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Original poster

dd has been telling massive lies.

222 replies

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 17:22

Hello I have name changed for this thread. I did not have a clue as to where to post this ? I am not even sure where to begin today we have just found out that my dd has been lying about every single aspect of her life. We have found out she never went to university and lied about achieving a degree. We have also found out that she has not been at a job she has claimed to have for a year now but has been working as a shop assistant. I am utterly confused and upset and do not understand at all. I'm not even angry as she must have been completely miserable with all these lies the last few years. She is coming home any minute now and I don't know how to confront her or what to do ?

OP posts:
CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 01/04/2015 17:56

Well if she is happy working in a shop, maybe that is what she is doing?

Maybe she has made good decisions and is happy with her life, but just not told you in case you get angry with her for not staying in university where she didn't want to be.

TinLizzie · 01/04/2015 17:56

In fact, I can feel the relief on her behalf already!! It's a big weight she's been carrying. Just talk, don't confront.

shewept · 01/04/2015 17:56

Could it be that she feels either her problems don't matter because, in comparison, to her sister or she feels pushed out because of her sister or she felt she couldn't put anymore stress on you because of her sister?

My dbro was a shit from 14-19 , I never told mum my problems as she was constantly stressing about what dbro was up to. I didn't want to put anymore on her plate.

Humansatnav · 01/04/2015 17:57

Shes an adult and its her life.

99pokerface · 01/04/2015 17:57

Wow she must of have to really weave lots and lots of lies and also invlove others

I know your saying she is a private person I think now is the time to be more Invloved

areyoubeingserviced · 01/04/2015 17:59

Op, I just think that she didn't want to disappoint you.
If I were in your position , I would be upset about the fact that she had to carry this burden for all this time. It must have been extremely difficult for her.

LIZS · 01/04/2015 18:00

Did you or her father go to uni ? The course may simply not have met her expectations, been harder than she thought , too much non contact time, social difficulties or maybe she had a hiccup missed deadlines or resits and dropped out. It isn't necessarily a reflection on her academic abilities but somewhere along the line she hasn't coped well enough to share it with you.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2015 18:01

If she's supported herself all this time and is still doing so (unless I've misunderstood) you have no right to 'confront' her.

You didn't go and see her, she can't have come home much as she wouldn't have had uni holidays so she's got on with her life. Why she couldn't tell you is the heart of it.

You need to ask why she couldn't tell you and you need to get things straight, but confrontation isn't the way to go.

Original poster
namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:02

I'm terrified about confronting her and honestly don't know what to say. I can tell that she is going to get defensive and will probably try to lie her wasn't out of telling the truth. I feel so sad about the fact she has been living with all of this herself for so long now. Thanks for all of your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:04

Nanny0gg - we did go and visit her and she did come home at holidays not as much as other uni students though. I don't think it's just us she has been lying to but all her friends too.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/04/2015 18:05

Just hug her, tell her you love her, and that it's all going to be alright. You haven't got to get to the truth immediately, but it's vital that she no longer feels alone with her lies.

I actually feel really sorry for her - it must have bloody awful feeling as though she had to live a lie.

It's a shock, OP. But she's there, she's healthy, you love each other, and it can be put right. As my DH always says to me when I'm climbing the walls about something, 'Nothing is fucked here dude.'

Good luck.

shewept · 01/04/2015 18:05

Don't confront her. That's the wrong thinking. You need to speak to her.

She has reasons for doing this. Perhaps her sister, perhaps she knew that you thought she shouldn't have struggled with the course and couldn't admit that she wasn't coping.

You need to know why she felt she couldn't tell you or dh. And if you do some soul searching and be honest with yourself, you know the reason deep down.

areyoubeingserviced · 01/04/2015 18:06

Best of luck OP.
Remember that it is truly not the end of the world.

Oakmaiden · 01/04/2015 18:08

Yeah, I wouldn't "confront" her so to speak. And I wouldn't ask her to tell you what has been going on.

I think if it were me, I would giver her a big hug and say someone told me that she didn't finish her degree and has a job at (wherever), and that I am there for her if she wants to talk about it.

shewept · 01/04/2015 18:10

So where was she when you visited? Did she share a house?

ByTheWishingWell · 01/04/2015 18:11

I know a couple of people who did this for a couple of years.

One of them was very capable of finishing his course, but unmotivated. He didn't tell his parents he had failed one term because he didn't want to disappoint them, but planned to resit the next year. He kept not completing modules, and spent 5 years completing 2 and a half years of the course. The whole lie just snowballed, he found it very suffocating. Although he didn't tell his parents, they found out, he was very relieved when it all came out. His mum made it clear that she was disappointed for him, not in him, and was really understanding about the whole thing.

It must be a shock, but try to just be there for your DD, she must be mortified and so worried about your reaction.

Original poster
namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:15

She was there when we visited she was house sharing with some other students. They must have known.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 18:16

I agree with everyone that I think she has told a lie and it has just snowballed completely.

OP posts:
MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 01/04/2015 18:16

I think the main things are to find out if she has been safe (where has she been living and has she been taking an risks with her physical or mental health) and how she has been supporting herself (are there any more secrets around debt etc.).

Once you know she is safe and stable, then you can let her know how disappointed you are and start to talk about how she plans to rebuild your trust.

fourteen · 01/04/2015 18:20

Do you know why she would have done this?

What would you have done if she'd told you that actually she was working full time? Presumably as she's been supporting herself it's not like she has lied to get any financial benefit, so why has she done it?

I don't understand why she couldn't just tell you that uni hadn't worked out and she was working instead. What does she think your reaction would have been?

It's just really odd.

LIZS · 01/04/2015 18:21

It isnt about op being disappointed though, to say so would be sure fire way of shutting down the conversation . Dd is an adult. Better to be supportive of her current situation and concerned that she felt she couldn't open up to you.

NorahDentressangle · 01/04/2015 18:21

I would give her a big hug and just say don't worry, we can discuss things tomorrow.

(possibly trying not to be a worry like her Dsis contributed to this)

areyoubeingserviced · 01/04/2015 18:21

Mrs cakes- that's the thing, I don't think that OP should tell her daughter that she is disappointed. It will not achieve anything.

fellowship33 · 01/04/2015 18:23

I can easily imagine uni friends doing this. So judgemental for posters to say they can't imagine their own dc doing this. Clearly the OP couldn't either.

I'd take some time to process it but when you do talk to dd make sure she knows you are proud of her. There are plenty of good jobs in retail, and uni doesn't suit everyone.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2015 18:24

How did you manage to get through university years without proofreading her essays?!

I don't think you should confront her. It will be a massive relief to her (I imagine) once she knows you know, but there will be a lot of shame and guilt, too. Be kind to her. It's obviously snowballed out of control and she must have felt awful.

Is she happy working in the shop?

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