Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 21:14

SonnyJimBob ffs as soon as one of them gets zapped up pops another! Seriously what do you hope to gain by posting this here, have you thought about how that might sound to the OP.

Welshmaenad · 29/03/2015 21:15

The law says it is rape, but also surely any reasonable human can see that if consent is withdrawn and one partner tries to halt the proceedings and the other partner physically restrains them, of course it's rape? If holding her down to start intercourse is rape, so is holding her down to finish.

Cherry, I'm sorry this happened to you.

Chocolatebreadcrumbs · 29/03/2015 21:18

"Withdrawal method is not effective contraception in any case"

It's failure rate is actually not much more than condoms.

It also has nothing to do with whether this was rape (it was), or whether the OP should LTB (you're going to be OK.)

scandip · 29/03/2015 21:19

I believe you. I hope you are ok.

MrsMook · 29/03/2015 21:24

Consent can be withdrawn for many reasons. I've had to ask DH to stop many times because of pain/ discomfort, and that is something that needs respect. Continuing beyond consent has consequences that the OP not prepared to accept, hence conditions at the outset.

OP, I wish you well in getting this scumbag out of your life xxx

PrimroseEverdeen · 29/03/2015 21:25

It's rape. There is no doubt about that. I believe you. You must leave him. He is an abuser!

magoria · 29/03/2015 21:31

So sorry you are going through this.

That he laughed it off and dismissed you shows that you would never be able to trust him to respect your boundaries again.

Good luck for the future.

minkGrundy · 29/03/2015 21:32

Op it has indeed kicked off a bit but I hope the thread has helped.
You seem very level headed and clear about things.

Glad you have a good friend nearby.

Is there anything else you would like from this thread? tries to ignore bunfight

It is a shame these posts were on your thrwad when you needed help and support but at the same time I hope it has helped people who may have in real life been subjected to these kinds of opinions to see that most people do not and more importantly the law does not agree with them. And I hope it has helped educate some people who have had their boundaries fucked with to see that this is wrong.

Sex is about mutual enjoyment and TRUST. One person's needs or wants to do not trump another's right to say no.

WayfaringStranger · 29/03/2015 21:33

I'm so sorry you've had people 'debating' the ins and outs on this thread. It's clear you need support and care, not people goading you. You did nothing wrong and are in no way to blame for this.

PilchardPrincess · 29/03/2015 21:51

Glad you have decided to bin him, that is the right decision entirely.

Get the MAP, and forget all about him.

Good luck

I'm also impressed that you are so clear thinking about this TBH I've been in a similar situation (ish) and the urge to stick your fingers in your ears go lalala not rock the boat is terribly strong.

I assume he will try and talk you round and the MN standby that no is a complete sentence works - don't let yourself end up trying to justify your decision to him. He is manipulative so short and sweet and don't engage.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/03/2015 21:53

You sound very strong and level-headed OP and I sincerely wish you the strength to get away from this man.

You weren't wrong to ask him to stop, nor to feel betrayed when he didn't. Any caring human being wouldn't have put you in that position anyway (having known what was agreed) or would have stopped when you asked, regardless.

You've had loads of good advice about the morning after pill so I hope you're able to find a provider nearby.

SylvaniansAtEase · 29/03/2015 21:56

Well done OP.

Yes it was rape. I believe you.

Drop him and don't look back.

ghostyslovesheep · 29/03/2015 21:59

Good luck OP - I'm sorry this happened

I believe you x

maliaki · 29/03/2015 22:03

I'm sorry OP. Given how much he wants a baby and that you've said he's very manipulative, this looks very much like trying to force you into having a baby.

The fact that he doesn't see this as wrong is very worrying, he is likely to repeat this behaviour. Had he pulled out as you both agreed and then you'd both had an accidental pregnancy that would have been something you both consented to and an accident. The fact that he held you, came inside you without your consent and with your explicit refusal is absolutely disgusting on his part and completely his fault.

cleanmyhouse · 29/03/2015 22:05

you can get an emergency coil fitted if theres any doubt about the effectiveness of the MAP. I got it because i was at a fairly fertile point in my cycle.

What he did was inexcusable. The fact that he is willing to try and get you pregnant against your will is disgusting, that he was willing to use force to do it is a whole other level of disgusting. And then say he couldn't help it? Very, very fucked up.

Eigg · 29/03/2015 22:06

OP you are very sensible and brave. Good move to let a friend know to get RL support. Do make sure you call her (and scary husband) if you need help with your ex.

maliaki · 29/03/2015 22:08

And yes, it is rape definitely, however your partner sees it.

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 29/03/2015 22:19

OP you sound amazingly strong and brave. I think he is a disgusting abusive rapist and I hope that you get the treatment you need MAP or coil to give you back control of your own body. Wishing you continued strength and happiness.

tilliebob · 29/03/2015 22:33

I've been with my DH got almost 30 years but if he did that to me,Cherry, I'd leave the fucker. I doubt I'd ever trust him again.

I believe you, lots of us do, I can't believe the victim blaming and general fuckwittery of some posters on this thread.

tilliebob · 29/03/2015 22:33

*for almost 30 years

FlyingPirate · 29/03/2015 22:33

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. I truly wish you the very best for the future. Mumsnet is always here for support. Ignore the idiots.

Brummiegirl15 · 29/03/2015 22:39

In the eyes of the law, consent was withdrawn. Therefore it is rape. Doesn't matter what happened before, in the eyes of the law, you can say no at ANY time.

I believe you

Thinking of you and hope you are ok x

MrsWembley · 29/03/2015 22:43

Very pleased you have someone near you in RL, in case things kick off.

Even more pleased that you have acted so quickly. My only worry is that he'll get back into your head and you'll change your mind. You sound strong, please stay that way.

Missdee2014 · 29/03/2015 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gwenci · 29/03/2015 23:06

No. OP consented to sex up until the point he was going to ejaculate. She specifically stipulated that at that point he was to pull out.

Not only did he purposefully not pull out, he pinned her arms down, forcibly held on to her and prevented her pulling herself off him. He forced himself in to her as she made it clear she wanted to stop.

How is that not rape?

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Swipe left for the next trending thread