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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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dd has been telling massive lies.

222 replies

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 17:22

Hello I have name changed for this thread. I did not have a clue as to where to post this ? I am not even sure where to begin today we have just found out that my dd has been lying about every single aspect of her life. We have found out she never went to university and lied about achieving a degree. We have also found out that she has not been at a job she has claimed to have for a year now but has been working as a shop assistant. I am utterly confused and upset and do not understand at all. I'm not even angry as she must have been completely miserable with all these lies the last few years. She is coming home any minute now and I don't know how to confront her or what to do ?

OP posts:
MrsPeabody · 01/04/2015 21:40

What has happened to this thread? Has the op been scared off?

If people have individual concerns about their university I would phone them and discuss their policy. The data protection act should mean that no details can be shared. If it was one uni, I would wonder if the op got someone inexperienced on the phone. Two universities is worrying.

FarFromAnyRoad · 01/04/2015 21:40

I believe the Uni would release that information because a University did just that for my oldest friend whose son pulled an identical stunt - and kept it going for 18 months after failing his first year. It happens - and seemingly it happens quite a lot.
I should imagine the OP is in complete turmoil over this and the 'don't believe you' comments have probably frightened her away.

MrsTedCrilly · 01/04/2015 21:46

I have a great relationship with my mum, yet lied about my first year of uni going wrong.. I quit the course but for a few months carried on going into town and sat jn an internet cafe! Then a few years later I lost my job and for 6 months pretended I was still there.. I didn't live at home then though so it was easy to hide.
We were close, I love my mum, she wasn't the type of mum who expected me to get great results, I'm not a devious person and don't get off on lying.. so there may be nothing to worry about with your daughter. I was just ashamed of myself and didn't want to let anyone down so didn't tell her. Once I told her it was such a relief and made me wonder why I hadn't said anything earlier! The longer the lie goes on the harder it gets.
Just be there for her and tell her it's okay, you still love her and will support whatever she wants to do. She'll need reassurance right now, not someone angry or disappointed at her.

I thought I was alone in this but have since discovered it's quite common, I know people who lied about graduating, type of job

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 01/04/2015 21:47

The university rang my dbro when my niece wasn't attending lectures.

MrsTedCrilly · 01/04/2015 21:49

Oops pressed too soon! Type of job, relationships etc.. It's easy to hide when you've moved out of home but doesn't have to mean anything serious or that you don't have a good relationship.

ragged · 01/04/2015 21:49

Doesn't the Uni have a legal obligation to confirm something like attendance & qualifications? Else how could anyone check who actually graduated from Splendid-Flavour-of-Month Uni? We could all go around lying thru our teeth about where we attended & forging certificates (my PhD paper would sure be very easy to forge).

Data Protection Act would apply to things like personal address or phone number, not their course info.

MrsTedCrilly · 01/04/2015 21:50

I think it must be different at different unis.. Mine never called my parents, I guess they didn't mind as long as they were getting their money.

Rabbitsnap · 01/04/2015 21:50

To everyone saying the university would never give out this information, that is not the case. When I was in my second year at university a girl I was house sharing with was pretending to go to lectures etc, when in fact she was working, having failed her first year. When something aroused our suspicions, I rang the department she had been in, and spoke to the head of the faculty, who confirmed that she was no longer on the course. Please be kind to your daughter. The girl we 'discovered' must have had a terrible time living a lie, and as someone suggested up thread, she was definitely the high achieving, perfectionist type, who couldn't cope with the pressure.

DoodlePegs · 01/04/2015 21:54

It is possible for certain registered companies to check qualifications. I came across a website for that about a month ago.

CaulkheadUpNorth · 01/04/2015 22:03

The op could be my parents- I didn't finish my pgce but told them I did and have since lied about what my job is.

namechanged013 · 01/04/2015 22:21

Hello sorry Ive been a bit busy. I just want to thank everyone for their advice ! Everyone has been great and tbh when I first posted it I was a bit worried people would reply saying they would be livid if it was them which wouldn't be much help

We have had a long chat and I'm honestly gutted for her. What a lie she has been living everything that has gone into it is shocking. She has said that her first year just completely overwhelmed her and that she couldn't cope with anything. That it just all snowballed and that she didn't even know where to start with telling us.

As for everyone telling me I'm a troll I'm not. My husband rang the department at the university and just asked if they could confirm that a student with my dd's name had attended. I thought it would only be breaking the data protection act if they gave more information than that. To be honest though I didn't get much information off him as he stormed upstairs as he was ' too upset to deal with all this'. Maybe they have done something illegal though ? she Could always make a complaint.

My dd is fine and looks pretty relieved to be completely honest. I'm not angry with her at all and just want to support her through this.

Also as with student finance you can do means tested or just apply for the bog standard loan which she did. So there was no pestering us for more information. All you have to do is sign a form and send it off at the start of each year I think. She didn't get her loan however as she wasn't at uni and they don't give it until they have confirmation they are actually in class. Also to people asking why we didn't support her more at uni we couldn't really afford to and would have in a heartbeat if we could.

I don't blame people for thinking I am a troll its a pretty strange situation.

OP posts:
fourteen · 01/04/2015 22:28

Bless you and her. You sound like you handled it very sensitively (did your husband get over his anger? Hope so).

Hopefully it'll be a new beginning for you both.

I bet she sleeps well tonight

Bunnyjo · 01/04/2015 22:30

OP- I am happy you have spoke with your DD. I would absolutely recommend you (or more specifically your DD) raising a complaint with the University. What they have done is a very blatant breach of the Data Protection Act and they need to be brought to task. At the very least there are some serious retraining issues that need addressed.

I was one of the doubters and, to be honest, it was the university giving details part that I was particularly dubious about - I am flabbergasted that your DH was able to obtain such information and, as a second year university student myself, it makes me very uncomfortable.

I apologise, OP Flowers or maybe Wine would be more appropriate?

TwinkieTwinkle · 01/04/2015 22:36

Ignore every nasty person here OP, mainly people desperate for the gossip. God forbid you actually took the time to have a long chat with your daughter, without posting to keep them updated! Truly hope you and your family can help your daughter, I bet she feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. Flowers

drbonnieblossman · 01/04/2015 22:37

So pleased you updated. Being honest, the doubting re the uni confidentiality issue from others made me wonder if all was true; I know nothing about these rules.

Pleased you spoke to her and she's gave an explanation of what's been happening. Hopefully she and you feel better for having spoken.

QueenBean · 01/04/2015 22:44

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine at uni. She had too much of a good time, missed too many classes and was asked to leave. Ended up working in a clothing store in town and reapplied for a different course, but told her parents she was now doing a four year degree instead

It can happen and does, and for those shouting "troll!", don't be a douche, just report it

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 22:49

The troll hunting on this thread has been bloody shocking. Angry

OP I'm glad you've spoken with her, I can't imagine how much stress she's been under over the last couple of years. Its all out in the open now. New start now.

crispandfruity · 01/04/2015 23:02

Op, it's not a strange situation. I can remember BOMBING my first year at uni and tbh my parents only knew because my results were delivered to my home while I was at a festival!

You see on some parts of this board people glossing over abusive husbands etc because they don't want to bother or worry their families. It all comes down to shame which is always bigger in our heads than in real life.

Hugs again to you all, im sure it will all be ok in the end.

crispandfruity · 01/04/2015 23:03

Also from a real life pov I can confirm that uni's will give basic details to families in the op's situation.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/04/2015 23:07

To those relying on data protection, you need to contact each institution or company personally and get a specific reminder or note put on your file.

I'm afraid I've experienced how easily people break data confidentiality when someone asks in the right way. You cannot rely on someone's ability to do their job just generally when it comes to important things like this. I'm sorry I don't want to scare anyone, but I didn't want to read and not comment.

Shockingly, in the last 3-4 years I've had a gp, the same gps receptionist, the council, transport for london, a physio practise, social services, a care agency and three hospitals all break confidentiality wrongly and without a second thought. It's all to do with the way someone asks.

Most of that was one person by the way as you've probably guessed (!), but two weren't, which are the ones I was most horrified by as I could explain away the others by blaming the other party.

The one who did most of it was an employee / former employee who had err, boundary issues (ok I want to say was a nut fuck bitch :) ). I'm disabled and employed her as a home PA. She over reached her position from the start but it took a couple of months for me to realise how awful it was and to fire her (with support of Mumsnet, ahh I'd forgotten that until I started writing this, people were lovely and made me realise that I was cowering from her and how it needed to STOP). Afterwards I found out she phoned up multiple health appointments and changed the contact details to hers... And they didn't even question it, and then I didn't get any calls as they phoned her mobile, and as she then picked up the phone and pretended to be knowledgeable it didn't raise any eyebrows. The bitch even registered her own car on my blue badge and got tfl to give her a discount on congestion charge as her car was registered disabled [shocked] found out that gem a few weeks ago when tfl sent a copy of the renewal to my home address. Bitch just have been using it this past couple of years and I never knew.

Someone phones up and says authoritatively they work for a disabled person and they'll be dealing with X today as disabled person is too poorly... And even health professionals who really should know better just blab out all sorts of personal details happily. I think it helps that she's a middle aged woman, who sounds very competent but not too posh on the phone. I also think people get awkward and embarrassed as soon as disability is mentioned, and are worried about being seen as not being kind to disabled person... Oh and for some, because disabled people are assumed to have less rights than a 'proper' person (grrr).

It wasn't even that having managed to get into one element of my life she used it to access the others. She didn't (I've checked quite thoroughly!) she just confidently and authoritively bull dozed over any flicker of a doubt.

One of the other times happened recently and was a one off but shows it wasn't just one scary freak that had a gift for extracting info out of people.

This was an 'official' who phoned another official though not colleagues or working for the same place, there was an assumption of professional courtesy and an assumption that id signed a data protection waiver - which I hadn't. I complained and the person who'd broken data protection was very upset and definitely felt guilty and somewhat 'conned', though the other person maintained they'd never said directly they had permission. And actually even if they had said I'd given permission, that shouldn't count for anything, as surely anyone can claim anything over the phone!

People believe what others say and it's easier to just go along with it than be awkward or sound officious.

And finally, the last one and the one that caused the most problems was when someone from adult social services couldn't get hold of me on my home phone so instead of calling my mobile, or emailing me or contacting the numerous other ways I'd given, they decided to call my parents instead who's details id given in the 'next of kin' bit but had emphasised verbally and in writing on the form that my parents were not to be contacted unless it really was a danger of death type situation. They didn't know I was serioisly ill, and I hadn't told them I needed carers to help me. Oh and I was not in contact with them and they lived 250 miles away... And I'd given two other contacts who lived close to me and could have told the idiot calling to try me on my mobile as I couldn't get to the landline quick enough, being physically disabled and all (idiot! grrr!). So that was how my parents found out I had a very serious illness, my husband had left me and our baby, and need carers.

And typically all my parents reaction was to get angry I'd given their details out to officials, and how I'd embarrassed them and put them in an awkward position! I took them off the next of kin details and if I did die I hope someone would let my mother know somehow at some point.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/04/2015 23:09

Oh dear OP I posted a lengthy diversion I your thread, just got carried away remembering...

I'm so glad you talked to your dd and it went ok, I bet she'll sleep better tonight than she has in a very long time.

QueenBean · 01/04/2015 23:12

MiscellaneousAssortment

That is a new level of fucking nuts! You should write a book Wink

Is she in prison more...?

grovel · 01/04/2015 23:18

crispandfruity, that's so true about shame being bigger in our heads. That's the advice I'd give to my 16 year old self.

CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 01/04/2015 23:20

The reason people started to doubt you was because you posted " Her dad rang the university today who told us she failed her first year and didn't attend her second" - that just seems extraordinary to many of us, though reading some of the shocking stories on here it's less unbelievable.

Had you just said they confirmed she wasn't a student there it would have been simpler.

I'm glad you have talked to her.

TheAwfulDaughter · 01/04/2015 23:24

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