her life but, at the same time, I can quite imagine my parents not being involved enough in my life to know such a thing because there was a great emotional distance between us when I was that age.

I think the key is now to be on her side and not alienating her or putting her on the defensive. Forgive her for allowing this situation to snowball, work out together how to move forward and then, later on, perhaps you will be able to reflect together on what went wrong to allow this to happen in the first place.

So she paid herself?

You thought she had enough time to work and pay for all uni bills and do the work?

I don't mean to sound judgmental I am confused how you couldn't know.

How do you know she didn't get the degree?

hollingdon - she worked for a year straight before she left for uni and had saved up a lot of money I'm assuming that all went on her rent in her 'second year' but she also transfered down from the shop she worked at home to another branch near her uni meaning she was working too. I'm assuming that she was working full time rather than being at uni to support herself.

I must admit I am struggling with this. How on earth can you not have known. I am not surprised she didnt want to go to graduation. There wasnt one to go to!

So, she was living away from home pretending to go to univ but supported herself by having a job?

just ask her straight out why she didn't tell you what was really going on.....if she's old enough to pull off a massive deception like that then she's old enough to answer for it.

even if she was having a hard time at uni or not enjoying it or failed her end of year exams - it is still no reason for telling bare faced lies.

She's obviously very unhappy and afraid to admit that she's made a bit of a hash of her life. She must also be absolutely exhausted from it all.

You do need to talk to her, but you need to stress to her that you are not disappointed in her (even if you are, don't let her know), but that you are worried about her.

Don't make her feel worse.

Don't make her feel as though she needs to make up more lies.

Do let her feel that she can talk to you and you won't judge.

Goldmandra is right - this isn't about you, it's about her and she needs your support.

I can imagine how finding this out has really pulled the rug out from under you, but try not to assume the absolute worst. She's not lied about every aspect of her life I imagine, but some major things. It sounds as if she did this in order to cover up feelings of shame and /or guilt, because she failed at uni.

These feelings are probably stronger than ever now, and combined with the shame she'll soon be feeling when she finds out you know she's been lying, that may well be very, very hard for her. It's hard for you too, but her lies came from a place of (I imagine), weakness, fear, shame and wanting to please people.

Be kind to yourself and also her. Be gentle. Listen. Try not to accuse her of everything without acknowledging that she's probably feeling terrible about lying. Love is the most important thing in the world, and her lies are weaker than that. Try to be strong and support her. I know you feel confused and hurt, but you can get through this. Maybe tell her that you know that things are not as she's represented them, and say that you'd like to declare a sort of 'amnesty' on lies, encourage her to come clean and feel massive relief. Encourage her to trust that you will love her and accept her, no matter what. You could do this with a letter, that might be easier for her and you. Sincere good luck to you.

Have you posted about this doubt before, just has a familiar ring to it from last year when a dd hadn't got her results and seemed evasive. Does she have other issues which makes have meant her self confidence was low or felt your expectations were too high? At least she has been working and presumably self sufficient , maybe start with that.

I think the pp who are saying you need to put your feelings to the side for now are right. If you want her to tell you everything, you need to be open and listen. Its not about how she has made you feel. For someone to do this (you are surprised so I am assuming she hasn't done this sort of thing before) there must be something deeply bothering her.

Be prepared for anything though. You may not like what she says.

And stay away from guilt or regrets or what if's.

You and she are here now; it's far more important to work out where to go from here than it is to work out what you/she could have done in the past. There's time for that at a later stage, when you have rebuilt your relationship.

Ok, so she had a job in a distant town and supported herself that way.

She dropped out of university and she kept this hidden for 2-3 years. What was her degree? I am wondering because shop work is often very badly paid. Having a degree will help her gain qualifications. Does she want to always do shop work and NWW work?

I don't think getting angry will help tbh.
I would just try to remain calm and let her explain herself.
She obviously didn't want to disappoint you. Please , try to be understanding and supportive.

Someone in my family did this, told lies about their entire life. Turned out they had MH issues and had a breakdown. We didn't know a thing.

Be calm with her and just talk. I can understand why you're hurt and shocked though.

It's confusing to explain because I don't understand it myself. She has lied constantly I would have said we are close I spoke to her every day while she was away. Her sister has got extreme anxiety and has been someone who tells us her problems every second of the day but she has always been the opposite and has just gotten on in life. I can't help but think she has hidden all this because she doesn't want to have caused us any grief.

Oh my goodness OP she must have been so very low and must now be exhausted to have kept up the lie for so long. I bet she will be relieved you have found out, if not immediately. Good luck and be gentle on her, and yourself.

It's possible that because of her sister she didn't want to worry you more.

If she failed her exams and/or couldn't cope with her course she may have thought it wasn't fair to burden you, so it was easier just to pretend she was still going.

And then once the first lie is told, it snowballs, and she must have really felt trapped in it.

Getting it all out in the open might be a massive relief for her.

Malice- I didn't' attend my graduation either.

I know quite a few people, by the way, who dropped out of university and never told their parents.

They started off being ashamed to, and then time just went on so they never admitted it. I landed one of them in it once my mentioning it in front of her sister - the sister didn't know either, they all thought she had a degree.

As I have said she worked for a year in a shop before she went away. She has constantly said over the past few years she wished she had never went to uni and had just stayed in the shop where she was happy. She never had any problems at school and got extremely good a level results so I don't think it would have been that university was too difficult academically. To be honest I don't know yet though.

I also know of people who this happened to.

I just feel so sorry for them. I hope there's nothing my children don't feel they can tell me when they're older but I just don't know.

Keep calm op. It's not the end of the world. DD must have been struggling to keep this up for so long and the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes and she'll feel like she's disappointed you and very probably feels ashamed.

It will be a massive, massive relief to her that you now know, and it may just propel her into a better job as well. Education isn't everything - I would have hated university and starting work was the best thing I ever did. School days weren't my happiest.

Go easy on her and be understanding, not upset. Please...