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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to do this for DH

206 replies

Painintheface · 01/04/2015 07:51

dh has just started working further away, which means he has to leave earlier and cannot spend until 830am more like 930 faffing around, chilling out, ironing his shirt etc.

He used to come home for lunch everyday but now that won't be possible. Last night he stayed up very very very late BUT didn't manage to iron his shirt or make a lunch we can't afford for him to buy lunch out so this morning he has been running around, getting ready for work.

He has been hinting that maybe I should make his lunch and do his shirt for him since I'm a sahm Hmm yes I'm a sahm but I do most of the housework, do all the dinners, run my own little business as an artist, as well as all the finances and kids activities.

So AIBU thinking said husband can do his own shirt and his own lunch the night before? Surely it's not my responsibility? It wouldn't be a massive hardship but tbh I hate getting the iron out with my two toddlers as they jump all over me and he's notoroiusly picky with how his lunch is prepped, that it's a pain in the arse!

God I remeber having to iron 5 of my dads shirt on a Sunday as one of my chores and hating it, and that was in the 80s!

OP posts:
TheSingingMonkey · 01/04/2015 17:29

But how is her DH making things easier? He doesn't do anything but load the dishwasher. OP does everything else.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 17:30

'Surely it's compromise, if one works to allow the other not to a packed lunch isn't much to ask for in return.'

To allow the other to look after the preschool children they had together, thus allowing them both to avoid high childcare costs.

In the real world, childcare is a job people get paid to do. Cleaning, washing and skivving is another job that people get paid to do.

Littlemonstersrule · 01/04/2015 17:35

Not exactly childcare to look after your own children though is it, it's called being a parent. Likewise all adults tend to have house duties, not everyone outsources to a cleaner.

Being the only breadwinner seems to be seen as the easy option, rather than the hard work it usually is. Presumably he makes her life easier by covering their every financial need.

liveloveluggage · 01/04/2015 17:45

I appreciate my dh's hard work, he does a 12 hour night shift and finds it very hard sometimes so I want to do all I can to help him cope by making life easy on his work days. Without his wages we would be in a bad situation financially and i probably wouldnt be able to work pt and spend as much time with my dd, so I do appreciate that contribution he makes a lot. However he still does his own lunch (he chooses to) and he does a share of the housework and childcare on days off.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 17:48

'Not exactly childcare to look after your own children though is it, it's called being a parent. '

Yes, well, maybe someone needs to tell him that, as he does none of that at all, and working doesn't exempt a person, IMO.

I 'saw to our every financial need' for years and did not expect that meant my husband was a skivvy and my working exempting me from pulling my weight in life with regards to our home and our children. Because that would be . . . disrespectful and an attitude that belongs in the past.

Mrsbird311 · 01/04/2015 18:19

Why do people think taking care of the family and the house as degrading and scivvy work, my dh works long hours and provides all the finances for our family but I consider what I do as far far more important than what he does,

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 18:21

Not exactly childcare to look after your own children though is it, it's called being a parent.

Well the OP's DH doesn't sound like he does much at all in the way of childcare/parenting/whatever you want to call it, does he?

He may 'make the OP's life easier' financially, but the flipside is that he couldn't work full-time and far from home if she wasn't there to look after HIS children.

And he seems to make her life actually harder in just about every other way.

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 18:23

Mrsbird, the OP doesn't think it's 'degrading and scivvy work'; she just doesn't like doing ALL of it while her DH hints that she should iron his shirts, fusses about his lunch and sits up till all hours pursuing his hobbies rather than doing a share of house duties.

Theycallmemellowjello · 01/04/2015 18:30

YANBU. He can do it the night before like everyone else! Stand your ground OP.

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 18:52

It's called partnership

Well it's not a partnership if one person is running around after another grown adult like a blue arsed fly because they can't organise themselves better. He's perfectly capable of ironing a shirt and making a sandwich.

Original poster
Painintheface · 01/04/2015 19:14

Well everyone I have grown a backbone taken your advice and I've just sat down, letting dh clean the sides I did the dishwasher and he's going to hoover the front room and I advised him I would not be doing his lunches or shirts and he should do it at the weekend!

He sarcastically said a good wife would do it and laughed which I know he is being a git so I ignored and now it's solved!

I'm bloody knackered now :/ now I have to start my work yah!

OP posts:
Original poster
Painintheface · 01/04/2015 19:15

This is my husband cleaning the table yah

not to do this for DH
OP posts:
Original poster
Painintheface · 01/04/2015 19:19

And hoovering lol

not to do this for DH
OP posts:
oobedobe · 01/04/2015 19:59

YANBU
My DH is the same he has pointed out a few times that I 'should' make his lunch in the mornings but I refuse to do it as I already feel like I do everything for the 2 kids we have (and he is not my third child), my morning is:
Get them up/dressed
Nag to brush teeth
Do Hair
Make breakfast/clear up
Make DD1s pack lunch (which is not what DH would want to have)
Get school bag ready
Get everyone ready coats/shoes on
etc etc etc

Then I still have to have my own breakfast, shower and get dressed.

On the other hand his morning is:
Eat breakfast/drink tea (he will make me a cup if downstairs first)
Shower/dress

But yet I somehow have more TIME!?

Grrrr

ouryve · 01/04/2015 20:33

I hope he didn't expect you to thank him for doing that, pain!

He needs to be helping to look after his own home and family every night.Not just once in a while.

I've been out all day with the boys, keeping them busy and entertained. DH got home from work about half an hour after I did. I've sorted laundry and put a load on, which I've now put on to dry and I've made dinner and done a load of dishes as I've gone along.

DH has done some work on a door frame that's he's repairing, supervised the boys' baths, finished the dishes and run the hoover around.

That's pretty much typical of any evening. Now we're both sat down with DS1, watching a new Shaun the Sheep DVD. It's amazing how much easier everything is with all hands on deck.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/04/2015 20:41

I am a sahm and I would iron the shirt and do the lunch.
The first time he complained about the lunch though, he'd be doing it himself.
I wouldn't do it because I saw it as my job though, but because it would help him.
He helps me plenty times, so one good turn.... etc.
I suppose it depends what your relationship is like though.

pressone · 01/04/2015 21:18

Over and over again I am astonished at these type of threads. I naively assumed that everyone did what we did- sat down before starting a family and discussed how we were going to manage financially ( 1 wage, 2 1.5?), transport (how many cars and what type e.g. two sports cars wouldn't be practical, but 2 Chelsea tractors - overkill) division of labour in the home -childcare, domestics, admin over the first 5 years and as a general rule of thumb for the next 5. Obviously we knew that it was possible that one child may be very demanding of time, and other factors might mean a change of plan - illness/ redundancy etc that might cause a rethink.

I simply do not understand how people find themselves in the position where one parent has such wildly different expectation of the role/tasks of the other parent.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/04/2015 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 01/04/2015 21:50

Pressone i think things can change when you have dc because they are all different. I have friends who work part time, have 2 under 2 and still have time to do all the housework. This is because their children are happy to sit and play unaided. You can agree that as a SAHP you will be responsible for the lions share of house work thinking you will have dc like this, then get really high needs/demanding/spirited children who would never enable you to do any chores. Then you have to split the chores in the times they are in bed or at weekends with one parent taking the children out.

Mrsbird and Little, if you have children like this it is impossible to do things like ironing in the day. My DH works 3 jobs and has just written a book, i do virtually everything domestically and we have about equal work leisure time. But like fuck would i be doing all the chores plus the things the op's dh 'hinted' at. Trying to squeeze an hour of my work in before collapsing into bed exhausted, while DH sat up doing 8 hours (a full working days worth of time) of his hobby. If that was the case I might as well get tits tattooed on my back and let him take me up the wrong'un while i scrubbed the kitchen floor!

TheOldestCat · 01/04/2015 22:13

'Help' is so so loaded though, isn't it? DH (five-days work a week) feels like he is 'helping' me by picking the children up two times a week when I am working. I do the other 8 school pick ups / drop offs around my three-day working week, but there's no suggestion I'm helping him.

I like what 'needascard' says - you help each other get everything done. It depends on circumstances and fairness adapting to those.

MrsRossPoldark · 01/04/2015 23:12

My DH has all his shirts ironed for him and hung up, ready for him to pack as he works afh most of the time. I don't mind as I do iron for everyone anyway, BUT he will often insist on packing his suitcase at 05:30 by throwing the case on our bed and waking me up! Yes, we have had words and now he still does it at 05:30, but he's gentle putting it on the bed. In my house, that counts as progress!

WilburIsSomePig · 01/04/2015 23:20

Well done pressone.

TendonQueen · 01/04/2015 23:26

Well done OP. Anyone with enough free time to spend 7 hours in an evening playing computer games indisputably has time to iron their own shirts and make their own packed lunch.

Mrsbird Do you have sisters, and if so do you do their ironing (or would you?) Why can't your brother do his own ironing?

I

Jackw · 02/04/2015 00:02

I have been both a SAHM and a WOHM (sole earner) and both are equally tiring. Both have positive aspects and negative aspects and I don't think that one is easier than the other though clearly some people are more suited to one of the roles which is fine so long as both appreciate the contribution of each other. It is nice (but should never be taken for granted) for the WOH person to come home to a cooked meal and a reasonably clean and tidy house but beyond that all household chores, catering and childcare at the end of the working day and weekends should be shared equally plus anything personal such as ironed shirts and packed lunches should be done by the person who requires them.

YouTheCat · 02/04/2015 07:45

My exmil used to play hell with me for not making her precious son a packed lunch for work. I used to point out that I wasn't his mother and she was welcome to do it herself (lived with her for 16 fucking years).

I was a lazy cow for not doing any ironing either. But she wasn't the one with twins with additional needs, an alcoholic twat of a husband, and a part time job.