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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd has been telling massive lies.

222 replies

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 17:22

Hello I have name changed for this thread. I did not have a clue as to where to post this ? I am not even sure where to begin today we have just found out that my dd has been lying about every single aspect of her life. We have found out she never went to university and lied about achieving a degree. We have also found out that she has not been at a job she has claimed to have for a year now but has been working as a shop assistant. I am utterly confused and upset and do not understand at all. I'm not even angry as she must have been completely miserable with all these lies the last few years. She is coming home any minute now and I don't know how to confront her or what to do ?

OP posts:

fourteen · 01/04/2015 18:26

The OP's daughter is an adult who has been supporting herself.

Why should she be trying to rebuild anyone's trust?

Agreed, the last thing she needs to hear is any disappointment. I'd be sticking to letting her know how concerned you are about her, hope she's ok, can you do anything to help....

Treating her like a child won't help build a closer relationship.

notquitegrownup2 · 01/04/2015 18:26

Could you write her a letter and leave it for her to find, so that she doesn't have to bluster and make up a quick lie?

Tell her that you love her and that you would always love her - qualifications don't define who you are. What you do with your life and the decisions you make do. Tell her that you are proud for her, she is a survivor. She achieved well at school, and has worked ever since to support herself. She's not a scrounger; she's not been caught smuggling drugs; she's not committed any crime - life has just not worked out as she thought she wanted.

Ask her if she is happy now. Ask her what she would like to achieve in the next five years. Ask her what made her happy at that shop - good friends? career prospects? living close to/away from home? And help her to find out whether she could find another job which made her happy again. Reassure her that she is still young. Everyone makes mistakes and false starts. And reassure her that you will be there for her whatever she decides to do.

Then perhaps celebrate a fresh start with a large glass of wine together???

HTH

monkeysaymoo · 01/04/2015 18:26

Poor girl, she must have been in a right mess and the whole thing got away from her.

drbonnieblossman · 01/04/2015 18:29

Poor her and poor you. Must be a huge shock.

Confront/chat - same thing really. Someone said up thread "it's her life". Well of course it is but it is also her parents' business. You don't ever stop being a parent no matter the age of your child.

The most important thing I think you should let her know is your love for her and your pride in her. But I do think you can also validly tell her of your disappointment. Not that this particular aspect of her education went belly up, but that she felt she couldn't tell you at the start and has lived an elaborate lie for so long. She must exhausted.

You may not sleep tonight but I think your daughter will have her first sound sleep in years.

University doesn't suit everyone. Admitting that can be tough particularly if those around you are agog that the idea of not going is just too much to contemplate.

None of my friends went to uni. They all studied in some form or other and all have been very successful, including those who started on the bottom rung in their chosen area and work alongside graduates. Same job, alternative means of getting there.

I hope the talk goes well OP.

CuttedUpPear · 01/04/2015 18:32

I feel so sorry for you and your DD. I hope you can sort things out with her.

If it's any consolation, my DD went to Uni and got a good degree with honours.
Now she is working in a shop, where she is happy.

Patapouf · 01/04/2015 18:32

there is no fucking way she was able to support herself without means tested student finance loans/grants.

What is your relationship like? is it likely she thought you would judge her? are you not close/supportive? did you put her under a lot of pressure to do well?

ahbollocks · 01/04/2015 18:37

Agree with email or letter. Stay calm.
It is sad and a shame that she was so worried about disappointing you but it has happened now.
im a bit like your daughter un that if something bad happens ill just not mention it for months or keep it a secret, its just a way of protecting myself.
When you look at the facts she has held onto a full time job and supported herself, not coming begging for money.
University can be very hard if you struggle with the lessons or struggle to make friends, and it can be a huge disappointment if it doesn't work out. Society absolutely pummels into you that it is the right thing to do so admitting failure is huge.
Be kind, be patient

thenightsky · 01/04/2015 18:37

I can easily see how this can happen. We had the same with DS. He completed one year, but never told us what a struggle he found it. His second year was going well according to him, when we discovered he wasn't actually attending lectures at all. He came home in the March, had the summer at home, and started his second year again that September. By Christmas he wasn't answering his phone, his flat mates never saw him and neither did the uni staff.

We drove over to find him in bed, hungry, dirty and mute. He was catatonic with severe depression. The whole situation was too much for him to bear.

Chipsahoythere · 01/04/2015 18:38

I can see it's possible that the of never knew. I have known of some people who failed exams and resits and never told their parents.

You can apply for the non means tested loans, I did when I was at uni and my parents details didn't come into it.

ahbollocks · 01/04/2015 18:38

Btw you can claim that you are detached from your parents to side step means testing

livingzuid · 01/04/2015 18:39

This happens a lot. There were several in my halls who lied. There was a girl who even provided fake letters from the department to show her parents she was progressing even though she failed her first year three times and got kicked out. By the time I graduated she was on her fifth year of lying. There is of course a huge back story as to why she did behave in such a way.

The lengths some people go to is incredible. I think it is very sad. Your DD must have struggled. Try to not be judgemental and listen to what she has to say. And a degree is not the be all and end all. Not quite the point of the post I know but there are other pathways for her if she chooses to do something else. Good luck to you both.

ahbollocks · 01/04/2015 18:39

:( your poor son nightsky hope he is okay now

Original poster

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:45

I think she already knows that we know. She knew I was meeting my friend this morning who 'works with her' and must have know she would have told me. She's just texted me saying she is going out for dinner with Her friends tonight so she's putting it off. I don't think she knows that we know about university yet though.

I feel upset for her but also embarassed for her ( not of her) everyone at her fake work must have known. Now her boss at her actual work knows she has been lying about working there in favour of somewhere else.

I'm not going to say I'm disappointed in her but I am really upset that she has allowed it to snowball so much.

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 18:45

Are you absolutely sure about your facts? Is there any way you could be mistaken?

Original poster

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:47

No im absolutely sure. Her dad rang the university today who told us she failed her first year and didn't attend her second. And we rang the university she transfered up to who have no record of her at all .

OP posts:

Terramirabilis · 01/04/2015 18:48

I also know someone who did something similar. He lied for two years about attending uni although were found out before "graduating". He had been having an awful time over the lie and really was tormenting himself. In his case, it was about not being able to stand up to what was expected of him and go after what he wanted to do. (Not saying this is necessarily the case for your DD).

Try not to be too hard on your DD; I'm sure this wasn't done out of malice.

For those who are amazed this can be kept secret - think about it, once you're eighteen universities won't report on you to your parents in the way that schools do. Their relationship is with the student, not the student's parents. So they aren't going to let the parents know that the student's left.

Terramirabilis · 01/04/2015 18:48

was found out

Original poster

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:48

It's shocking to see how common this is. I wouldn't have minded at all if she had come home from uni if she didn't think it was for her she knew that as well. I honestly have no idea why she lied.

OP posts:

TheAwfulDaughter · 01/04/2015 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wantsunshine · 01/04/2015 18:52

So you phoned her current place of work to find out if she was full time so they found out she has been lying to her parents. I don't get why you would do that to a grown adult. Not great that you didn't help her out financially in all her time that you thought she was at uni except for a few grocery shops. It sounds like she has a good work ethic though to have done so much for herself.

grumbleina · 01/04/2015 18:52

Speaking as someone who hasn't quite, but knows they easily could've, done something like this. I can see why she did it. I'm sure we all can. She wanted you to think she was doing the 'right' thing. That she wasn't the problem child. That she was good. And then once she was in it, she had to keep going.

If it hasn't cost you any money or caused you a genuine major problem (aside from being hurt) that needs dealing with, then if I were you I would try to swallow all feelings of shock and disappointment. I expect she's had a hard enough time feeling guilty and scared all this time.

A letter was a good idea. If you can, I mean, if there isn't a genuine major problem I'd suggest something like 'I know about uni and the job. I don't care and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I just want you to know I know. I just love you and want you to be happy. Love mum. '

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 18:59

Wantsynshine this thread is not really about the financial arrangement between the OP and her DD. She wants advice on how to deal with finding out her daughter has lied, not criticism about finances or how they found out about a really difficult situation. My parents were not in a position to help me out financially when I was a university.

OP I would go easy on her, this must be so difficult for her to deal with. Maybe try to get to the bottom of why she felt she had to lie?

DarthVadersTailor · 01/04/2015 18:59

I would advise not to be confrontational on this, it'd only serve to push her further away and you'll be more likely to struggle to get the whole truth from her.

I'd explain that you have found out a few things and calmly ask her why she felt she couldn't tell you. Explain that although you feel hurt that she couldn't tell you everything, you are just concerned for her wellbeing and want to help if she needs it. It might also pay to mention that as she's been managing on her own that she's shown resourcefulness and a great ability to be independent (which is sounds like she has tbf) but also that eventually the truth was going to come out & that literally living a lie is such an obviously huge burden to live with which comes with its own ramifications.

I'd be supportive and try to be understanding as your objective here is to get her side of why she's acted this way. But also it's fair to say that you feel somewhat let down that she was unable to confide in you, which is rightly going to hurt.

Good luck OP and please do let us know how it all turns out

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 19:00

Sorry Want I mistyped your name.

AlpacaMyBag · 01/04/2015 19:00

How can a university justify discussing somebody's results with a person who calls them claiming to be a student's father?

I certainly hope my old university wouldn't do so. I would cheerfully sue them.

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