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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to do this for DH

206 replies

Painintheface · 01/04/2015 07:51

dh has just started working further away, which means he has to leave earlier and cannot spend until 830am more like 930 faffing around, chilling out, ironing his shirt etc.

He used to come home for lunch everyday but now that won't be possible. Last night he stayed up very very very late BUT didn't manage to iron his shirt or make a lunch we can't afford for him to buy lunch out so this morning he has been running around, getting ready for work.

He has been hinting that maybe I should make his lunch and do his shirt for him since I'm a sahm Hmm yes I'm a sahm but I do most of the housework, do all the dinners, run my own little business as an artist, as well as all the finances and kids activities.

So AIBU thinking said husband can do his own shirt and his own lunch the night before? Surely it's not my responsibility? It wouldn't be a massive hardship but tbh I hate getting the iron out with my two toddlers as they jump all over me and he's notoroiusly picky with how his lunch is prepped, that it's a pain in the arse!

God I remeber having to iron 5 of my dads shirt on a Sunday as one of my chores and hating it, and that was in the 80s!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 01/04/2015 09:48

I think it depends entirely on what your SAHM day entails. Those saying 'just do it in the afternoon' etc may be missing the part of your OP where you say you have 2 toddlers who would be jumping all over you. This would make it dangerous and pretty impossible. Therefore the only time available for you to do it presumably would be when they are in bed and your DH is home and present. So you would then be standing in the kitchen making packed lunches and ironing while he was doing what? sitting down relaxing? Despite both having worked all day.

For me, i'd happily iron DHs shirts if i had time but with a toddler and 7mo i just don't. It does annoy me that DH does it every morning in the kitchen while the toddler is running about and i have the job of containing him in another part of the house. Toddler has just started pre-school 2 avos a week so i may start doing the shirts then while the baby is playing - but i also use that time to clean the house and do all the laundry and the paperwork/admin.

I do do lunches tho because it's easier to batch cook a massive chilli/bolognese, bung a couple of jacket spuds in the oven when i'm cooking a casserole etc. I make cakes with the toddler as an activity and dh takes some of that too, plus something from the fruit bowl.

echt · 01/04/2015 09:50

Just for the info, what are his hours now?

Also, he can pack his own lunch if he's so fussy.

Gottagetmoving · 01/04/2015 09:53

My DP prefers me NOT to iron his shirts. He thinks I don't do them good enough. He has ironed his own stuff from being about 12 years old because his Mum made him.

liveloveluggage · 01/04/2015 09:53

I would help him out if there was an occasional problem, even if it was his own fault for staying up late but I wouldn't take on the full time ironing and lunch making, esp if he is so fussy about the lunch.

formerbabe · 01/04/2015 09:54

I think it depends entirely on what your SAHM day entails.

I agree...I always thought laundry was part of my job...I did it when my two were toddlers at home. I honestly thought that was the norm...not so sure after reading this thread!

SolomanDaisy · 01/04/2015 09:59

Wouldn't it be quicker for him to just iron five shirts once a week? Then he wouldn't have to faff every day. What's he having for lunch that is such a hassle to prepare?

HolgerDanske · 01/04/2015 10:00

The statement was that he makes no contribution to the running of the household which is separate altogether from bringing in a wage. He should be participating in making their home life happy and well-run and family-centric. Not sitting there like a teenage boy expecting his mum to iron his shirts and fussing about having to make his lunch! Loading a dishwasher does not a committed partner make!

MrsKoala · 01/04/2015 10:01

former - i can't do laundry while my toddler is present as he keeps turning off the washing machine and opening the tumble dryer and pulling everything out onto the floor 'helping mummy' Confused I can only do it effectively without wanting to set my head on fire when he is at pre-school or in bed.

KitZacJak · 01/04/2015 10:02

YANBU - you have toddlers they are hard work and you run your own business. Sounds like you are busy enough without having to worry about the third child!!!

Then again, I do sandwiches for my husband when I do the kids school lunches as I am doing them anyway and it stops him spending a fortune.

TheSingingMonkey · 01/04/2015 10:02

YANBU, he should iron his own shirt. If he's up til 3am he'll have plenty of time. I don't make DH's lunch or iron his work stuff, why should I? He's more than capable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2015 10:03

"It just doesn't seem right that I'm in bed at 8pm being shattered with the kids all day and he can stay up until 3am and still not of managed to make a sandwich and iron a shirt."

That's the crux of it, isn't it? He could, but he doesn't.

"He has been hinting that maybe I should make his lunch and do his shirt for him since I'm a sahm"
From a man whose sole contribution to household chores is to load the dishwasher Shock? Who can't even put the bins out properly? And now he thinks he shouldn't even attend to getting himself ready for work?

OP, if you need to go to bed at 8pm through tiredness, I think any considerate man would be asking you how he could ease your life, not try to load you up with more work!

Oh, and it's not because "I guess I'm being a bit unreasonable, I just hate ironing" . I actually quite like ironing, but even with that I would expect him to get himself organized the night before. This is not about you not liking ironing. It is about him being a fucking adult and not a selfish manchild.

HolgerDanske · 01/04/2015 10:03

hmmm i'm not sure where the comment is that mine was responding to, it could be quite a bit further up the thread...

SuggestmeaUsername · 01/04/2015 10:05

I think there is no obligation for you to do his lunch and ironing. However it is a partnership and it would be nice if you were able to do these if he is out the house most of the day so that there is more quality time in the evening for you, him and the kids to have together. If you are busy from the start of the day to the end of the day with no time for yourself to relax and rest then it would be far for him to share some chores in the evening. he could iron his shirts at the weekend in one go so he doesnt have to do them during the week. However, if you had plenty of time to yourself (which Im guessing you dont with kids), then it would be nice if you could do his ironing and lunch.

SuggestmeaUsername · 01/04/2015 10:07

*fair

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 10:11

YANBU. He's a grown man; he can manage his own ironing. TBH I'd probably stop doing his washing too if he's being such a tit. And I wouldn't make lunch for someone who was going to be fussy about it.

Why does he only empty the dishwasher? What is so difficult for him about putting out the bins?

HicDraconis · 01/04/2015 10:14

DH makes my lunchbox, it takes him a few minutes in the evening while clearing up after dinner. Generally leftovers, salad, yoghurt and fruit. I supervise boy teeth cleaning / bedtime while he does it. Definitely makes my mornings easier - and given I often work through lunch, it means that when I do get a break but there's nothing left in the canteen, I've got something healthy and edible.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/04/2015 10:14

I'm a SAHM. I neither iron DH's work shirts on a regular basis nor make his lunch. If he's running really late I'll sometimes run an iron over a shirt to make his life easier but it certainly isn't my 'job'.

proudmummywife · 01/04/2015 10:22

I have to do this and I work full time. Fed up with it! Do all cooking and grocery shopping and house work too. It's a medal he wants to make children their breakfast. When I ask for help or give out he throws it in my face that he lay all the floors in the house (I probabyly would be made do it if I could) he also says I work and so do I. I think it's because he brings the bigger wage he does this.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 01/04/2015 10:24

When you say you 'have' to do it, what would happen if you didn't Proudmummywife?

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 10:25

I have to do this

No you don't. Stop doing it and let him deal with it. He sounds very unreasonable. How long does he think the 'brownie points' of having laid the floors are going to last?

Original poster
Painintheface · 01/04/2015 10:26

I refer to the rubbish as "bingate", he would do the rubbish and sort recycling but actually was piling it up and not putting them out :/ I was less than impressed and it facilitated our first proper row.

It took me hours of lugging all the bins to the tip when I found out and tidying up, then the same would happen. I know do the fucking bins, because tbh I just got so fucking bored of nagging him!

He's a lovely bloke and I love him to bits but he is a bugger sometimes, he helps in other ways example if I'm I'll he will take time off work and look after the kids etc.

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 01/04/2015 10:26

so the only housework he does is load the dishwasher and that's it?!!! and you think you're being unreasonable for not wanting to iron his shirts and make his lunch?!!!

he sounds like a lazy and selfish man. tell him he can do things for himself. don't enable him.

OnlyLovers · 01/04/2015 10:27

Well, it's not 'helping' –it's his family as well as yours. A reasonable person would consider it 'doing their share'. I'm sure that's how you think of the work you do.

Original poster
Painintheface · 01/04/2015 10:28

Wow typos galore

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/04/2015 10:29

The 'asking for help' is bloody awful.

It's not 'help' it's day to day running of family life.