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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to do this for DH

206 replies

Painintheface · 01/04/2015 07:51

dh has just started working further away, which means he has to leave earlier and cannot spend until 830am more like 930 faffing around, chilling out, ironing his shirt etc.

He used to come home for lunch everyday but now that won't be possible. Last night he stayed up very very very late BUT didn't manage to iron his shirt or make a lunch we can't afford for him to buy lunch out so this morning he has been running around, getting ready for work.

He has been hinting that maybe I should make his lunch and do his shirt for him since I'm a sahm Hmm yes I'm a sahm but I do most of the housework, do all the dinners, run my own little business as an artist, as well as all the finances and kids activities.

So AIBU thinking said husband can do his own shirt and his own lunch the night before? Surely it's not my responsibility? It wouldn't be a massive hardship but tbh I hate getting the iron out with my two toddlers as they jump all over me and he's notoroiusly picky with how his lunch is prepped, that it's a pain in the arse!

God I remeber having to iron 5 of my dads shirt on a Sunday as one of my chores and hating it, and that was in the 80s!

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 01/04/2015 10:31

He will look after his own kids if you are ill? Thats hardly a benchmark for a good partner.
proud you don't have to do it and his lording over you about floors and wages is disgusting.

Moltenpink · 01/04/2015 10:33

I wouldn't do anything that was being hinted at, that would really annoy me.

I try to make extra dinner for lunches, pasta etc, but we normally end up eating it Blush

arethereanyleftatall · 01/04/2015 10:35

Whomever has the most spare time should do it.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 10:36

'I have to do this and I work full time. '

No, no you don't. You're married to a dickhead. Stop enabling him.

And Paint, looking after your own children is not 'helping'.

He goes to bed at 3am? How does he function on so little sleep?

And this is very simple. You say, 'You need to iron your shirts for work and make your lunch.' The end.

If he brings it up, tries to make it your job, you say, 'I'm not a maid. I will not iron your shirts or make your lunch.'

LadyGregory · 01/04/2015 10:37

Of course you're not being bloody unreasonable, OP. There are some obtuse people on this thread. A partner working does not mean they are miraculously cleared of all household/child-related tasks. You're a SAHP, not a domestic servant.

My husband works long hours in a stressful job, while I am a writer who works partly from home, but he does all the household ironing, the majority of the cooking, and bath and bedtime for our toddler every night he's at home. We have a weekly cleaner. This is a normal, egalitarian distribution of chores. Obviously there are times when work gets in the way for both of us and we pick up the slack in terms of childcare for one another, but that's occasional and down to specific circumstances.

proudmummywife · 01/04/2015 10:39

I have to do it as in if I didn't he goes to work and spends a fortune on lunch out because there is no way he would make his own. He huffs and puffs acting hard done by when I don't do it. He does work overtime and brings in great wage for us to have a good lifestyle but I think he should be fit to make bed when he gets out of it make himself a cup of coffee (I don't even drink it) he could come from being at a shop buying buns and ask me what did u get for my lunch tomorrow. Why can he not buy his own lunch? Please don't slate him as bad person as he is good husband and father. He just lazy at home.

Moltenpink · 01/04/2015 10:39

My DH and I actually - shock, horror! - do our own laundry. It's not terrifically complicated - we both have separate laundry baskets. When either of us has a full load, we do it. This seems to blow some people's minds!

Us too.

Momagain1 · 01/04/2015 10:40

Boffin: she said finances mean a packed lunch is required. So I would assume paying for ironing is out too.

A lot depends on his reaction when OP reminds him tonight of the concept of advance ironing and lunch packing. It's one thing to help him through this week if he admits he just hadnt realised how much he needed to reaarange to leave earlier. It's something else if he acts as if the best solution to his problem is her taking over the work permanently.

Doing things for your partner is great and a cooperative team is the ideal. But some partners, (male AND female) don't appreciate and reciprocate efforts made on their behalf. OP's partner seems to want to devolve his shirt ironing and lunch making to her rather than change his habits to reflect his new schedule. Which is fine if he is offering something in return. Yay for modern marriage!

But she may find out he has always perceived doing his own ironing and lunch in his slow faffing way as a favor to her in the first place, since he had the time. A favor he can no longer afford to offer, so she should just accept that and get on with it, while he stays up late and sleeps in as long as possible. That wont go well.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2015 10:41

'Please don't slate him as bad person as he is good husband and father. He just lazy at home.'

That's bad. But hey, you put up with it.

PunkrockerGirl · 01/04/2015 10:43

Could he iron enough shirts for the week on his days off?

YANBU, his bad time management is not your problem.

MrsKoala · 01/04/2015 10:44

Proudmummy - you say he earns a great wage. Is it not enough for him to be able to buy his lunch when he's at work? I say this as someone who's dh was spending £30 per day on food at one time Shock and i had to take over doing lunch as that was the only alternative. But, if we could afford it i'd be fine if dh spent money on his lunch everyday.

Number3cometome · 01/04/2015 10:45

Err no, he needs to get up earlier!

Number3cometome · 01/04/2015 10:45

(P.s, working Mum, 2 kids, 24+3 with number 3 - I get up fucking early to iron everyone's clothes (except OH) and make lunches!)

LadyGregory · 01/04/2015 10:47

I was about to say exactly that, expat. It drives me mad how often that comes up in relationships/chores threads on Mn - the hoary old refrain that 'he's a good man and a lovely husband and father, just lazy around the house.' Horseshit. Feeling entitled to the benefits of your partner's domestic labour while IT services his career, and the lazy, sexist assumption that, if it's chore or childcare related, it can only be taken care of by someone with a vagina, or the idea that a man is somehow doing a woman a favour by 'helping out' with the washing up or 'babysitting' his own children - these are emphatically not signs of a good, fair-minded person.

MrsEvadneCake · 01/04/2015 10:48

But he's not being a good husband if he's not doing anything at home and letting you take over his jobs because he's too half arsed to do them.

LadyGregory · 01/04/2015 10:48

'It services his career', not 'IT services his career'. IT can do whatever it likes to his career...

Sallystyle · 01/04/2015 10:58

I am always happy to help my husband out. I will wash his clothes if I am doing a load. I would iron something for him if he asked, but that works both ways. He washes my clothes for me often and contributes greatly to the household.

That is a partnership.

If my husband was going to bed at 3.00am, doing fuck all around the house and then asking me to iron his shirts he could take a run and jump. I will always help my husband out because it works both ways. In the op's case it doesn't so no yanbu.

FayKorgasm · 01/04/2015 11:01

proud a good husband and father does not treat his wife like some sort of skivvy and controls how she acts with his temper and moods.

Reddragon116 · 01/04/2015 11:02

It depends about the balance of everything else doesn't it ? Nothing is only one persons 'job' in a house with 2 grownups. When I worked very long hours my then sahh would quite honestly do everything domestic and childcare wise - including my dry cleaning and packed lunches. But reversely when he went back as a mature student with a lot of travel and long study hours - I did everything. when both in more 'normal' jobs it was about how much 'freetime' we each had and also who was 'better' at each job - ie he cooked and I did admin.

In the op's case its really about freetime isnt it ?

Theas18 · 01/04/2015 11:02

Why's he ironing every morning? surely you do a batch for the week at the weekend?

As to weather you see team work as helping him or feel he isn't puling his weight generally and so needs to do this. It's up to you.

My DH makes my lunch every day. He doesn't have to. He gets up early to do it. It makes me feel loved and cherished, every day.

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 11:07

he is good husband and father. He just lazy at home.

These two statements cannot coexist, IMO. Being 'lazy' about household work automatically means he is NOT a good husband and father.

notinagreatplace · 01/04/2015 11:11

Formerbabe - when we lived alone, we did our own laundry, we didn't see any compelling reason to change that. I like knowing whether a particular item is clean or dirty, I like that if I'm super busy and don't do any laundry for a while, it doesn't bother my DH and vice versa, I like that our stuff doesn't get mixed up.

People seem to assume it's somehow really inefficient but we both do a full load each week. I don't see how doing two loads with our stuff mixed up together would somehow be any different.

ChunkyPickle · 01/04/2015 11:16

If you were one of those people that does a load of ironing then it would be no significant effort more to do his shirts, but since you don't really iron anything, then it's fair enough that he does his own (my mum had us all ironing our own shirts as soon as we had to wear them to school).

And the lunches, of course you make your own packed lunch! Why on earth would you have all the mucking about about which sandwiches he wants, what he didn't like about how it was packed today etc. when he can just make his own and have it just as he wants it!

He's a grown adult, you already have enough on your plate.

Fauxlivia · 01/04/2015 11:21

Just because someone is a sahp it doesn't automatically follow that they have more time on their hands. That rather depends on the number and ages of the children and the occupation of the wohp.

I don't like the assumption often made that the sahp is the lucky one and should somehow make up for this by doing all the shit work at home. In many cases the wohp is getting the better deal - career progression/pension/satisfaction and they don't have to worry about childcare etc.

Rule of thumb should be whether both parties have equal leisure time. Going on the OP, she seems to have a lot to do and he has time to sit on his arse and faff. He should he doing her ironing that being the case.

Penfold007 · 01/04/2015 11:44

Paintintheface your run a small business from home, run the home and are the main carer for two toddlers. I appreciate DH's work day has just changed massively but he needs to manage his time, make his lunch and iron his shirt. Actually he could do some family ironing as well.

My DH iron his and DS's shirts for the week at the weekend whilst watching rugby or footy on the telly.

I tend to do his packed lunch when I'm doing DC's whilst I'm doing dinner. However, if I'm working later etc he just gets on with it and does dinner and packed lunches.

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